” Pam, I can’t believe you were able to get me an appointment so quickly”

“Why’s that?”

“This time of year…”

“a personal reference goes a long way.”

“Apparently.”

“It is actually a great time to do it with all the publicity surrounding similar types of surgeries–the price went down significantly.”

“I can’t wait…I’m been wanting to pull the trigger for years.”

“What was the final straw?”

“Oh you know better than anyone…it was just an ever-growing laundry list.”

“Amen sister.”

A gentle knock was barely perceptible on the kitchen door.

“Dear?”

“Yes, Marvin”

“Would you and your guest be more comfortable in the living room while I start preparations for dinner?”

“No! Actually, we’re still finishing our wine…but do come in I wanted to talk to you…I’m very unhappy.”

The middle-aged man timidly inched his way into the kitchen nodding to his wife and her guest.

“Yes, dearest?”

“Don’t sweet talk me–look at these counters…I see cookie crumbs all over. I certainly didn’t put them there.”

“But, but…”

“Don’t you but me..and don’t backtalk me in front of my friend…” Suddenly, Marvin’s wife filled her empty wine glass with cold water from the sink and then threw the cold water violently into her husband’s face.

“There! Maybe that will wake you up to what I expect from now on…. you did not stack the plates in the dishwasher the way I like it. When I tell you to do something a certain way in the kitchen I expect you to follow instructions. Or are you trying to get me angry.”

“Yes dear, I mean NO dear, Marvin replied with water dripping off his emotionless face.”

“And remember…the refrigerator is organized a specific way. Don’t start putting food on the second shelf. That’s only for water. How many times do I have to tell you that.”

“I’m sorry, honey.”

“And don’t think I didn’t see that one of my yogurts was missing. Those are mine. You have your own food. Leave my food alone. You’re fat enough as is. You don’t need to be eating yogurt. You should be working out more anyway.”

“You’re right.”

“I know I’m right…I’m like a broken record player. Why don’t you go clean up my shoe closet for the next hour until we’re done here. That ought to help you break a sweat.”

“Yep, I’m on it.”

“Wait!”

“Yes, dear?”

“This dish rag is all wet….were you planning on leaving it here in the kitchen? Yeah, I’m sure you were. It’s goes in the clothes hamper with the other dirty laundry you should be washing…right NOW….you can get to the closet after”

As Marvin quickly left the kitchen, Pam’s friend was pantomiming an enthusiastic applause with her hands. On her face was a huge smile.

“Pammie, you’ve got that one almost totally housebroken.”

“I can’t take all the credit, they do offer tremendous after-treatment consultations at the clinic if you ever need them.”

“Seems like you have everything well in hand here…can’t wait to get Fred in the operating room.”

“Timing’s great, Nan…I’m here too if you ever have any questions.”

“I’ve got one question actually…It’s kind of personal.”

“Go ahead, shoot.”

“What do they do with them–you know, after the operation I mean?”

“Oh those useless things…I keep Marvin’s in a jar in the cabinet above the fridge.”

“You do NOT!”

“You BET I do… that lazy prick sometimes needs a good reminder of who’s the boss now.”

“Great wine by the way”

“Isn’t it? Sheila recommended it. I really love a good Chardonnay.”

“Who doesn’t?”

Adam Kluger (Art by Dreck)