fantasy

send the nobel directly to dame daisy kloverleaf, c/o saragun springs, the multiverse

Dear readerly readers, with the bonus rubaiyat section published  in March I have faithfully translated One hundred quatrains of what was at one time billigits’ gibberish in twenty-fively installents of four.

To equal Omar’s hundred from ninety six, I shall nowly now republish the bonus because everyone in the world, save two, missed it the first time.

There will be more rubaiyats in the future–but the next one will be the Rubaiyat of Dame Daisy Kloverleaf, coming sometime this fall (unlike the wee-winged ones, I like capital letters and punctuationally punctuation marks).

You’re welcome.

Dame Daisy Kloverleaf (soon a Nobel Laureate)

The bonus repeat:

i

willie told the billies a tale deep in gin

about a donkey legend named uncle finn

finn was a humble jackass of no note

but when times got tough he busted the wind

ii

finn flew deep into the darkness of hell

he went in and kicked satans belly bell

yet his legendary tasks had gone unknown

until this magic donkey had to tell

iii

people said finn could not do such bravery

donkeys are useless save in slavery

but after many kicks to the scoffers heads

the people admitted their knavery

iv

spread the story across this land of sin

of the bravest donkey that’s ever been

and may all the knaves say out of respect

you’re a better ass than i uncle finn

the rubaiyat of the billigits: part twenty-four (translated by dame daisy cloverleaf) document

i

the billigits live little lives serene

yet i must stifle an evilmost scream

as they mince frolic and gambol too sweet

i resist punching my hoof through the screen

ii

rhyme schemes and ten beats are doing me in

so many better words fail to win

and those soggy syllables weigh me down

them soft to the tongue like being and been

iii

i will be a magic goat (rose and thorn)

and soar far above life’s punch in the horn

and prance and caper and do whatever

it takes to make it big like capricorn

iv

yet i take solace in my workly work

even though i must machete through the jerks

soonly saint of the adverbs I shall be

long before we see peace on earthly earth

the rubaiyat of the billigits: part twenty-three (translated by dame daisy kloverleaf)

i

people do not respect the deadly dead

they treat us as though we profane the bed

so said a ghost in her pique and fury

giving the moving hoof an achy head

ii

you demand to be both feared and adored

whilst you play siren in the haunted moors

yet you criticize the quick for ire

when you tell them they have the souls of whores

iii

ah but those are words writ by scribely droops

cliched villainy oh so scooby doo

whom if born turkeys would surely be jive

no fresh stories since jesus was new

iv

the moving hoof has heard it all before

exaggerations heaped with scorn

like nails and hair of the dead still grow

their pinocchio-noses add more

the rubaiyat of the billigits: part twenty-two (translated by dame daisy kloverleaf)

i

asses to asses honk to honky

we know willie is a magic donkey

and so devoted to his peggy

that he never rolls in drunk and wonky

ii

flying horse donkey and twin mules make four

in their barnhouse the kids were bornly born

a boy and a girl each magic and winged

yet both are muley about homework and chores

iii

asses to asses honk to honky

you know willie’s a family donkey

his wild oatley oats have all been sown

But he has a home bar to get wonky

iv

the billigits say that gin tells the truth

as long as you mix it with good vermouth

the billigits say that gin tells the truth

as long as you mix it with good vermouth…

(repeat final two lines until insanity sets inly in-daisy)

The rubaiyat of the billigits part twenty-one: translated by dame daisy kloverleaf

i

there are certainly more than seven seas

and far more than just seven sins to squeeze

out of one lifely life in the small world

it makes no sensely sense to me daisy

ii

and we have fools who get everything wrong

sea of greed in whom ignorance is strong

they know not pride nor wrath nor gluttony

the baltic is just water in a bong

iii

how was it so much finer yesterday

when nobody could count to eightly eight

and sins and seas were all the samely same

before the beauty of adverbs brought grace

iv

the moving hoof shall beat much morely more

and whence it stomps means it is boredly bored

with sinners and sailors and nincompoops

it shall be named the hoof that roarly roared

the rubaiyat of the billigits part twenty (translated by dame daisy kloverleaf)

i

the wee billigits flew to camelot

cos it sounded like a magical spot

they met arthur merlin and galahad

but neither guinevere nor lancelot

ii

rumors of cheating abounded

the lady of the lake sounded drownded

even excalibur was dulled by truth

bitter cold confoundingly confounded

iii

twas a medieval hank williams hurt song

wife and best friend did the king wrongly wrong

but there are two sides to every love tale

some said arthur lingered at the inn long

iv

the billigits offered to mediate

a settlement they would negotiate

avalon froze and the sky grew heavy

when they told the king he was free to date

the rubiayat of the billigits: part thirteen

(translated by dame daisy kloverleaf)

i

the billigits hootch distillery

makes hundred proof liquid artillery

but it is best to sip it calmly calm

lest you drink yourself onto the pillory

ii

willie donkey downs a quart everyday

he offers some to horses who say neigh

horses are not snobbly snobs or too high

they prefer equine beer made from good hay

iii

there is an e in scotland scotch whiskey

most of the rest go second vowell free

billies spell it w-h-i-s-k-i

and call it whiskigits on delivery

iv

two fingers lead to three sheets in the wind

magic donkeys drink from bucket and bin

lacking fingers they do not much worry

cos it takes hands to carry original sin

the rubaiyat of the billigits: part twelve

(translated by dame daisy kloverleaf)

i

monday billigits are full of faces

eyeing little mirrors in strange places

tuesday billigits listen to grace slick

eyeing small white rabbits in blank spaces

ii

wednesday billigits playin hooky

in pooly pool halls learning snooki

thursday billies say it is snooker

that means hooky hooker cooker cookie

iii

friday billigits are about drinkin

with willie the donkey come home stinkin

saturday gits want the hair of the dog

and magic donkeys are for that thinkin

iv

sunday billigits are free on bail

the night before was quite the third sail

with willie they did paint the town bright blue

magic donkeys never go to jail

the rubaiyat of the billigits: part eleven

(translatedly translated by dame daisy kloverleaf)

i

gather around and you will hearly hear

bout the midnight flight of wasted reindeer

the billigits saw them high in the sky

cupid slurring santa smellin of beer

ii

a snowflake inquisition was brought to wit

called by puritan karen hypocrites

what about our pure children they squealed

whatta bout em mad santa asked quite blitzed

iii

ten months a year we work where it freezes

to make gifts for your spoiled diseases

we do it for free yet you fail to thank

if up to me I’d send you to jesus

iv

the billigits led the big cheer hooray

santa had socked it to that p.t.a.

the snowflake karens slunked off now knowing

that was one elf you do not playly play

the rubaiyat of the billigits: part nine

(faithfully translatedly translated by daisy kloverleaf)

i

it was the mediocrest of timely times

and the billigits wanted better rhymes

the scriv’ner was surly and sensitive

and she cared little about gittly whines

ii

as long as they blend not too horrible

the wee folk should not dare cry doggerel

for i espy on the byline their names

the four infants billigits terrible

iii

the vexed billigits flew off to the bar

with willie the magic donkey right thar

they partied hard in fast sin and sloe gin

When willie left the billies called him squar

iv

never insult a magic donkey

especially at a honky tonkey

unless you are prepared to be kicked long

all the wayly way to old milwaukee