(first published in Potato Soup Journal, July 5th, 2021)
(Ed Note–We hope you have enjoyed Michael’s return this week. We always do ourselves!–LA)
At first when I died, it was rather predictable. Beginning with that out-of-body-experience thing: I’m hovering, up near the ceiling, in the local Accident & Emergency Department, looking down on a rather battered and splattered me, plus an attendant nurse and junior doctor. Then it’s the dark-tunnel thingy, with a wee pin-prick of light that’s starting to get bigger and brighter, and bigger and brighter.
And then…. Pop! I’m in a largish, empty room with white walls. Now it starts to get different…
The white door opens and Leonard Cohen comes in. He consults his clipboard: ‘Hello, erm, Malcolm Barnstable? Welcome to the First Circle; I’m your guide. My name’s Cohen, Leonard Cohen. According to my records here, you were run over by a herd of dairy cows. We don’t get many of those.’
It took me a second or two to gather my wits. ‘Got you now: it’s Dante’s First Circle of Hell, for all those nice pagans. And you’re the stand-in guide for Virgil, as a fellow poet?’
‘That’s pretty much it, Malcolm. Call me Leonard, why dontcha? Virgil’s still knocking about. But, with the numbers coming in these days, he’s needing a helping hand. So Percy and I now do the English speakers.
‘Percy?’
‘Yeah, Percy Shelley. “My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings,” and all that.’
‘I see. Er, you’re not wearing laurel leaves on your brow?’
‘Nope, no leaves. They were offered, but I prefer the fedora – it’s kind of a trademark. But Percy wears the old laurel leaves. He said it was either that or some seaweed. You’re stuck with me because you’re down in the records as “agnostic.” If you’d been signed up as “atheist,” you’d ‘ve got Percy. You want your tour just now? Or would you like a spot of nectar first?’
I settled for the nectar, which I could definitely develop a taste for. As tactfully as I could, I asked about Leonard’s co-habitation of the Agnostic First Circle.
‘Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s true that, strictly speaking, I’m a Jewish Zen Buddhist, but that’s a pretty small constituency. And you might say that agnosticism is a central tenet of Zen Buddhist practice. Though if you had the inclination, I could nit-pick that one with you. After all, you’ll find you have plenty of time here for long discussions of abstract…’
And then: Woah! Oooff! Ouch! Suddenly, I’m back in Accident & Emergency.
Biography:
Michael Bloor lives in Dunblane, Scotland, where he has discovered the exhilaration of short fiction, with more than a hundred pieces published in Literally Stories, Everyday Fiction, The Copperfield Review, Litro Online, Firewords, The Drabble, The Cabinet of Heed, Moonpark Review and elsewhere (see https://michaelbloor.com).
Saragun Springs 
Hi Mick
I forgot to comment! I love the idea of meeting LC on the other side. It would be a bit of a come down I think to be stuck in the hospital. Then again, a bit of an advanced look is never a bad thing.
Excellent week again!
Leila
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Thanks. I’ve enjoyed these daily happenings – mick
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Hi Mick
I love what you’ve done with Leonard here, he seems like himself! And Percy as well. He’s a background character here, but his presence feels just as strong as the other characters, somehow. I believe that’s a function of a way with the telling detail. Nice job! Some truly interesting pieces this week. One thing I’m impressed with looking back is their variety. I’m glad these were resurrected.
Dale
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Dale, your daily comments have been much appreciated. But I’m more glad about all this than you are! with best wishes, mick
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Mick – Don’t know, but you may be pioneering a new genre – fun and entertaining deaths. I want to ask Elvis, Mickey Mantle, Bill Cosby, and OJ Simpson why when they had it all they blew it.
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Thanks Doug and Leila, for myself, I’m not sure I’d want to meet any your guys who crashed and burned. I do understand your curiosity: I think I previously posted that I’d like to ask Archduke Franz Ferdinand why he thought it was a good idea to ride around Sarajevo in an open carriage. But that’s a bit different because when the archduke crashed and burned he took millions of people down with him.
When I finally topple off my perch, and if there’s an opportunity of an audience with the ex-archduke, I’ll certainly ask him. I expect he’s feeling a bit sheepish about it all.
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Yes Franz also got the Missus killed. It amazes that one act led to both World Wars (I believe that the Amristice only paused one conflict) and killed untold millions. History is full of foolish travel plans. I do not understand JFK’s arrogance. The man made himself unbelievably easy to pick off. The result didn’t lead to a World War but it was ridiculously unecessary. If Ferdinand hadn’been killed The Great War would have happened another way. By then it appeared inevitable.
Leila
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Doug
(Don’t mean to horn in, Mick)
I agree with your list, except Mantle. Alcoholism is a disease and there was a bunch of cancer in his family as well–not saying he couldn’t have done better, but it was an uphill struggle from what I see. Could make a case of CTE with OJ, regardless, he was guilty as hell. Cosby is the one that befuddles me. He had everyone fooled, including me. Jello’s biggest mistake that con. What a pig–I cannot even think of anything he could use to defend his actions.
Oh, and Elvis, well, I am not sure if anyone could have done that gig better. It must have been insane. Then again, the Beatles seem/seemed to be/been relatively normal–Harrison especially.
Leila
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Leila – Mantle was sort of an idol in my youth. What I’ve read about him doesn’t sound good. He abused his talents wrecklessly (He thought he would die young – some of his family did from the poisoned land in Oklahoma). He cheated sexually as much has he could and according to one report he finally looked for help when he worried he couldn’t get it up anymore.
Great talents all. Whether OJ was guilty or not is questionable, but they all hurt themselves.
I didn’t even mention other magicians – Jim Morrison, Jimmie Hendricks.
Indeed Elvis was unique. Saw him 1957, 1972. Thought I would in another 15 years. Ha ha. Part of his demise was genetics, but tons of drugs and too much food didn’t help. Since I collect a lot of music. I reject the cultural appropriate charge. I’ve heard his version and the originals. His were better.
Mirthless Doug
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Musicians. Where is my proofreader? Probably not the first, but Hank Williams is in a long line of musicians who bought it early.
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Hi Doug
Yep, the King went way over the top. But he is rock solid normal compared to Michael Jackson. Even without the perv accusations he might be the weirdest celeb ever. And that takes doing.
Leila
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Not sure of the name, something like Le Pedomane, a French guy that farted toons. Stranger than that?
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Ha!
Well strangest I have ever heard off, I should say.
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Tunes dammit. Now farting cartoons, well I don’t know what to think.
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Leila, you make a good point about history being ‘full of foolish travel plans,’ which indeed would seem to make The Great War inevitable, sooner or later – there will always be slip-ups. I’ve heard it said that WWI paused the growth of socialist power in the UK, France and Germany dead in its tracks. Instead, it led to the seizure of socialist power in Russia, the most ungovernable state of them all. We’ll never know if it all might’ve panned out differently. And why make the archduke the fall guy, why not blame the obstetrician who was at the birth of the kaiser, who ended up with a withered arm and an inferiority complex? Or Napoleon III, who foolishly lost Alsace & Lorraine to Germany and left the french smarting for revenge.
Hey ho.
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Mick
Indeed! I really can’t decide, but it has always seemed to me that some things (good and rotten) are goingvto happen regardless of the details. But if I were a leader nothing less than an armored car would do!
Leila
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