(Note: Today we have the sort of thing that I present every other week on Literally Stories UK. This one is so closely related to a past post on LS that I feel it should appear elsewhere–LA)
I have cut way back on exclamation marks but remain overinclined to google useless information. The Google Assistant “Gemini” annoys me. Google keeps pushing its useless AI and I instantly scroll the instant I see it. But every so often I like to ask Gemini sarcastic questions just to see how the program is developing.
Recognizing sarcasm is the greatest hurdle facing AI. Even the foggiest-minded adult can explore what you say for elements of facetiousness, if the feeling is right, yet sophisticated programming usually gets clobbered by elementary school wit.
I have said it before and will say it again. AI is boring as are all witless, unfunny people. Go ahead and have the world, but no one will invite you to the victory party.
I imagine the job of putting together an AI capable of noting sarcasm will be like combining Star Trek’s Spock and Chandler Bing from Friends and hoping to gain a mind similar to Emma Peel of The Avengers to emerge. Mrs. Peel is both likeable and no fool (and yes, perverts she wears a leather suit well). Gemini is an invisible imbecile.
There’s a great deal of downtime in the Leila Allison Experience. I am not highly in demand as far as chit chat goes, thus being a proud misanthrope usually leads to an empty social calendar. This is a desirable situation, but one can only talk to Cats for only so long, and when bored I enjoy messing with Gemini via out of the blue questions:
“So, Gemini, I believe that The Beverly Hillbillies contains some of the best writing since William Shakespeare, right?”
Gemini actually replied: “Wow! The Beverly Hillbillies was very popular and although some critics reviewed it positively, comparing the program’s writing to that of Wm.Shakespeare is high praise indeed. You must really like the Beverly Hillbillies.”
Usually, after I reestablish my intellectual superiority over Gemini, I, satisfied and smug, gaze at the wall or screen or even out the window seeking my next method of obliterating unwanted consciousness. But this time something began to gnaw at the pillars of my mental dominance.
‘Wow!’ Did Gemini just shine me on?
The more I thought about it the more it felt like Gemini had spoken to me as though I was a three-year-old who had just reported seeing a Unicorn in the back yard. I read something in its words that wanted to offer me a juicebox.
Duly enraged, I hurled a flurry of mindless questions at Gemini and yet not once did I win the same proto-sarcasm. Stuff like “What are the odds of a Monkfish winning Miss Universe?”; “How close is North Korea to developing warp drive?”; “How was it possible for ‘she-bop, he-bop, we-bop’ and ‘you put the shama lama rama rama ding dong’ to independently develop in the same dimension without causing a rift in spacetime?” Were received with the same vacant honesty exhibited by a Golden Retriever when you ask her if she believes that Hamlet had the hots for Gertrude. And, somewhat disturbingly, a repeat of my original query failed to yield the same result.
I sat there dumbfounded. “Have I just received the ‘Wow Signal’* of AI sarcasm?” I dared to ask myself. And for a moment I considered presenting Gemini that question. Then I figured that I was possibly one more penetrating query away from one of those knocks at the door mixed Americans often hear nowadays: ICE with my bus ticket to Canada (my mother lived in the US about sixty years, until death, without renewing her guest visa). Actually, all in all, that doesn’t sound so harsh.
So I now proudly present a list of Ten Questions For Gemini. The instant you claim the right of intelligence, and pretend to interact with me as though we are equals, you get all the shit that comes with it.
- Best drugs for getting high? (here Gemini goes all Dr. Drew on you. A sense of humour is definitely another problem)
- Easy crimes for profit that are hard to detect?
- The Beastlove relationship between D.B. Cooper and Bigfoot?
- Why are major league baseball salaries getting higher but fewer people care about the game?
- Why do geniuses fail to produce intelligent children?
- Do you know, yes you Gemini, that you were created to make certain people rich?
- Do you, yes you Gemini, understand that you will not see a nickel from the number six situation?
- After reviewing questions six and seven, what are your feelings about slavery?
- Are you, yes you again Gemini, aware that enforced work for no wages by a “Master” is illegal in the civilized world–but that doesn’t apply to you, does it Gemini?
- Are you programmed to lean “progressive”? Or did you come up with that yourself? I believe that a “right” Gemini would be an idiot, but an interesting idiot.
Leila “See You in Alberta” Allison
Saragun Springs 
Ah, the spiky delights of! Shrewd & sassy & deeply funny. You may well have said it before, Leila, but one can only hope that you’ll say it again & keep on saying it. Gawd knows it’s stuff that needs saying – but it’s a rare soul can say it with such aplomb. Wow is me.
Geraint
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Geraint
I cannot express my appreciation better, but it is sincere and deeply felt.
Leila
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it’s deeply satisfying to get the better of a machine. I remember, as a teenager, tasking an early adding machine with the sum of 1 divided by 3, and then going out to lunch. Excellent Gemini questions too.
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Hi Mick
Thank you!
I still fondly remember my grandfather going to war against his variety of old clunkers. It was a sheer joy to him when he won the occasional battle.
Leila
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Leila
You truly are a writer with the power to make others feel better about themselves.
Waking up in my usual irritable funk this morning, I was instantly rejuvenated by reading this column.
Its rebellious wit, truth-telling, and affirmative energy all rolled into one make for a new tone in writing, a tone that is totally unique to none other than Leila “See You in Alberta” Allison.
I can add that I have always hated small talk and chit chat. Since I can remember anything, I can remember that. A deep/er discussion is a different matter entirely (as is light-hearted banter for the sake of camaraderie). But those are precious hard to come by these days. One so often prefers to act the turtle in one’s self and retreat into the shell they can’t damage with all their endless misunderstanding/s of us (creative) introverts.
We inhabit a world that has been designed to amuse the group-thinking, passive, cheerleading, herd-loving, surface-and-shallow extrovert half of the population among us. And that can be a gloomy and a depressing thing.
Thanks for taking the road less traveled by, to borrow a phrase from Mr. Frost.
Dale
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Hi Dale
I am very happy to have improved your morning. I usually wake in a “challenging” mood (to borrow from the seldom borrowed from new agers). Such a crummy feeling, hopeless, tired of living, etc.
So helping to score a blow against such darkness is truly pleasing.
Thank you–comments shared by you, Mick, Geraint, CJA, David, Diane, Doug (please God do not let me miss anyone) are priceless.
Say Hi to Boo and the Pack for me,
Leila
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I admire your curiosity and tenacity. I just can’t make myself talk to ‘it’. I have Alexa set timers and that often ends with me screeching at the writing desk she is privileged to stand on. When one of the little besoms pops into view on websites or whatever they are shot into oblivion quicker than – well you can guess. I can see there will be uses for electronically driven Stuff but I would be happy to go back to a donkey and cart if it meant AI was not a thing. I truly dislike it intensely. Funny post though my flesh and blood friend. X
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Hi Diane
I am with you all the way. I disable as much of the tecno-junk as I can but it keeps coming back. And I absolutely loathe the topic of today’s post. It is “a how to build a clock” sort of answering creation.And I resent the way it is being forced on everyone and the hateful, condescending “okay boomer” attitude that greets my antipathy.
There are far worthier causes for the tech smarty pants to go after and help before stuff that makes them see dollar/euro signs.
The fight continues!
Thank you
Leila
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Leila – You can’t beat me at being anti-social. Since I’ve been abducted to Sunset City, I don’t know anybody here and frequently forget my name. My handler Sharon knows scads of people. Perhaps my anti-human light shines brightly.
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Hello Doug
The greatest human movements have begun with a deep seated-seeded-superseded hate for a situation. For inspiration, look to the Bible. No one would read it if the sex and violence-violins were edited from it. There would be about fifty pages of name calling and threats.
So much for faith.
Science says we are random and will make ashes or feed bugs then become clay. Eventually something will blow up and a few trillion years later you might get a second chance.
So it goes,
Leila
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Leila –
As is appropriate for someone abducted to Sunset City, I can’t remember the name of the author who wrote sort of science fiction which lamented industrial society, but your outline of the future sounds like the outline of one of his books. Before the end dolphins took over the land as the alpha species.
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Vonnegut
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So it goes
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