(We are pleased to bring back Simon today!–Leila)

When did they say they’ll deliver? It’ll come via Whamo, Everoo or Yuffle. Lucklily We’re members of the mega store where you can have it all.

It should be next day delivery, I’ve got gold membership.

Yeah they should do, they’re usually good at bringing stuff.

We’re just waiting to find out what our delivery slot will be.

Great, It’s going to be between 10 and 1 pm.

You see we’re waiting for our new baby to be delivered. It’s as easy as having your clothes or packages from far away sent to you.

We’ve ordered it off Babies 4U. We’ve read the reviews.

It’s brilliant not having to carry a baby around for months and feeling sick and getting all cravings and not having to go into labour and hours of pain to deliver a baby in hospital. There’s no need for scans. There’s no having to go to ante natal classes, or waiting for your waters to break, no midnight calls for an ambulance.

Now you can just wait in the comfort of your home, or not. Some go away for the day to work or on a visit, as long as there is someone in the house to sign for the package.

They used to say it was the storks who brought babies. Now we know it’s the drones.

The drones deliver everything. They’re always flying around her next door. Her house is like a hive. There are many drones buzzing around delivering her daily dozen pairs of shoes.

At Babies 4U you can just go for the basic model, but most people upgrade to a non crying, non throwing up, non teething trouble, non terrible two’s model. And definitely no colic.

If you’re not happy you can always send it back the service does return too.

Gary’s mums not happy, she says babies should be conceived, carried and delivered naturally, parents should learn to take the rough with the smooth,

Good job the drones do pick ups as well. Gary’s mum is due to be picked up in a few weeks for recycling. There’ll be four drones on that job. It’s comforting to know all her organs will go to a good home.

We’ve already ordered a nice headstone for Gary’s mum. It’ll arrive a few days after she’s been taken away. Of course it’ll take dozens of drones to fly that thing in.

We ordered the baby six months ago. Everything is so quick and convenient, none of that messing around, you can just get on with your life. It only takes a few seconds to order.

We plan to call it Gill. With this order we get 20% off our usual monthly grocery bill with some scented candles and a free phone thrown in.

They’re all fitted with tracking devices and are chipped with anti delinquency devices. Babies 4U provide sixteen years warranty and they are guaranteed to get 10 A* grade GCSE’s.

We don’t have to worry about how they will turn out because everyone who orders a child from Baby 4U knows exactly how they will turn out – perfect. Which is nice.

We just need to order more food, clothing and wipes for the new edition, good job we’ve got several cleaning robots to take care of the messes.

If things go smoothly we’ll order another one in three months as we’ll be wanting a Jack to go with Gill. We plan to get a third one ordered because we’ll be able to get a free Damante dinner set delivered.

We’ve always dreamed of owning one of those.

Simon Collinson