Today’s Bear Drills Differ From the Atomic Bomb Drills of My Day by David Henson

(We are always pleased to bring back David Henson –the Eds.)

When I was in school, we had atomic bomb drills. We crouched under our desks and clasped our hands behind our heads, a few of us giggling until the speaker crackled, and the principal declared the drill over. Sometimes the class clown walked around stiff legged, arms extended and said they were glowing. Today, bear drills have replaced those for the atomic bomb. Bears should never get inside a school, but it can happen if someone leaves a gate ajar or a guard nods off.

The principal launches the drill by whispering Bear over the PA system. The teacher, who’s memorized the protocols, unlocks a drawer containing a spray can of Ursus Away and practices a two-handed grip. A pre-designated student locks the classroom door. Instead of hiding under their desks, the children pile them at the entry. The students pretend a bellowing, stinky bear is lumbering up and down the hallway. Everyone is supposed to be quiet, but although it’s only a drill, a kid with an overactive imagination might whimper. It probably doesn’t matter because a bear can smell a chocolate chip cookie from a mile away. A human can’t outrun a bear so the children lie prone, playing dead, trying not to sneeze from the dust bunnies. A couple students grip sharpened pencils … as if that could stop a bear. In the event of the real thing, the students know a few will be sacrificed, but even the hungriest grizzly will fill its belly before the whole class is devoured. When the speaker buzzes, and the principal announces All Clear, no one giggles; the class clown doesn’t act up. Hoping the next time is also only a drill, the children rise and drag their desks back into rows.

David Henson

10 thoughts on “Today’s Bear Drills Differ From the Atomic Bomb Drills of My Day by David Henson”

  1. Hi David

    Oh I remember the bomb drills! (And fire and earthquake and bomb…) And I recall that there was always the Smart Kid who would tell everyone just how stupid it is and that since we live beside one of the major targets (Puget Sound Naval Shipyard) we were wasting our time. I for one would rather not know they were coming. Why live that last twenty minutes or so be in extreme fear? It would be like that Twilight episode “They fly over., Stryker..zoom whammo!” The one in which ever-oily Robert Andrews watched the family who would later fly to earth…those shows did not help either!

    Leila

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  2. Bill Tope's avatar Bill Tope says:

    I too recall the atom bomb drills of the 1950s and the 1960s and I’m aware of shooter drills that take place today. I confess I’ve never heard of a “bear” drill and I wonder if David, with his keen sense of humor, is having us on.

    I understand how the lines of civilization encroach further on the habit of wildlife–including bears–and how bears, through hunger, curiosity or surliness, repay the favor. But do such practice alerts really take place. In Alaska or Colorado, I might say, uh, okay, but across the country? In Illinois? Or Mississippi?

    More timelt alerts might proliferate; say, a pervert, or “Epstein Alert” or a warning against the guy selling bad drugs. “Bear alerts.” Do they really exist?

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  3. DWB's avatar DWB says:

    David

    This is a truly thought-provoking, Kafkaesque or Borgesian parable that says many different things in many different ways. It challenges the usual thought processes which is exactly what a philosophical or religious parable should do.

    Now they have drills in case a shooter gets into the building and unfortunately, these kinds of drills are more realistic than the ones for nuclear war (also fortunately) were. And now, we’re also probably more right than we think if we start doing nuclear war drills again. Europe keeps poking the angry bear with sticks and then who knows what might happen – after a single “tactical” weapon is used, the escalation ladder could conceivably go straight upward very, very fast. If not total annihilation for everyone in the northern hemisphere within the hour, nuclear winter for all. For starters, no more food supplies to say nothing of medical services or phone service (which would be the greatest tragedy of all for many among us).

    How absurd we humans are, the blind leading the blind!

    I never was able to relax in Alaska because of the grizzly bears! Not totally true but almost!

    Dale

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  4. chrisja70778e85b8abd's avatar chrisja70778e85b8abd says:

    Hi David

    This is one that plays on fear in a big unsettling way. Great image of the class clown in the nukes drill with is arms extended, saying, “I’m glowing.”

    Then comes the really sinister “Bear Drill.” My mind skipped right to an active shooter. The class clown being quiet showed how dangerous the situation was. A terrific piece!

    Christopher

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  5. David

    Leila again–I recall that there are wild animal alerts in Alaskan schools that are along the wild frontier. Dick Pronnecke land if you remember the brilliant PBS show.

    Mainly for Bears, but also for Moose who tend to get a bit nasty in rutting season! No bouquets of posies for Lady Mooses.

    Leila

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