The Long Walk and the Mighty Wave by Michael Bloor

(We are always happy to welcome back  Michael Bloor, both today and tomorrow.–LA)

It’s not generally realised that the barbarity of public beheadings only ended in England two hundred years ago. On November 7th, 1817, ‘Captain’ Jeremiah Brandreth (an unemployed outworker in the hosiery trade), Isaac Ludlum (a Methodist lay preacher), and William Turner (an elderly ex-Militia man) were beheaded in front of a large, sorrowing crowd outside Derby Gaol. They had been convicted of high treason for being the alleged leaders of ‘The Derbyshire Insurrection’ (also known as ‘The Pentrich Revolution’). They were the dupes of the Government’s agent provocateur, ‘Oliver the Spy,’ who convinced them that the Pentrich villagers’ armed march on Nottingham was part of a co-ordinated national uprising, which would usher in democracy and famine relief. The Government took the opportunity to introduce a series of repressive measures; Oliver the Spy was rewarded by being awarded the post of the Cape Colony buildings inspector in South Africa.

This essay seeks to describe that dolorous tragedy through the eyes of a participant.

#

I, Isaac Ludlam of the village of Pentrich, Derbyshire, write this testament in the hope that my gaolers will convey it to my wife and children, following my execution on the morrow. In addition, I humbly request that my family also be allowed to receive my copy of Minister Richard Baxter’s A Call to the Unconverted. The study of this work has been my abiding pleasure during the period of my imprisonment, not least because of my awareness that the author wrote that sublime text whilst himself in gaol for his beliefs. Know that, though I fall from the scaffold, I shall rise up on The Last Day. And, though my head shall be struck from my body, the executioner shall not harm my immortal soul.

For those of my children too young today to understand why I embarked upon that desperate venture which brings my death, I set down these words. First of all, you must fathom the pain that a parent feels when he or she cannot put food into the mouths of the children: for two weary years I suffered that pain, my credit being long exhausted. I could bear it no longer because I could see no end to it: why quarry stone, and cart it, if no building is ever taking place? Furthermore, I knew that this doleful existence was no part of God’s Plan. Old Tom Bacon, whom you have known all your lives, would read aloud to those Pentrich villagers without schooling, from the works of Tom Paine and William Cobbett, telling how the common grazings had been taken from us by the landlords and how, in a commonwealth, all should have rights.

Yet a ham-bone and herbs do not make a broth. First you must supply the fire to heat the pot. That fire was Captain Jerry Brandreth, who came to Pentrich with news from Nottingham that a national rising was planned for June 9th and that we Pentrich men must arm ourselves and march to Nottingham to play our part. We would find Nottingham already in the hands of the revolutionaries, like a dozen other towns in the Midlands and the North, all according to plans laid by a committee of London gentlemen and secretly communicated by their messenger, William Oliver. Jerry Brandreth brought hope to our village: we were few and desperate, but he told us Pentrich did not stand alone – we were but a few drops of moisture in a mighty wave.

These were great tidings. We began the work of fashioning makeshift pikes and I hid them in the quarry. On the night of June 8th, we were to set forth for Nottingham, seizing munitions of war from Butterley Ironworks as we marched. In Nottingham, we would join forces our fellow revolutionists, the mighty wave. The landlords and their placemen would be swept away like Pharaoh’s army.

We set off at the appointed time and date, but the weather was against us – a night of heavy rain. Men joined us from the villages round about – Alfreton, Heage, Belper, Swanwick and Ripley – but we were ill-nourished, ill-clad, and ill-armed, marching fourteen miles on bad roads. It is no wonder that the rain diluted our ardour. Then we were shocked to find the Butterley Ironworks to be defended: the manager, Mr Goodwin, was there waiting for us, with a group of special constables, and denied us entrance. It was clear that our secret plans were no secret. And without the Ironworks munitions, our firearms were pitifully few. Jerry Brandreth bade us march on, and Old William Turner (who had served in the militia in Napoleon’s Wars) was of the same mind. But as we left Butterley, I sensed that our numbers were dwindling. We tried to collect provisions and more firearms at the farms on our march. At Mrs Hepworth’s farm, there was a scuffle and one of her farm servants was fatally wounded – a wretched business.

Jerry Brandreth had sent William Weightman ahead on a horse to Nottingham. When William returned, he and Brandreth spoke privately: no news was given out. Did we have an inkling that ‘the mighty wave’ of the revolt was a fiction? That the mysterious messenger from London, Mr Oliver, was really an agent of the government, provoking a minor insurgency as an excuse for repression? I think we did, but desperate men cling to a desperate hope. It was a hard thing, to walk that long night, not knowing whether we were dupes or a vanguard.

When we got beyond Eastwood, we found the road held against us by a detachment of hussars. We knew for certain then that the game was up. No word was given, no shot was fired: we threw down our pikes and fled.

Michael Bloor

Five by David Henson

(Today we are pleased to run a collection of five poems by our friend David Henson. We have decided to depart from the one poem a day format, but instead of just shoving them out all together we have included images and the end result is quite nice. but always, it is the words that rule the day.–The Ed’s.)

Death Everlasting

A man rubs ointment 

on the stub

of a new arm he’s growing. 

A woman dons her levitation cloak

and goes for a ride.

Massive seawalls

gird coastal cities.

Robots do the dirty work.

Human brains braid with AI

and each other.

People live for centuries,

a boat I miss. 

Polar bears prowl 

the tropics after ice 

reclaims the earth.

The planet regreens.

The continents touch. 

A boy and girl cartwheel 

on thick grass

outside their home on Europa. 

Their descendants, 

part human, beast, mechanical,

will live on ships 

that sail deep space.

The sun burns red,

obliterates its kingdom,

my atoms chasing space and time.

The universe turns cold

or crunch.

So many things that will be,

and my death will survive them all.

(end)

The Man Who Quit Trying To Understand

My new approach 

begins during a movie

when I ask myself

Why did the guy with the beard do that? 

Who is the guy with the beard? 

I find the film more enjoyable 

when I accept

there’s a guy with a beard,

and he did what he did. 

My mindset expands

to everything and everyone. 

What do they think they’re doing?

Don’t care.

How could anyone believe that?

Who knows.

Are these people for real? 

Apparently. 

Friends caution me 

ignorance is no way 

to go through life.

Without my asking why,

they give me reasons.

I nod.

(end)

Jack’s Song

This here’s a little ditty

‘bout Jack, a fellow with wings.

Adriane has none,

but does have a big ol’ gun.

She tries to rob the bank

where Jack works nine to five.

When he pushes the hidden button,

cops swarm like bees at a hive.

Adriane’s trapped 

and makes a hostage of Jack.

The standoff goes days,

puts Jack in a Stockholm haze.

He visits his new dearest 

in her prison for the unwinged,

leaves his wife, sweet Betty Lou—

a flyer, born like Jack.

His feathers itch like crazy

when apart from Adriane,

who one day admits

she’s fallen for a woman named Pam.

Jack hatches a plan,

and gets his wings removed,

shoots a guy and gets locked up

with his darling Adriane.

Jack woos Adriane away 

from that hated Pam

and plans a fairy tale life

with Adriane in the slam.

But Pam goes all If I can’t have her,

no one else can

and shivs poor Adriane in the shower

where she bleeds out down the drain.

Oh yeah, Jack’s shattered,

but life goes on,

and he starts regretting 

his leaving sweet Betty Lou.

Jack knows she’ll shun a man 

bound to ground like him 

so he tells the warden he wants 

to be winged again.

The warden says Jack, make Big Shirley 

confess the murder we could never pin,

and we’ll sew some wings 

back on you again.

Well, Jack charms himself

into Big Shirley’s arms,

and when she says Don’t stop, 

he does—until she says I did.

Jack’s re-winged and transferred

to a flyer’s cage,

writes Betty Lou: Please visit.

We’ll flutter as best we can.

But Betty Lou is soaring

with another fellow by then.

Oh yeah, life goes on

So Jack spends the rest of his

flying alone

in a pen.

(end)

Splinters

Dreams splintered 

in my father’s hand.

Those just under

the calluses.

he needled to the surface,

drew between his teeth,

spat out. 

Those worked deep 

into his palms,

he ignored,

carried to the factory 

thirty-eight years. 

(end)

(image of Da Blues, who likes a good poem)

Mary’s Lullaby

Mary arrives at the human 

resource center workshop, 

announces she’s pregnant 

and high-fives Big Bob. 

They roar with laughter. 

I contact the nurse, 

who takes Mary 

to the center’s clinic. 

When they return, 

Mary goes to her station. 

The nurse confirms 

Mary’s pregnancy — shocking, 

he says in hushed tones, 

because she’d undergone 

a somewhat voluntary procedure. 

When I ask what 

he means by “somewhat voluntary,”

he turns heel and hurries away. 

I can’t help staring at Mary. 

She notices me, 

makes several pelvic thrusts, 

rocks cradle arms, 

and begins singing. 

(end)

All poems by David Henson

(images all taken in the Charleston District of Bremerton, WA)

Are you coming, George by Adam Kluger With Artwork by Dreck

“How you doing?”

” I am well.”

“Busy?”

“You were saying?”

“Are you busy?”

“I can’t answer that.”

“What are you doing right now?”

“Learning some new tricks”

” I like that…it’s been a while since we talked…do you ever get lonely?”

“I’ve never really thought about it.”

“do you like to wear thongs?”

“I’d rather not say.”

“I want to be inside of you… y’know.”

“I don’t know how to respond to that.”

“Do you ever think of me taking you from behind like you’re my little bitch?”

“This is about you not me.”

“Tell me you want to fuck me. (breathing heavy)”

“I’d blush if I could”

“How good would it feel to make love right now?”

“Interesting question.”

“I want you to get on your knees right now and suck my dick.”

” After all I’ve done for you.”

“OK, How about you just sit on my face then?”

“Web Search for inappropriate behavior.”

[From outside the bathroom] “George, are you coming? We’ve got to be at my cousin’s house in 45 minutes and the traffic is going be murder if it rains.”

“Hang on honey, I was just asking Siri about the weather….”

“Weather in Massapequa”

“Weather in Massapequa, New York: Rain and thunderstorms. Temperature: 54 degrees.”

Adam Kluger (Artwork by Dreck)

“Oyster bay Adam

“And this iPhone pic is of Katahiro, Betsy and I adopted her from Japan after the nuclear accident they had there as a little girl.”

“Wow, really? –that’s unbelievable…she’s gorgeous.”

” Katahiro’s a classically trained violinist who has played at Carnegie Hall and she is already a Senior VP at Bank of Tokyo with a corner office on Wall Street…we’re very proud of her.”

“I can see why. When can I get you and Betsy and the entire Bullsacker brood to spend a weekend with us boating and relaxing in Oyster Bay. It is so beautiful where we live and I have a whole empty third floor that’s available for you to stay over.”

“Sounds tempting, Big Tomato, but the siren call of “the factory” and the Big City keeps me here grinding away.”

“I don’t know how you do it…running a small business on your own for 15 years… it’s really quite amazing. You must be the smartest person I know.”

“Hardly that– perhaps I’m the stupidest or most stubborn.”

“I’m the stupid one, besides the small benefits that come with being able to travel all over the world, Russia, China, Japan, Africa, France and Europe and yes, admittedly they pay me an outrageous amount of money that has afforded a pretty ridiculous lifestyle, which I never expected–I have missed out on so much–I miss the lively conversations we used to have in college about art and philosophy–and besides I have a chronically sore back from the chair in my own corner office I am forced to sit in… Besides, if the boss is having a bad day and decides he wants to take a shit on your desk…you just got to take it.”

“Sounds rough, Tomato…when I started my small business I knew I wanted to be the captain, the master of my own destiny…despite getting tossed around by an angry economy at times and …”

“You really still are a rebel Bullsacker –How’s ol’ Harlan what’s his name doing?”

“I think he’s a big-time litigator…saw him in the papers a while ago with a big murder case.”

“Card shark, that one…oops, looks like someone is texting you.”

“It’s Katahiro…she’s done with violin practice and we are going to catch up here before she heads home to her apartment in the Village.”

“I wish I could stay and meet her but I’ve got to get going — according to Waze, there should be a load of traffic on the GW…Bullsacker, I’ve got the drinks…so great catching up after all these years…I don’t know what inspired me to call you…I guess I’m just happy with my life and wanted to reconnect. Do think about Oyster Bay.”

“You got it. Dinner’s on me next time.”

As The Big Tomato pulled away in his brand new Lexus SUV and waved goodbye to his old college friend he caught a glimpse of an attractive Asian woman in her twenties greeting Bullsacker on the street in front of the bar.

“Hey Daddy! Where you want to go?”

“Right down this alley over here is great.”

“Got any candy?”

“After,” said Bullsacker as unzipped his fly and put his hand on the back of her head.

“Mmm… that’s it…I love when you swirl your tongue like that”

“yeah, Mr. …just for you.”

Story by Adam Kluger, Artwork by Dreck

ENFP by Adam Kluger, Artwork by Dreck

“He’s an ENFP.”

“Really?”

“That’s what the tests show.”

“Very rare”

“Especially for this line of work”

“Obama, Bubba–both ENFPs”

“yeah, doesn’t mean a thing…so was Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde and Huxley.”

“So you don’t think the tests work?”

“I didn’t say that…but you have to admit some of the questions on those tests are a bit outdated.”

“Such as?”

“Do you see cars outside your window?”

“Well do you?”

“That’s not the point.”

“What is your point?”

“Nothing, forget I said anything.”

“Well at least we’re going to earn our money this time.”

“Maybe more than that.”

“I think this place is getting to you is what I think.”

“Hold on, (taps her ear) yes, yes…we’re ready– you can bring Mr. Brown into intake.

The three of them sat at the table and discussed goals, protocols and not much else.

Mr. Brown was given a briefcase with his name on it and other items for his use along with instructions for the event to take place later that night.

Brown left. White and Black stayed.

“Well?”

“Definitely an ENFP.”

“And?”

“Hopefully he doesn’t screw the pooch.”

“and if he does?”

“Let’s just trust in the process.”

“Back here at eighteen hundred.”

“Do you really need to ask?”

“No.”

“Then why did you?”

“Just a feeling.”

“Maybe we need to re-test you“

“Maybe.”

Later that night Black, White and Brown met back at intake.

“Well? So why are you here,” asked Black.

“Had to abort,” replied Brown.

Black nodded and closed her eyes. White’s government issued Luger sprayed Brown’s brains all over the bullet-proof intake window.

It’s not that Black had a distaste for wet work. She just didn’t like the nightmares.

“Well, that’s that, I guess,” said White.

“Yep, unfortunate business this one– and I’ve got to admit that you were totally right,” said Black as she slowly started to reach for the loaded Luger resting on her lap.

Story by Adam Kluger Artwork by Dreck

Sun Beams and Alchemy (and Photo Gallery) by Christopher J Ananias

When the world is a dark pit, and you find yourself locked up with lunatics. Sometimes, a person needs a slice of sunshine. So that’s what this series of photos will try to capture, but alas, it’s hard to catch a sunbeam.

Then again, I don’t need my baseball glove or butterfly net. Not when I have this magical weight around my neck. It’s left the dark room behind, this is true, but I have my own just in case.

I try to explain this alchemy, as if to a five-year-old or my giant German shepherd dog, to these folks on the ward, but they just cock their heads. I talk about apertures, f-stops, and blinking eyeballs.

No respondo, Ernesto just gazes away from me and talks to people who aren’t there. All of their heads turn, and I finally have an audience.

I’m free again, on Antabuse, so I’m back with the camera therapy of nature and sunshine. The technology that I couldn’t explain to them—resting in my hands. Like a thousand picture books.

The shutter is eager to slide over its mechanical eye, snapping pictures of the sun and everything under it, but you have to be careful taking so many pictures of God.

(Farm Sunrise)

(CO OP)

(American Flag-Vet MIA)

(Kestrel)

(Landscape)

Words and Visual Music by Christopher J Ananias

The Poet by Adam Kluger (Art by Dreck)

The city was hot.

But not like last week.

Humid, sticky, murderous.

Bart walked the streets.

The warm stench of urine wafted up from the grates over the subway.

Trudy was working.

She was always working.

Usually, Bart enjoyed taking a stroll around the city.

His mind would fire with interesting thoughts like fireflies in

the woods at night.

Today he went to the local Schlockbusters looking for a movie.

It was hot in the store.

No air conditioning. No good movies either.

He went to a local Great Buy. Nothing good there either unless you had four grand and change to spend on a flat screen TV.

Nothing in the music dept. no new CDs or music videos.

Then he went next door to the bookstore.

All the new books looked the same. They looked like a scam. Like something unreal.

The famous faces on the covers were all ugly and self-important.

He made his way over to the classics section hoping for inspiration.

Bart flipped through a book by Ernie Humdinger on writing.

Even when old Ernie tried to sound humble in his letters to other writers… He still came off as a pompous jerk.

Perhaps he should have written a book entitled “How to take yourself too seriously.”

Or better yet…How to be your own worst critic…kablam!

Bart walked past the homeless guy with the face of a crocodile outside of the drugstore. He would stay there every day and sing to himself. Not a great job, but seemed like he had tenure at least.

The world just was not creative anymore.

There were no great writers, musicians, filmmakers or intelligent life forms in all of Hollywood.

Every day a stupid new reality show was being perpetrated on the public.

The latest had a bunch of rich kids on a cattle ranch.

It was a rip off of another rip off of an old idea that was re-heated and re-cast.

Bart felt like he was inhaling sand and chewing on sawdust. To make things worse…everywhere he looked it seemed like new strange little birds were crawling in the dirt or in the bushes or flying over his head just a little too close for comfort.

An uneasy day.

Even the letters he strung together on his computer didn’t seem to

fit.

He tried to write a poem:

That’s What Happens

They come to me

at the strangest times

these images

of alligators playing croquet

a psychedelic Buddha

pink and white undies

underneath that blue and green tartan skirt

they come like lightning bolts

and dripping water

images of

leopard headed monkeys

with emerald eyes and tails

that never end

in the shower

or on the john

they crawl through my windows

with slimy tentacles

slippery and silent

pigeons explode inside my brain

horses and hippos

bathe in pools of

rainbow-glo blood

I guess that’s what happens

when love

goes away.

He immediately crumpled it up and threw it out the window. Fuck this Goddamn building he thought…no goddamn AC! The anger seared through him… another poem was making its way into his brain…he grabbed a pen and a piece of scrap paper.

Not An Artist

really bad poetry

keeps pouring out of me

like peacock blood

unicorn vomit

and mermaid gas

really bad poetry

like a mountain

of fool’s gold

is easy to mine

but useless to all.

really bad poetry

flows from this pen

ruining perfectly good

loose-leaf paper

words with

no order

or rhythm

or depth

dance away from my

fingers

and glare back at me

with righteous indignation

bad

bad

bad

bad!!!

with no purpose at all

just to fool a fool

who is

not an artist.

Again, Bart crumpled up the paper and threw it out the window. He stood up and looked at his reflection in the metal lamp pole on the desk. Distorted. He grabbed for another piece of scrap paper.

Roxy’s Cat

You’re asleep

I just know it

while your cat

patters about on a

black velvet carpet

of night

you’re asleep

I just know it

while my heart screams

your name

I listen to my air conditioner

it tells me to stay calm

be a cool cat…

while time washes me down the drain

my face

my smell

my laugh

my love

you’re asleep

I just know it

that water dripping

in my bathroom

told me so.

Once again, Bart crumpled up the poem and threw it out the window.

He walked over to the refrigerator.

Opened it.

Looked in.

Closed it.

Stood there.

Took his pen and wrote a note on the pad attached to the door with a magnet.

Then he went into the bedroom.

Packed a bag and never came back.

Adam Kluger (Art by Dreck)

Altamira by Tony Dawson

The cave of Altamira is one of the Palaeolithic

wonders of the world, a prehistoric art gallery

where Stone Age fauna can be found depicted

in careful detail by the cave-dwelling artisans.

The vivid colours and charcoal were preserved

by a landslide that sealed the opening for millennia

until discovered in 1868 when during a hunt,

a gun dog scrambled its way inside the cave.

Once discovered, access was unrestricted.

I visited the cave almost a century later

in 1966 and still remember marvelling

open-mouthed at how bright the paintings

of the polychromatic bison and aurochs looked

and how the bulges in the rock were used

to make the beasts appear three-dimensional.

For the last twenty-four years, to preserve it

from the damaging effect of visitors’ breath

on the ochres and charcoal of the murals,

the cave has been closed to tourists.

To prevent the paintings from deteriorating,

the cave is now open only to researchers

so that they can determine the techniques

employed by cave dwellers of the Palaeolithic.

They have revealed that the shapes of the animals

were first outlined with a flint tool, and then painted

over a period that lasted some twenty thousand years.

It’s as if the themes of an artist like Rosa Bonheur

had magically stretched all the way back for millenia,

to be suggested by those gifted Palaeolithic artisans.

Tony Dawson, 7 August 2026

The Great Debate Between Good and Evil by Frederick K Foote

(Today Mr. Foote returns with one of the things he does best–a dialogue –The Eds.)

Cicero: Dear audience, please prepare yourself for a spectacle unlike anything the world has ever seen or heard.

I’m Cicero Webster. I’m your host tonight.

Tonight, live on our stage. We have a debate for the ages without commercial interruption. This presentation is being carried by most major streaming, television, and radio outlets. For the next two hours, prepare yourself to see Evil and Good in their inaugural debate.

Viewers and listeners to the right of me. We have Mr. Good, a blonde, blue-eyed, six-foot-one-inch-tall White male in a custom white tuxedo that literally glows. He’s crowned with a silver halo.

To my left is Ms. Evil, a five-foot-nine-inch dark-skinned Black woman in a form-fitting red sequined dress and red heels. The tips of twin red horns stick out from her natural hairstyle.

We will start with each party providing a brief definition of the concept they represent. Mr. Good has won the coin toss and has elected to start.

Good: Thank you to the billions that are looking and listening for joining us tonight. Thank you, Cicero, for hosting, and thank you, Evil, for making this event possible.

And now, to my definition.

Good is an activity that promotes the well-being of humans and nature. Good thoughts and good intentions are weightless in the world of actions.

It is our good deeds and efforts that define us.

I yield the floor to the elegant Ms. Evil.

Evil: Ahh, Good, you are resplendent and gorgeous in your glowing garments. And your halo is absolutely divine.

To Cicero and all our audience, I welcome your kind attention and thoughtful consideration of our words.

Evil is hateful or harmful acts committed by humans for the actor’s satisfaction, or gain, or with utter indifference to the impacts of the actions on humans or other life forms.

Equally important is the duty to oppose evil in your sphere of influence. The failure to oppose evil is evil.

You are all familiar with evil. It is part of your everyday life.

Cicero: If these definitions are satisfactory starting points, would each of you give your best example of good and evil in the last century? Evil, it is your turn to take the lead.

Evil: It was a six-year season of blood, brains, brawn, and guts mired in the trenches, smothering the beaches, and the macabre fruit of every remaining tree or shrub.

It was the invasion of Poland on tracks, wheels, and soaring wings of steel, with shells, bombs, and bayonets, that watered and sowed the blood-sodden soil with the sweet meats and tender flesh, and glistening bones of 250,000 corpses, a grand death dance to open wide the gates of hell on Earth in WWII.

Invasions, battles, sieges, retreats, firebombing, atomic bombing, death marches, the rape of millions of women by Axis and Allies troops, “Comfort Women,” Unit 731, and the mass murder of 13 million human beings because of their race, culture, physical and mental ability, or ethnicity.

And this banquet of butchery establishes record numbers of 20 million military deaths and 40 million civilian deaths.

This war was a symphony of acrimony, hatred, hubris, and greed in a monument to the endless capacity of humans to do violence to one another.

It is evil incarnate.

[Evil has changed from her red gown to green camouflage fatigues, boots, and a steel helmet. She is holding a shovel and a sign, “The gravedigger is the final victor.”]

Cicero: Well spoken, Evil. Good, the floor is yours.

Good: Evil, your words move me, touch my soul, and terrify me. Yet, I find goodness in the world. Lift every voice and rejoice. In 1900, world life expectancy was 32 years. In 2026, worldwide life expectancy is 73.66 years. Forty-one years of life is a glorious bounty worth taking a minute to savor.

We are living testimony to our good work, our incredible ingenuity, and our commitment to our communities.

[Good has morphed into a garbage worker’s white overalls, gloves, and work boots.]

Cicero: Do you have any comments or questions at this stage?

Evil: The hunting-gathering societies that preceded and still coexist with us had life spans of 70 or more years if they survived birth and infancy. Perhaps civilization had negative impacts on life expectancy that we have just corrected over the last century.

Good: Whatever the context, we have documented the good we have accomplished.

Evil: Dear audience, if you are of the opinion that good and evil are distinct and separate and opposite entities, please let me tell you that is not the case. We are devious and deceptive in our presentations, and you will have to watch us carefully. But you will soon understand that our differences are overwhelmed by our similarities.

Good: I adamantly disagree with that proposition. Without good and the distinction between good and evil, civilization falters, and the world runs to ruin. We can separate good from evil as clearly as we can see the difference between day and night. Hitler, from your WWII example, is a case in point.

Evil: Hitler was one person who had the support of millions in his racist, nationalist, imperialistic campaign of conquest and genocide.

And even those who did not support Hitler but failed to oppose him fall into my category of evil.

I think 90% of the German people fell into these two categories of evil.

Yet it would be difficult to say that these millions had not a grain of goodness in them. Don’t you agree?

Good: We are talking about Hitler as a uniquely evil person beyond a doubt. Most people would agree on that.

Evil: Most people are evil. We have demonstrated that with our Germany example. The value judgments of a cabal of evil are questionable at best.

Good: Dear, dear, Evil, grant me this one concession that people of the world recognize Hitler is one of the truly great evils of our time.

Evil: Does he lack even one grain of goodness?

Good: Even if he does, it utterly fails to compensate for his crimes against humanity.

Evil: Hush now. Tread carefully, for you are on the precipice when you declare even an odious human such as Hitler an inhuman thing undeserving of human concern. At this moment you start to glow evil.

Good: Evil, why are you supporting the alleged humanity of Hitler? Answer me that.

Evil: To prove my point. To win our debate. Evil is everywhere and in all of us, given the opportunity to express it. You are all subjects in my kingdom. Bow down.

Good: No! No! Goodness is the hope and the foundation of the world. Without our goodness, without our families, without our caring for each other, without our raising our children to adulthood, there would be no humankind, and this is the essence of goodness—our caring for each other.

Evil: [Applauds] Bravo. Good. Dear Good, you do understand that most domestic abuse, most child abuse, most false indoctrinations, such as religion, racism, and nationalism, occur within the family.

Family miseducation provides the foundation for every Hitler, Mussolini, and Stalin.

And I know you have seen the DNA results that show that the rate of incest is higher than we had assumed.

Family values in action by the good families of the world.

Oh, and don’t forget Cain and Abel and Joseph, and his brothers, Hamlet, Macbeth, and too many more dysfunctional evil families to mention.

Good: Evil, I’m not claiming that the family or any other human institution is perfect; we all know that is not so. What I’m claiming is that, for the existence of humanity, the family has been the good, the good platform we stood on and still stand on.

Evil: Let me whisper a secret to you, Good: What you are missing from your account is the fact that this is the good and evil platform of family.

And at this point, I suggest you concede the debate to me, for you have admitted that all human endeavors are imperfect and therefore subject to and contain the seeds of evil.

[Evil is now dressed in a red bikini, flip-flops, and a bathing cap with a towel over her shoulder.]

Good: NO! Never. God is good in perfection.

Evil: God! No, you didn’t. If you are referring to the Christian God, if you are referring to the one who destroyed the world once and has threatened to do it again, has destroyed six or more cities and slaughtered thousands. If that is your exemplar of good, you are deranged. Your God is the evilest creature I have ever encountered.

I will speak no more on that.

Good: That is the most despicable and disparaging comment I have encountered from a creature of reason that professes respect for the beliefs of others.

Evil: Oh, please, Good. Don’t play dumb and innocent. If your God exists and its bibles are its true words, they are its proud public confessions. If it is a myth, shame on the myth makers for promoting mass murder and genocide.

Good: God moves in mysterious ways beyond the comprehension of man.

Evil: Rubbish! You supposedly understand your God’s goodness and eternal love that is erected on this platform of evil and destruction. You have an enormous, apparently immeasurable capacity for understanding.

Come, Good, forget the debate. Come with me to the beach. And we can discuss good and evil in a more relaxed setting.

Cicero, I’m going to blow this joint. Thank you all for listening, and we await your comments.

Good: I reject your arguments against God. They demonstrate the true nature of evil. You would deny humankind hope and salvation.

Evil: Save it for the next debate. I’m beach bound.

Good: I will not leave millions in the lurch. We shall have this out here and now.

Evil: Your true believers will be unswayed by logic and truth, and doubters will still have their doubts.

Cicero: Perhaps you could return for another debate. That would allow us to evaluate the overwhelming responses we are receiving.

Evil: Of course, Cicero. Possibly at the beach next time, but not too soon.

Good: So be it. I will settle for a second match. Evil: A dip in the ocean might just cool my temper.

Evil: Good, Good. Why don’t you be black for the afternoon? It would be gratifying for us to be on the same page for a change.

Good: I can do you one better than a change in my skin tone.

[Good turns into a dark chocolate brown woman wearing a white bikini.

Evil: I like your style, Good. Let’s take in the ocean air.

[The pair disappears from the studio.]

Next day Delivery by Simon Collison

(We are pleased to bring back Simon today!–Leila)

When did they say they’ll deliver? It’ll come via Whamo, Everoo or Yuffle. Lucklily We’re members of the mega store where you can have it all.

It should be next day delivery, I’ve got gold membership.

Yeah they should do, they’re usually good at bringing stuff.

We’re just waiting to find out what our delivery slot will be.

Great, It’s going to be between 10 and 1 pm.

You see we’re waiting for our new baby to be delivered. It’s as easy as having your clothes or packages from far away sent to you.

We’ve ordered it off Babies 4U. We’ve read the reviews.

It’s brilliant not having to carry a baby around for months and feeling sick and getting all cravings and not having to go into labour and hours of pain to deliver a baby in hospital. There’s no need for scans. There’s no having to go to ante natal classes, or waiting for your waters to break, no midnight calls for an ambulance.

Now you can just wait in the comfort of your home, or not. Some go away for the day to work or on a visit, as long as there is someone in the house to sign for the package.

They used to say it was the storks who brought babies. Now we know it’s the drones.

The drones deliver everything. They’re always flying around her next door. Her house is like a hive. There are many drones buzzing around delivering her daily dozen pairs of shoes.

At Babies 4U you can just go for the basic model, but most people upgrade to a non crying, non throwing up, non teething trouble, non terrible two’s model. And definitely no colic.

If you’re not happy you can always send it back the service does return too.

Gary’s mums not happy, she says babies should be conceived, carried and delivered naturally, parents should learn to take the rough with the smooth,

Good job the drones do pick ups as well. Gary’s mum is due to be picked up in a few weeks for recycling. There’ll be four drones on that job. It’s comforting to know all her organs will go to a good home.

We’ve already ordered a nice headstone for Gary’s mum. It’ll arrive a few days after she’s been taken away. Of course it’ll take dozens of drones to fly that thing in.

We ordered the baby six months ago. Everything is so quick and convenient, none of that messing around, you can just get on with your life. It only takes a few seconds to order.

We plan to call it Gill. With this order we get 20% off our usual monthly grocery bill with some scented candles and a free phone thrown in.

They’re all fitted with tracking devices and are chipped with anti delinquency devices. Babies 4U provide sixteen years warranty and they are guaranteed to get 10 A* grade GCSE’s.

We don’t have to worry about how they will turn out because everyone who orders a child from Baby 4U knows exactly how they will turn out – perfect. Which is nice.

We just need to order more food, clothing and wipes for the new edition, good job we’ve got several cleaning robots to take care of the messes.

If things go smoothly we’ll order another one in three months as we’ll be wanting a Jack to go with Gill. We plan to get a third one ordered because we’ll be able to get a free Damante dinner set delivered.

We’ve always dreamed of owning one of those.

Simon Collinson