(Cool images provided by DWB)
(Co-Ed note–We once again proudly present another high quality and brilliant “fictional essay” by Co-Editor Dr. Dale Williams Barrigar. This is extra special because it makes its world debut, right about…now!–LA)
“Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” – Hemingway
DISCLAIMER: The advice in this essay isn’t for everyone.
It’s up to the Reader to decide whether you’re one of those this was meant for, directly, indirectly, or not at all.
Part One.
In private notes that were discovered and released after his death, the great psychologist Carl Jung pointed out that there are two ways of consuming drugs, i.e. (in this case) illegal substances, or alcohol (a hardcore drug if there ever was one).
The first way involves bombing out your mind, becoming numb, killing your spirit, getting wasted, forgetting about life, escaping your responsibilities as a human among humans and other living things, and so forth.
This is the mode that gets all the press in the modern US, even with (or especially with) two revered comedians such as Mr. Cheech and Mr. Chong.
But the second way, much less popular and much less talked about and much less believed in, too, is much different.
And the second way can be called the true way.
The second way is the way of the shaman, the way of the mystical monk or nun, the way of the spiritual seeker.
The second way was and is the way which can be symbolized by seven representative American writers (at their best, only at their best), none of whom died shockingly young from drugs or anything else, except Kerouac (at 47): William S. Burroughs, Allen Ginsberg, Jack Kerouac, Ken Kesey, Charles Bukowski, Hunter S. Thompson, and Bob Dylan (among many other heroes).
The first way involves deadening yourself – putting yourself to sleep.
The second, much less popular way, involves a search for enlightenment, the seeking after an awakening, the belief in greater human possibilities of the imagination, the longing for unity, the knowledge that deliberately changing your consciousness (temporarily) (and being out on the edge) can lead to a change for the better in Consciousness – permanently; when done right (only when done right).
In this formulation, for example, and which I can very much attest to personally, the use of marijuana can make you feel two ways.
One: tuned out, drugged out, apathetic, tired and with the munchies.
Two: Awakened, heightened, more alive, more ambitious, more energized, more open, more adventurous, more bold, more spiritually attuned at every level, hungry for more life and not just mere food.
This essay is about pursuing the use of drugs for the second mode.
It should surprise none of us that in America, Land of the Vulgar, the first, bad way of using weed (and other substances) is the one that gets all the press.
After all, we’re also the ones who proudly elect the worst (or best) snake oil salesman in history to be our supreme leader.
But there is, as Carl Jung pointed out, another way, a way Jung secretly called (knowing it would be released later) “sacred pharmacology.”
A way that, despite its sacredness, or because of it, can very much get you in big trouble or even “ruin your career” (which is one massive reason why Jung never released his research on drug use while he lived; he saw what had happened to Freud and cocaine and had the same rational self-protective instincts of a Galileo, or anyone in their right mind).
Part Two.
In another essay, as a sequel to this one, I will list and briefly discuss the first time I ever tried every drug I’ve ever done and where I was when that happened and who I was with (if I was with anyone), starting with coffee and ending with magic mushrooms, sometimes known as psilocybin, which are being widely tested now by Western science for their medicinal properties. (They can also have properties that feel the very opposite of medicinal, depending on your mood, take it from humble yours truly, and still known today among the youth of America as “a bad trip.”) Warning: discussions of hard drugs like crack cocaine, cocaine, LSD and certain opioids (no needles) will be included in this future essay.
Needles will not be included because I’ve never used needles. I’ve never used needles because all my experiments have been deliberate, and even careful, if it’s possible to use something like LSD or crack cocaine in a careful way (and, at least partly, it is possible, say I).
I won’t talk about alcohol in this list, which is the drug I have the most lifelong experience/s with, by far. (This topic is and will be further covered in greater detail in other essays.)
I also won’t talk about (for the most part) prescription drugs like Depakote and other bipolar medications which have been a big part of my life since 2015, since they aren’t generally what are known as “recreational” drugs (although there can be some serious cross-over here with things like Gabapentin and benzodiazepines).
And the term recreational, for me, is a big part of the problem.
When I use drugs, it is never for recreation at all, just as I never take vacations.
Whenever I travel anywhere, even if it’s just down to the corner again, I think of it as a small journey that’s part of the long journey of life itself – not a vacation.
I’m 58 now (born in 1967, three months before the Summer of Love).
I’ve done so many drugs in my life that I’m sure I’ll be forgetting a few of them, despite the list I’ve made ahead of time by hand before I type it whenever that happens.
This essay doesn’t talk much about ADDICTION, either, which is a separate topic, and one of the possibilities when you play with fire.
But, again, it’s possible to play with fire in a careful way and it’s possible to play with fire in a reckless way that isn’t careful at all.
There is nothing in this world that isn’t dangerous, even traveling down to the corner, even taking a shower, even boiling water for tea (or especially all of the above).
You avoid the danger as much as you can but NEVER to the point where your life is paralyzed (or even well-nigh nonexistent) with fear.
Because we are given life by the Universe (for me it’s God) in order to live life and not living life (in a genuine and authentic way where you actually try, or Don’t Try, as Bukowski said, which amounts to the same thing) is the greatest sin of all.
Sometimes quality is more important than quantity, too.
What good is it if you live to be a hundred and ten and were one of the most boring people to ever walk the Planet, even (or especially) to yourself?
If you already have visionary or artistic tendencies (often but not always the same thing), taking drugs sometimes, in the right way, can enhance your visions, especially in the middle of this sickeningly over-civilized, overly-tame, overly-sheltered, overly-comfortable (for far too many of us) world we’ve created.
Drugs actually aren’t The Way but they can be a ticket to the way just like Dr. Hunter S. Thompson claimed they could be.
He was right about Nixon, he was right about the death of the American Dream, and he’s right about this, too.
Enhanced visions lead to spiritual expansions and augmented consciousnesses (plural) within yourself, and greater imagination, memory, and intelligence, too – not just the munchies.
And the dizziness of having your worldview turned upside down in an instant can be liberating, especially when it happens frequently.
The effect/s are cumulative, for the most part; and it’s a process, a road, a path, a way, not a destination: and getting stuck in a rut is to be avoided whenever you can.
Part Three.
I started attending Wheaton Central High School in Wheaton, Illinois, USA, almost exactly five months after John Belushi, the great comedian and actor, died.
It was Belushi’s high school and it sometimes seemed like his name and even his picture were everywhere in the halls.
And we were lost suburban teenagers of the Ronnie Raygun 1980s who looked to Belushi as a hero not because he was funny or because he died of a drug overdose (with needles) at the Christological age of 33, but because he was a rebellious spirit at his core.
As one of the Blues Brothers, at least half the time he wasn’t funny at all (very much on purpose), but he was never not a rebel.
It was as if we were trying to resurrect the rebel spirit of the 1960s without even knowing we were doing so, and experimentation with drugs and alcohol were a huge part of all that.
Living with a purpose (if undefined so far), driving hard until you were out on the edge (and then hopefully reining yourself in), and making an impression on all the conformist dolts crowding our world (no matter their age or status otherwise) were all the name of the game.
It takes a Houdini-like delicacy and balance, the strength and fortitude of Hercules, the wisdom of Athena, the fearlessness of Achilles and the alertness of Odysseus.
And we learned that if you try hard enough without trying you can turn yourself into none other than a Chosen One.
Saragun Springs 
Dale
Like Jung and Twain, everyone who has an idea should leave a “time bomb” to be opened after they have safely left the party!
I was a very good kid even though I was surrounded by alcoholism full time. To be honest, none of the boozers (except one) were at all dangerous (even the exception was never dangerous toward me). In fact liquor greatly improved their personalities. Booze and smoking I figured were just things you did when you were grown up. Lots of kids were in a hurry to grow up, but I already had an idea about the Awful Truth–I knew that you could not stay up as long as you wanted and eat candy for dinner without something going wrong. If not, then why didn’t everyone do it? A year after leaving school I was drinking, drugging and smoking like a veteran.
Your parts in this essay are thought provoking and the whole thing shapes up to be very true. Mr. Burroughs was on daily methadone from age 67 to 83 and it did not kill him. I believe that everyone who knows better about addictions and “recovery” (as they do and do not pertain to them) should take methadone from retirement age until the day when God rolls the credits because you do not need to play roulette with what is in the needle or fake, or oversell pain at the doctor’s office. No facetious remarks here. I manage to conceal various addictions and remained employed for almost fifty years. Now that I have retired, I too have made friends with the staff at the local “cherry syrup” dispensary (which one has finally opened in this goddam town). I see them five mornings a week and bring home carries on Friday (this coming morning!) It makes me happy; it shoos the crisp agonies of age and the dull thuds of reality. Take a look around, how many smiling faces do you see?
Although I love booze, I have had to depart from the drunk world because it is easily the most dangerous one we have. I used to drink to black out on purpose. I rather liked that. It killed the pain. But not remembering sort of made it a waste of money. I prefer some level of consciousness when undertaking a voyage.
I suppose that both you and I can be accused of being too light hearted about the topic. But I think almost anything can be amusing, and I know you will learn a whole lot more about life talking to a fellow at a methadone clinic than you will from an Osmond bringing the nonsense of Salt Lick Shitty to your door. (I notice that they have begun shooting people lately.)
I also believe that using aids the creative process in that it is closely related to the creation of new ways of thinking. But it is only a small part because all that is needed is the experience, it needn’t be active to be felt. And it must be stated that it is also a selfish thing, but, it can be used to improve yourself. As an example, you appear to have found the balance and I congratulate you on that.
Wonderful work here!
Leila
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Leila
Wow! Thanks for sharing this info. I absolutely agree with you that milder opioids or opioid-like substances in a controlled form can be and are generally much safer than knocking back a bunch of booze is (better on the blood pressure, for one thing). And I absolutely admire your imaginative, yet “safely” controlled, experiments with this. And I applaud your bravery and original, independent thinking, as well! This essay is written for all seekers but as with all the pieces this week, the original audience is you and you did not disappoint in your reaction/s to this. The fatherly instinct in me (which is very strong) wants to tell you to be careful, but since I know you already are being careful I’ll refrain from doing so!
There is a “playing with fire” element involved, too (that’s what makes it interesting), but Burroughs was surely right, a little methadone is definitely safer, and more productive, than a lot of alcohol, probably especially in later years, too. And if it reduces stress AND produces pleasure and something to look forward to as part of the journey, these are probably two elements that make it, if not exactly “healthy,” at least life-enhancing, which is even more important than healthy, and leads to being healthy without effort (“Don’t Try”)!
So thanks for sharing and thanks for being you!
Dale
PS
The smoke in the picture is authentic fire of the gods Ganja bong-produced stuff…
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Hi Dale
Thank you. At 66 I figure I am on the house’s money.
I aver using if happiness is impossible. There are people crouching, ready to leap on those who feel that using these kinds of drugs to feel better (even at the price of addiction) is permissable. I do not go around shouting such, nor have I arrived at my feelings without a great deal of experience.
Such people are quick to jump for reasons that to me stink of ego.
They all know a nephew who shot fake fentynol or has a lush mother.
I tell them to fuck off. I know about pain; great pain, and I feel that stating such things supposedly for the benefit of others yet really for the purpose of sunning your ego is a cheap and shitty thing to do.
We all suffer. But that doesn’t mean we cannot do it with class.
Anyway, life is about getting on with it. The curtain will fall soon enough and for too long!
Thank you!
Leila
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Leila
The persons you’re referencing who live in glass houses and throw stones all seem to be wonderful at condemning things they aren’t familiar with or condemnatory about anything that pushes it further than they themselves are able to, or are willing to, or both.
Also: there are always exceptions to ALL rules.
And: when I look back on it, I realize that most often the people who are the most judgmental about these things are SURELY the ones who have the least experience with it.
Still, I say BE CAREFUL AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, not because you’re doing what you’re doing but just because I would say that anyway.
(But I think the clinics are safer than lots of unrestrained alcohol for the record, with much less worse hangovers because of it, in my experience, and for that reason alone (among others) leading to greater productivity than with alcohol, by far.)
Also, anybody who can write like you can must obviously be doing not one but many, many myriads of things right, since writing at your levels is a life thing, a balancing act, a path in life, a way of being, and a mode of Consciousness that calls for being really WIDE AWAKE overall! And that can lead to a kind of secular (and maybe even a full-on divine eventually) resurrection.
Thank you!
Dale
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Hi Dale
I do appreciate all concerns that drift (pun intended!) my way from people like yourself!
I blackstick the ones who refuse to further their understandings of moral and ethical concepts after the age of ten.
My thoughts are simple yet direct. If you mean to drink, smoke weed, take pills, whatever, then do so. But that doesn’t give you the right to become a problem for another person. It is all a matter of accountability, except for childrem whom we are supposed to look out for.
You seem like a very good father and deserve praise (granted this is gleaned from a very small sample of information, but it feels true). I recall reading the statements parents of some of the victims of Green River Killer made to him at the end of his trial. He was/is a monster, but I had to wonder why these moms and dads did not accept responsibility for letting their girls fall into drugs, prositution and ultimately shallow graves, and never reported the children missing after years had gine by In almost every case the girl died under five miles away from home. It baffled me then and still does.
Leila
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Leila
I would drop everything and run to your side tomorrow if you asked me to, that’s how concerned about you I am! And thank you for calling me a good father, I do believe I’ve managed to achieve the title and I do believe the twins would back me up on this. I ain’t perfect like any of us but I’ve always stayed close, never abandoned them, and always helped take care of them, including changing endless diapers and giving endless bottles when they were babies. For some reason I’ve been blessed with my children and there hasn’t been that inability to talk with them or connect with them that some fathers have. On the contrary, I talk with them and hang out with them more than I do with anyone, except Boo, but the truth is, he doesn’t really talk much, except in his own Dog way. They do talk, very much so.
And these kids are smart. At 18 a piece, each of them is FAR, far, far smarter than the adults around here. They are smart, and they are artists. Of course, both of those things mean trouble ahead in many ways, but at least not boring trouble.
Thank you!
Dale
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Thank you Dale
I am someone who is never lonely. I like contact with people who have ideas and humour. People who know a lot but, who like yourself, are aware that learning is never completed.
That is the best possible relationship you have with the twins. Most people I know are either too afraid to deal with their adult children and/or have forgotten what it waa to be young.
Now, Boo (and the others in the monochrome gang) understands the importance of life. The joy shines in his eyes.
Take care!
Leila
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Hi Dale
Quite the compelling essay!
I like Jung’s classification of drug use. To me he is more mysterious than Freud. His name incites a sort of mystic.
Cleaver how Jung learned from Freud’s hit with cocaine.
One of my first realizations that drug use was related to spiritualism came from watching, “Young Guns.” The scene where they fall off into hallucinations. “The Doors” is even more enlightening.
Hippies from the 60s had a better handle on drugs. The intended purpose of them from ancient cultures… Before this so-called war on drugs.
Interesting these two views of “The wasted and the enlightened.” Escapism vs Seeking.
“Land of the vulgar” deeply defines this place. The leader of the free world, Ha!
That would be an awesome thing to go to John Belushi’s high school!
I wish John could have lived, and we could have seen him take on dramatic roles like Robin Williams, and Adam Sandler have. Comedians of this magnitude transform into terrific dramatic actors. I think John could have done anything.
Christopher
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Christopher
Yes, Freud is a ground breaker and a great genius and writer, but Jung somehow seems more “final” somehow (and therefore less of his own time), because of the way he pushed it further with spirituality and things of the spirit than Freud did. Each thinker or artist at any level does what they can with what they’re given, and Jung has that element about him that is almost (or is) religious, and religion is the thing that deals with first and last things. It gives him the aura of mysteriousness Mr. Sigmund may be lacking.
Yes about Belushi too! He surely would’ve evolved and was headed for a change. For me this can be seen most in the way he refused to be funny for most of The Blues Brothers. Not that he wasn’t sometimes funny in The Blues Brothers – but most of the time he was refusing to be, which was better!
I’m not finished with this topic by a long stretch. I have an essay in progress about the horrors of withdrawal and addiction. I wish to tell the whole tale with great truth from many different perspectives. Then I’ll circle around and write more about alcohol again, that’s the plan, anyway!
Thanks for engaging with this material!
More later…
Dale
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Your essays never fail to create a sense of rapport with the reader – irrespective of subject covered. When it comes to all things alconarco, I’ve too little patience with those who romanticise the notion – an impatience stemming, predictably enough, from having once been all too drenched in the romance. No such posturing in your essay; no rogueish wink from behind the scenes, no sporting some badge of honour. As even-handed an appraisal as I’ve ever read, deeply perceptive, restrained & compelling. Funnily enough (though I’m not laughing), it’s exactly 19 years since I went cold turkey on the 7 drugs that had kept me going for 3 decades i.e. heroin, methadone, benzos, MDMA, amphetamine, Zopiclone & alcohol. Since then, several lapses – as opposed to relapses. These days, a little weed & far too many cigarettes – the one habit I’ve never managed to break; in fact I barely remember life B.C. – Before Cigarettes, as I’ve been puffing away since age 9. I did also have a crack-cocaine habit for about a year – & as you’ll know, that’s the drug brings out the worst in people. Then again, that said, I do remember my first using it & the sensation I had of inhaling distilled essence of paranoia followed by exhaling ten buddhas of calm. As for the ‘spiritual’ dimension to psychedelics (Jung’s “sacred pharmacology”) I personally do not doubt their efficacy in opening those doors – many of them leading to gardens from which one might reemerge a little wiser. I wish I could say as much for my own use of them. I too often stepped into their famed Hell – from which I returned more gibberingly incoherent than when I’d gone in. I did, however, write a few Works of Genius while tripping – the kind of stories, novellas that took longer to read than they did to write, every one of them being a Radical Departure From the Limits of Language or some such – which is to say, no fucker, including myself, could understand a word of them.
Looking forward to reading further instalments Dale – whatever the subject.
Excellent photograph by the way.
Geraint
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Quibble – I’ve always seen “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” attributed Friedrich Nietzsche, and it is wrong. Being in an iron lung, or being a multiple amputee does not make you stronger. While understanding the thinking in the saying, it is clearly inaccurate.
Hemmingway may said it, but not first.
Mirthless Mild Doper
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Hi Doug!
The first point is that the quotation is used by many of us as encouragement to go on no matter what circumstances we need to face. It isn’t meant to be taken LITERALLY, it’s meant to be taken metaphorically, symbolically, and is a figure of speech. Having said that, if one thinks about spiritual growth, the quote might even be literally true in some cases, too.
Secondly, yes. I was aware that this quote is not taken from Hemingway’s writings directly, but is something he said to real people while sitting around in bars. It’s a folk saying, repeated by many of us, not least Ernie. Therefore, he did very much say so. He just didn’t invent it. But I never said it was original with him. All I said is, he said it. And I do believe he said it: many times. I use him almost as a fictional character just like everything in my writings.
Symbolism and indirect attribution are ways of quoting, too, and for the record some of the quotations I use in my writings are even invented by me and attributed to famous people if they’ve been dead for more than 100 years.
That’s why they’re called fictional essays (or one reason)! Thanks for giving me a chance to explain myself…
Dale
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Hi Doug!
The first point is that the quotation is used by many of us as encouragement to go on no matter what circumstances we need to face. It isn’t meant to be taken LITERALLY, it’s meant to be taken metaphorically, symbolically, and is a figure of speech. Having said that, if one thinks about spiritual growth, the quote might even be literally true in some cases, too.
Secondly, yes. I was aware that this quote is not taken from Hemingway’s writings directly, but is something he said to real people while sitting around in bars. It’s a folk saying, repeated by many of us, not least Ernie. Therefore, he did very much say so. He just didn’t invent it. But I never said it was original with him. All I said is, he said it. And I do believe he said it: many times. I use him almost as a fictional character just like everything in my writings.
Symbolism and indirect attribution are ways of quoting, too, and for the record some of the quotations I use in my writings are even invented by me and attributed to famous people if they’ve been dead for more than 100 years.
That’s why they’re called fictional essays (or one reason)! Thanks for giving me a chance to explain myself…
Dale
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Just about the most thoughtful & clear-headed essay on intoxicants – cultural & chemical – as I’ve ever read. The writers you mention, no matter what or how much they ingested, imbibed, it was always with one eye on the outcome. As Ginsberg somewhere pointed out: it’s what you do with it the next day, that’s what matters. Your essays have about them the qualities that make for the best kind of conversation, & that makes for a sense of rapport.
Geraint
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