My wife Dorothy’s Uncle Derek reckons that he, in effect, bought the parrot off his crooked father-in-law, the veteran jewel-thief Tommy Twinkle Toes (that really was what the Sunday paper had called him, back in the day: ‘Tommy Twinkle Toes’). Derek took in the parrot when Tommy was arrested and also lent Tommy quite a bit of money towards the costs of his defence lawyer. After Tommy was found (very) guilty, Derek visited him in the jail and asked him what he was to do with the parrot. Tommy begged him to keep it, saying it that would be a consolation to him, in his lonely cell, to know that the bird was in a good home.
Continue readingGuest Writer
Wild Bill’s Thursday Afternoon Show by Michael Bloor
‘Hi there and welcome to The Thursday Afternoon Show on Radio Sherwood, with me your humble host and Turntable Operator, Wild Bill Hilcock…
[a burst of Wild Bill’s personal jingle]
‘Not content with simply playing you The Very Best of The Seventies, we also have the latest instalment of our weekly feature: our “Meet the Muse” live interview. This week we’ll be talking to Jeanette Brailsford, who as a sweet seventeen year-old, became the immortal muse of Dogsbreath Donovan, the onlie begetter of that great seventies hit, “Jeanie Baby”…
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I Grind My Teeth: Oral Poetry by Jordan Eve Morral
It was kindergarten.
The creepy guy on lunch duty
pulled my teeth out with a wrench.
They fell out in a clump
of enamel and gum.
Still, I felt convinced
they wouldn’t notice.
I lost my teeth again –
the four front ones on top.
They remained in my mouth
with Scotch tape, held down.
My teeth are so loose
they protrude at all angles;
My lips have parted,
forever alone.
It’s weird. In dreams
I’ll be endlessly falling,
my throat slit,
a child’s voice calling,
but I only wake up scared–
delirious and delusional–
when my fangs are not bared
and able to reflect the moon.
*Dreams of lost teeth commonly symbolize feelings of insecurity, loss, or transformation.
I have always been interested in the concept of dream interpretation, yet I am always going
back and forth between believing and not believing the accuracy of a real-life translation.
However, I have been dreaming about losing my teeth for as long as I can remember. Starting
in elementary school and continuing into the present day, I have had the lingering fear that I will
one day soon be without my teeth.
The hard thing about this constant worry is that I am afraid I will never be able to rid my mind of
it. Teeth are so often the focus of my dreams that I spend my waking hours thinking of them too.
Unfortunately, this leads to more of the same dreams. I cannot stop the cycle.
It is for no other reason than my recurring dreams that I wrote this poem. On some level, I think I
expected it to be a form of catharsis. In this aspect, I believe I have failed. I have simply
confirmed how much time I spend thinking about my teeth. I am perpetuating the cycle.
Jordan Eve Morral
(Image is of the author)
Oxymorons by Jordan Eve Morral
We know clouds are water vapor,
but we’re still amazed they float.
We know trees are turned to paper,
but how, we’ll never know.
So many little things,
make so little sense.
But since they are ordinary,
questions make us sound dense.
We may be too easily transfixed–
insane and dull and dumb–
but we see the world with wonder,
seeking all of its wisdom.
We are wise fools.
The “wise fool”:
An oxymoron that, like the rest,
is contradictory but makes perfect sense.
Jordan Eve Morral
(Image is of the author)
The Rime of the Globalised Mariner. In Six Parts (with bonus track from a chorus of Greek Shippers) by Michael Bloor
First Published in Sociology, 47(1): 30-50, 2013 doi: 10.1177/00380385112448568
(Editor Note: Due to some slop dished out by WP, we have decided to show a better looking version of this fine article, which first appeared on New Years Day–LS)
Part One
(Another Edit note: The parenthetical material in darker font corresponds with the material above it; “call and response” is the theatrical term.)
It is a global Mariner,
And he stoppeth one of three.
‘By thy long grey beard and glittering eye,
Now wherefore stopp’st thou me?
(A globalised Mariner
meeteth three gallants
outside a shopping centre
and detaineth one.)
‘The centre’s doors are opened wide,
And Bourdieu got it right:
Consumption lends distinction.
So get you out my sight.’
(The Consumer protesteth
against detention outside
the shopping mall.)
He holds him with his glittering eye –
No Big Issue 1 sale is sought,
But fifty yards from B&Q
The would-be Consumer’s caught.
(The Consumer is spell-
bound by the mariner and
constrained to hear his tale.)
So spake the doleful mariner,
Transfixing with his e’e,
In fluent, graphic English –
The language of the sea.
(Proficiency in English is a
requirement of a seafaring
career.)
‘I had no wish to work on ships –
Filipinos know it’s hard –
Mouths were many, jobs were scarce,
From birth my life was marr’d.
(The Mariner telleth of early
hardships and how he and
his parents were cheated by
the maritime colleges and
the crewing agents.)
‘From green island homes we travel,
As mariner, nurse, or maid,
And remit 3 to our loved ones
The pittance we get paid.
‘Father scraped up money
For training college fees –
A scam of the local senator,
Whose throat I’d gladly seize.
(Filipino maritime training
institutions are often
controlled by persons with
powerful political
connections.)
‘The college had no equipment,
Just endless, pointless drill,
No qualifications either –
The news made my father ill.
(The academic training
often follows a military
model and is of poor
quality. And it does not
qualify cadets for
certificates of seafarer
competency without
additional practical
experience – ‘sea time’.
Most colleges fail to
arrange ‘sea time’ for their
cadets.)
‘Course passes gained no certificates,
Without some time at sea.
There was no ship to serve on,
But the senator had his fee.
‘Father paid a crewing agent:
Yet another fee required,
But at least I’d get a berth,
And that’s what we desired.
(Many ship operators out-
source crew recruitment
and employment to
specialist crewing agencies
with offices in the major
labour supply countries.
Cadets graduating from
maritime colleges must
pass a basic safety training
course before they can go
to sea. The courses are
usually conducted at
specialist training
institutions with requisite
equipment such as
lifeboats. State regulatory
agencies inspect the
training institutions to
ensure the requisite
equipment is present, but
not that it is used.)
‘The agent sent me to train then
At a dismal-looking place
More fees and little learned,
Sad repetition of my case.
‘A lifeboat stood on davits,
By a creek filled-up with mud.
“For audit purposes only”,
That pristine lifeboat stood.
‘There’s so many schools for training –
Why’d the agent send me there?
The training was quite useless –
Why didn’t that agent care?
‘It seemed he got a “rebate”
(kickback to you and me)
For every trainee sent there,
A percentage of their fee.
(Corrupt crewing agents NOTE WORK FROM PRINT TO FINISH
distort the seafarer training market)
‘They issued my certificates,
But their paper had a price:
My father’s hard-earned money,
Stolen once, then twice.
‘Ever since it’s been the same:
When I come home from sea,
The agent wants another course,
And I must pay the fee’.
Specialist short courses
must be taken to allow
employment in particular
trades, such as tankers.
Usually, the seafarer must
pay the course fee.
[Enter Chorus of Greek Shippers]
‘O woe to us, and to our ships,
But what are we to do?
The wages they are paying now,
Won’t draw a young Greek crew.
‘So we take these global mariners,
Who’re really up for it,
But they can’t begin to work a ship:
Their training’s frankly s**t!
(Ship operators moan that
international standards of
seafarer training are not
being properly enforced.)
‘Someone, somewhere, should sort it out,
We’ve really had enough:
Inspect and close the colleges,
It’s time for getting tough!’
PART II
Consumer groaned to Mariner:
‘So you each believe the same!
But if all think your training’s s**t
Then, truly, who’s to blame?’
‘Our union said, there is a law –
A real law, no invention –
That lays down training standards,
An international convention.
(The Mariner relateth that
there are international
standards on seafarer
training.)
‘Government should enforce it,
End the bribing and the feigning,
Close-down the useless paper-mills
And give us decent training’.
(But these international
standards rely on national
enforcement.)
‘Yes, yes’, the Chorus chorused,
‘Our ships need well-trained crew.’
‘So what went wrong?’ Consumer asked,
But the Mariner hardly knew.
‘There are no simple answers,’
Voice grated, knife on rock,
‘The true path’s no open highway,
Good governance no wind-up clock.’
A gaunt figure stepped among them:
He gave each a piercing look.
His boots were worn, his cloak was stained,
And he bore a calf-bound book.
‘Who art thou?’ they cried in wonder,
‘And what thing’s your burden there?’
‘I’m the Inspector,’ spake the stranger,
‘And the Law’s my burden fair.’
(An Inspector calls.)
The Chorus shrank and muttered,
The Mariner downed his e’e.
‘I’ve heard tell of you,’ he whispered,
‘As have all who sail the sea.
‘You come aboard, unheralded,
You seek out the rusting hulks:
You cow the cruel masters,
Ships’ agents get the sulks.’
Consumer viewed Inspector,
Eyes lit with wild surmise:
‘It’s up to you to punish,
Right wrongs, and nail their lies?’
‘In truth, that is my duty –
The goal for all my kind –
But the journey is a long one,
And the road’s not paved, nor signed.
‘Those who inspect the colleges
In each poor country of the Earth:
They’re government employees
And are not paid their worth.
‘The owner is a man of power,
The inspector – he is not,
The one dines in his castle,
The other in his cot.
‘The inspector has a check-list,
To work through, line by line.
If a lifeboat’s at the college,
Then it gets a tick – that’s fine.
‘We know it can’t be launched:
It’s to be ticked, naught more.
Poor men must heed the letter,
Not the substance, of the law.’
(The Inspector concurreth
with the mere lip-service
maritime colleges pay to
international training
regulations, but believeth
that the local inspectors are
powerless to obtain fuller
compliance.)
The mariner had silent stood,
Hands clenched and visage pale,
Eyeing the Inspector,
As he ground out his tale.
‘I thank you’, cried the mariner,
‘Now I know the bitter worst:
No remedy in law books –
My mates and I are cursed.’
The Greeks had been quite nervous
While yet the Inspector spoke,
But confidently dealt with
The Mariner and such-like folk:
‘Don’t blame the law, nor malice,
Nor trade that’s getting slack,
Global economic forces
Stapped these burdens to your back
‘Colleges could train you better –
With lifeboats working too –
But higher costs would close ‘em down,
Then where’d we find a crew?’
(The ship operators see
poor-quality training as an
economic consequence of
the seafarers’ need for
cheap training.)
The Inspector laughed most harshly,
And turned to face the Greeks:
‘He who looks for truth
Must beware of that he seeks.
‘Good training’s too expensive:
The poor can’t pay the fee.
You state the matter clearly,
And I cannot but agree.
‘Yet I can well remember
When companies paid the fees,
Time-Past – they paid for training,
Invested in their employees.
(The Inspector recalleth that
40 years ago, it was
commonplace for ship
operators to pay for
seafarer training through
cadetships and
apprenticeships.)
‘You complain of training standards,
Cackling like geese
You want action to be taken,
But you don’t pay a penny piece.
‘It seems to me, hypocrisy,
When the poor turn-out their pockets,
To criticize their training,
While adding up your profits.’
PART III
The Chorus blushed and shuffled,
But still they stood their ground.
They’d got their MBAs,
They knew their case was sound:
‘You’re talking of the past,
Dim, distant days of yore,
We don’t train our seafarers –
We don’t employ ‘em any more!’
Consumer quizzed the Chorus:
‘You don’t employ your crew??’ –
‘Our labour’s all outsourced,
‘The late-modern thing to do.
(The Chorus confirmeth the
Mariner’s tale that crewing
agencies, not ship
operators, employ
seafarers. Agencies then
contract with operators to
supply crews with the
requisite qualifications.)
‘If a shipper paid for training,
He’d have an extra cost,
He’d be under-cut by others –
His business would be lost.
‘Pay for training? Better wages??
Remember shipping’s quite anarchic:
We’d love to be more generous
But you cannot buck the market.’
The Inspector gave a mirthless smile:
‘The market’s always cited
As a sovereign power and reason
Why wrongs cannot be righted.
‘But the remedy is simple here:
The flag-State of every nation
Shall charge a levy on each ship,
Paid at each ship’s registration.
(The Inspector proposeth a
training levy to be paid
when each ship is
registered by the flag-State.
See Afterword.)
‘The levy would pay all training costs,
A burden shared without distortion.
It would pay for good inspections too –
No need for doubts or caution.’
The Mariner did slowly nod:
‘The scheme would work – I see –
My last ship flew Mongolia’s flag,
For a three-thousand-dollar fee.’
Although Mongolia is 850
miles from the sea, the
Mongolian People’s
Revolutionary Party
granted a license in 2003,
to a Mr Chong Kov Sen, a
Singaporean businessman,
to operate the Mongolian
Ship Registry. Mr Chong
previously operated the
Cambodia Registry under
license until 2002, when
the license was withdrawn
following international
protests at Cambodia’s
failure to police its ships. In
2008, 73 ships were flying
the Mongolian flag.
‘Mongolia?’ quizzed our Consumer,
‘That’s surely rather queer?’
‘Not really’, saith the Inspector,
‘Some think a proper flag too dear.
‘Each ship is like a piece
Of far-off, sovereign soil –
Its flag denotes allegiance,
Republican or royal.
‘The flag-State has a duty,
Be the country rich or poor,
To check each ship is ship-shape –
As laid down in the law.
‘But flags can be commodities,
And flags can be for rent,
To businessmen and lawyers,
Who’re out on profit bent.
‘When ships are policed badly,
Their seafarers should beware.
Policing ships for profit
Is a mighty strange affair.
‘Some run their business well,
Some run it as a racket,
With only one objective:
To make themselves a packet.
An OECD report states that
‘a significant percentage of
total vessel operating costs
could be saved by sub-
standard operations’
(OECD 1996: 27).
‘Now, compliance is expensive,
So compliance is a sham
When the flag a shipper flies
Really doesn’t give a damn.
‘A shipper heeds his costs,
A shipper looks to save,
But if he flies a cut-price flag,
Consequences can be grave.
‘Ships that fly a proper flag,
And meet their obligations,
Incur much extra cost
To comply with regulations.
(Thomas Gresham, a
sixteenth-century
Chancellor of the
Exchequer, found it was
impossible to improve the
quality of the English
coinage, by simply issuing
good quality coins. People
hoarded the good coinage.
So it was necessary to also
withdraw the clipped and
debased coins from
circulation. Hence
Gresham’s Law: ‘Bad
money drives out good’.)
‘If they wanted well-found ships,
And skilled, contented crews,
They should have thought to ask us,
Or given us some clues.
‘Truth is: they don’t want “good,”
Or freight rates getting steep.
We skimp, they save –
Truth is: they’re wanting “cheap.”
The Inspector sighed in turn,
‘Some charterers do care,
Oil majors first and foremost,
Others – rather rare.
The Oil Companies
International Marine Forum
(OCIMF) has set up and
funded its own private
inspectorate, SIRE, to
ensure the seaworthiness of
tankers under charter.
Those tankers deemed
satisfactory on inspection
can expect more business
and better terms from the
oil majors, eager to avoid
the bad publicity of marine
pollution incidents.)
‘Oil majors don’t like bad headlines
When tankers hit the rocks
And oil pollutes the beaches
Because the ships are crocks.
‘The public doesn’t like to see
Seabirds black with oil;
Alas, for all the tanker crews,
The public doesn’t care at all.
‘So the tankers get inspected
With much resource and care,
But the crews of all the rest
Make do with me…and prayer.’
PART IV
The Mariner then spoke up:
‘Christian, Buddhist, Hindu, Turk,
Many pray who sail the seas,
But their prayers concern their work.
‘We do not fear a foundering –
Hull pierced, stove in, or rent.
Such a thing may happen,
But it’s a very rare event.
‘Pirates may seize the ship,
And hold us on foreign soil,
But what we fear most is different:
It’s the endless, grinding toil.
‘Each and every ship we join,
Seems there’s fewer crew,
An officer gone, a rating gone,
But there’s still their jobs to do.
(Increasingly, ship operators
have been seeking to save
crewing costs by reducing
the number of watch-
keeping officers. Where
second officers have been
dispensed with, then
watches must alternate
between the master and the
first officer (mate),
although each of them has
many other duties to
perform. An OECD
(2001a) report instances a
saving of $37,000 pa by
under-manning a 20-year-
old 30,000 dwt bulk carrier
by two crew.)
‘The master now must take a watch,
Though there’s paperwork aplenty.
So many crew have disappeared,
The vessel’s almost empty.
‘The master’s nodding on the bridge,
His tired eyes are red.
He’s still to call Head Office,
Before he gets to bed.
‘The mate then takes a watch,
Though it’s two days since he slept –
Problems with the cargo –
But his watch must still be kept
‘The master’s nodding on the bridge,
His tired eyes are red.
He’s still to call Head Office,
Before he gets to bed.
‘The mate then takes a watch,
Though it’s two days since he slept –
Problems with the cargo –
But his watch must be kept
‘Turnabout, the two must watch,
There is no other way,
Six hours on, six off,
Twelve hours in every day.
‘In sickness and in health,
Each watch they duly take,
Dog-tired, red-eyed, grey-faced,
Four months, four months, without a break.
‘No gentle couch our cabin:
The ship is pitching in the waves,
There’s engine noise, vibration,
Yet we sleep the sleep of babes.
‘Too soon, too soon we’re wakened,
We scarcely catch our breath.
An ignoble thing, this tiredness –
As if we slowly bleed to death.’
Part V
As ever when the Mariner spoke,
The Greeks did swell with pride:
‘There is no law that’s broken there,
There’s nothing for us to hide.’
‘You surely lie,’ Consumer cried,
‘I know little of the sea,
But to have a master standing watch –
That’s folly, plain to me.’
The grim inspector then did speak:
‘In truth, they break no law.
The law itself is here at fault –
Therein we find the flaw.
‘The law on Minimum Manning
Lays down for every ship
The crew that must be carried
On each and every trip.
‘What is the minimum manning?
This is what we’re taught:
It’s the smallest competent crew
To bring a stricken vessel safe to port.
(In fact the maximum
number of daily hours of
work for watch-keepers is
specified by the IMO as 14
hours, and the maximum
number of weekly hours is
91.)
‘To make that stricken vessel safe,
Huge effort they’ll expend,
Yet must they slave thus daily?
Til their contract’s at an end?’
Consumer scratched his head:
‘If some members of the crew
Exceed twelve hours each day,
Surely that’s illegal too?’
‘We falsify our working hours’,
Replied the old seadog,
‘To keep the owners happy,
Each day, we flog the log.’
(Falsification of working
hours is so widespread in
the industry that it has
entered everyday slang as
‘flogging the log.’)
‘Then change the minimum manning law –
No more idle chatter –
Require crews to be larger,
It seems a simple matter.’
(Consumer doth not
understand why the flag-
States at IMO do not
change the international
legislation to provide
adequate crewing numbers,
allowing shorter hours.)
The mariner sighed and shrugged.
The Inspector took-up the tale:
‘Flag-States must vote the change,
Or else the measure fails.
‘Flag-States that exist for profit,
And take the operators’ gold,
They can’t increase the crewing costs –
They’ve reputations to uphold.
‘The flag with the greatest tonnage
Flies o’er the Panama Isthmus,
When Panama votes for change,
Then turkeys’ll vote for Christmas.’
Part VI
[All in chorus: …]
‘So come all you kind consumers,
Who the honey’d wine have sipped,
Take pity on the mariner,
Beware how your goods are shipped.
(It is suggested that public
concern for seafarers’
welfare might act in the
same way as public concern
about marine pollution and
be transmitted down the
supply chain from
charterers to ship operators.
Operators who could
‘brand’ their vessels as well
crewed could then
command premium freight
rates.)
‘The crews are outsourced workers,
A study in dejection –
Casualised, long hours, poor training –
And the law is no protection.
‘If charterers thought the public cared
How seafarers are mistreated,
They’d pass the message down the line:
“Our consumers are quite heated.
“It’s bad for our public image,
Like seabirds and pollution,
So get your act together,
And find a true solution.
“We’ll pay your higher freight rates,
If you’ll deploy more crew.
Or we’ll contract your opposition –
See if they know what to do.”
‘So the shippers get the higher rates,
Increase the crews and cut the hours,
Strike the flag of Panama,
And so, at last, they smell of flowers.
‘One day it really just might happen,
A fairy tale come true,
It’s even very possible,
They’d employ and train the crew!’
For an ‘Afterword’ describing in detail the political economy of the global shipping industry, issues of seafarer training, industry regulation and enforcement, please refer to the original publication in the journal ‘Sociology’.
Michael Bloor
These Wood Entities by Jordan Eve Morral
It’s the trees that make me cry
more than anything.
The hemlock stands strong
with its twigs of green and cones
until the last moment
when snow hides the earth
and deer eat the branches bare.
The red cedar stands alone
in fields long abandoned.
Slow but steady it grows
Only to be chopped for chests and posts.
The blue spruce lives long,
valued for its beauty,
but outgrows its friends
well after they are gone.
The red pine feeds mice and birds of song,
but, in eating the seeds,
these creatures devour descendents.
The catalpa with its beans
would seem exempt from my sorrow,
but it too has flowers that quickly fade.
The syrup maple is kind with abundance,
and thus has its sweet sap stolen
before it ever has a taste of itself.
The reason, my friend, these wood entities
bring such strife and pain
is because of the human struggle they endure.
Mankind inflicts the destruction,
and suffers the denouement.
(Image is of the author)
Happening (A Minologue) by Geraint Jonathan
If I hear you say ‘what happens, happens’ just one more time, I’ll be responsible for my actions and it won’t be pretty. What happens happens, what the fuck am I supposed to do with that? What doesn’t happen doesn’t happen, what do you say to that? No don’t, please, don’t answer that, I’m sure there’s a perfectly unreasonable explanation. Things happen, don’t happen, might happen, have happened, will happen, may never happen: I get it. We all just happen along, as you say. But at this precise moment, I happen to be what’s known in the trade as mightily pissed off. Unnervingly so, if I say it myself. That what happens just happens to happen because it happens to happen is no good to me. As to what’s actually happened, it could’ve done with not happening, trust me, its having happened at all being the very thing that shouldn’t have happened. And even though it has happened, I can’t, like you, shrug it off saying ‘these things happen.’ That these things of course do happen is of no consolation at all. They’re not supposed to happen, that’s the whole point. But it’s happened and I’m the one it’s happened to. There’s no getting away from it. Or perhaps there is. Maybe you happen to know what no one else happens to know. Any chance of that? Happening, I mean.
(Image by CJA)
Blonde Noir by DC Diamondopolous
Kit Covington sat on the sofa in her Pacific Palisades mansion with a cigarette lodged in the side of her mouth. A cloud of smoke floated around her head. She adjusted the oxygen tube in her nose, then brushed ash from her dog Muffin’s champagne-colored curls. The miniature poodle dozing in Kit’s lap startled when the camera crew from The Great Morning Talk Show banged equipment into Kit’s antique furniture.
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Domestickery by Geraint Jonathan
I did not, of course, get round to building the table, any more than I got round to fixing the faucet on the kitchen tap. The wood was ordered, paid for, but remained in a heap in the corner of what Libby laughingly called my “workshop”. The faucet, on the other hand, proved resistant to every effort I made, and there was no lack of effort. But drip on is what the tap did, and continued to do for the duration. A dishrag or sponge sufficed to cushion the sound but this in itself proved remedy enough to acquire the trappings of parable. So Libby saw it. The table, after all, would have been just that, another table, one to replace the table we already had; or an extra table. Not so the tap. The tap was something else entirely. A leaking faucet, no matter how silenced by dishrag or sponge the drip of water, tells a story all its own, a fathomable one, muted, terrifying in its lack of promise. There was every getting away from it; two ways about everything. That Libby laughed on saying a word like “workshop” is testament to her endurance, and much else besides.
Geraint Jonathan
Menopausal Male Bombshell by Michael Bloor
Alan had won second prize in a writers’ magazine poetry competition for his ‘Ballad of the Menopausal Male.’ The postman had just delivered the prize, a copy of The Chambers Thesaurus (5th edition).
As Alan hefted the thesaurus in his hand, he recalled that, in what used to be termed The Dark Ages, poets were feted and richly cosseted in the courts of Kings and Great Lords. When Gunnlaug the Worm-Tongue* (‘worm’ as in snake), the great Icelandic skald (= poet) was presented to the English king, Ethelred the Unready, Gunnlaug chanted four lines in praise of the king and was rewarded with a gold-thread-embroided, fur-lined cloak and was invited to spend the entire winter at the royal court.
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