(Ed. note– Today and tomorrow we will share columns written by two members of the Springs for our daily paper The Saragun Gazette. These little columns are obviously inpsired by the Drifter who appears on this site every Sunday.
Today we present the first Gazette column written by the late Judge Jasper P. Montague, Quillemender. The Judge is my Great Great Great Great Grandfather (1810-1902). Since 1902 he has been a Spirit who never lets anyone forget it. The Judge “resides” in a gold gilt presentation gavel, which was given to him after nearly seventy years on the bench in Wiccanfire County, Massachusetts. Versatur Circa Quid was inscribed on it by his peers. Allegedly it is Latin for “what comes round goes round” and is the name of the Judge’s literary contribution to journalism. You will notice he uses the phrase aplenty and then some. Although some might not be pleased to be summed up by such a vague sentiment, it appeals to the Judge. –Leila)
Versatur Circa Quid! (A Staggeringly Brilliant Guide to the Spirit Community of Saragun Springs)
By Judge Jasper P. Montague, Quillemender
Versatur Circa Quid! breathers!
This week I shall opine and inform my readership on the subject of the humble Footfallfollower–commonly known as the 3F. He is a maligned Spirit accused of having a surfeit of laziness and a stunning shortage of gumption, style, wit and imagination.
The biggest problem facing the 3F is the accusations are true. Sadly, everything that lives becomes a ghost equal to the task of death as they were of use in life. Therefore it should not shock anyone to learn that the only thing the 3F’s have going for them is the largest Spirit population. Naturally this is because most people are painfully stupid.
Versatur Circa Quid!
Regardless, the first and last that 3F’s do is create an extra footfall inside cemeteries. You walk along, stop and you hear one extra step. Nothing else happens. Moreover such is seldom noticed. It would be base canard to describe another Spirit as having such shabby craft. Yet the 3F’s do not care. Leila calls them “the juggalo ghosts.” Upon studying the subject I must agree.
Still, being Spirits I feel obligated to give my priceless charity to the willingly unwashed from time to time. But really, I feel that comparing someone who produces a single extra foot step inside a cemetery to the wonders of, say, a Quillemender, requires more attention be paid to the Quill than the 3F.
Versatur Circa Quid!
Even a Footfollower knows that we Quillemenders reorganize extant written passages, without the original author’s knowledge. We greatly improve letters; via our alchemy pedestrian gibberish is transformed into sterling prose. Thermal dynamics, not insipid incantations, allow us to accomplish our art. But since most of you are obviously 3F timber, I will attempt to impress no further science on you.
You are welcome.
Versatur Circa Quid!
As a Quill, I must constantly evolve with technology. When I started after my decease in 1902, missives were written by hand or with crude typing machines that few dolts could afford let alone master. Books and newspapers, of course, were done by the printing press. Today there is room for legions of Quills to reside in various electronic devices; virtual lettering is ridiculously simple to emend, and proofing (and spelling) seems to be a thing of the past. Unfortunately there’s a shortage of intellects among the living suitable to be a Quillemender, but we the grand few persevere with tarty elan.
Behold! “The secretary told the assembly he was inclined to do a bit of fucking.” An Irish Quill got that jewel into the London Times in the 19th century. It remains a hall of fame bit of Quillemending. And it is the standard we strive to meet today.
Versatur Circa Quid!
Alas and alack, how does adding an extra “clonk” that rarely matches the tone of a footfall compare?
But if you need to meet a common Footfallfollower (perhaps seeking a glimpse of your future), go to any cemetery, walk the stone path, stop and listen. On any given day you will hear single thuds emanating from many graves. But when you wish to seek the inspiring awe and majesty of a Quillemender, revisit certain emails you sent your boss last week prior to your unexpected “downsizing.”
Versatur Circa Quid!
Your Master,
Judge Jasper P. Montague, Quillemender
Saragun Springs 
I often wondered why when I finish writing for the day, I think, What a load of codswallop and then the next day I re-read and think (often not always) ‘actually that’s not bad’ So, – question – is that the Quillemender? dd
LikeLike
Hello again
I misunderstood, the work improves? My my, that’s never happened before–I mean, yes of course, you have a Quill!
Jasper
LikeLike
Hello Fair Diane
Oh indeed, we have been in Europe for centuries and are responsible for several of the inconsistencies in the Bible. ‘Tis best to make friends with your Quill. Leave her/him some gibberish you do not plan to use the same way you might leave seed for the birds. That should protect your work!
Yours in VCQ!
The Judge
LikeLike
Hi Leila
This is mysterious and layered. A powerful intellect at work. I like the evolution of the quill and how these quills are now in the electronic machines. Like a vast army of the collective unconscious, spoken of by Jung.
“Surfeit and base canard” cool language. “A base canard,” I don’t think I’ve ever heard it spoken, except for five minutes ago when I quizzed my ex-wife about it. I like the phrase very much. We are always going over words. She writes them down from stories.
It is “sad how everything becomes a ghost.”
Those lawyers love their Latin, I think to confuse the common folk, or because it was the reigning written language at the time when they wrote on their parchments. “What goes around comes around.” They are right about that.
Quite a thoughtful, comical, and invoking piece!
Christopher
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Christopher.
Thank you! The Judge owes a lot of his vocabulary to “Gomez” of the 60’s series The Addams Family. That’s where “base canard” and others came from. I had to arm him with his own vocabulary because he lived in the 19th century.
Thank you again!
Leila
LikeLiked by 1 person
Irene
The sudden reappearance of The Judge like this is not just a great literary event, but a great event! He has one of the most distinctive voices not just of the literary world, but of the spirit world, a world that inhabits and enlivens the literary one but is much larger than it (and probably much longer-lasting, too).
The Judge’s unexpected popping-out from wherever he hides himself away can only be called “great.” His knowledge of the footfallfollowers and other spirits makes him someone people who breathe need to hear from. He is completely serious, but the hilarity he induces in his readers is second to none, while at the same time his haunting (and his sense of what a haunting is) is REAL. (And by that I mean more real than the so-called “real” world.)
I can’t get over his voice. It’s so vivid he’s far more alive than almost all living people, and way more alive than most dead ones, too. Also, something about him always reminds me of Christmas, which is great, especially at the end of summer when Xmas is so far away…
The D
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hello Dale
Neither the Judge’s self esteem nor his ego need inflation, but he is pleased with you.
The Judge is fun to write but he requires a certain mood. The part about the London Times is true! Read it in Bill Bryson’s “Mother Tongue.” No one got busted so it could have been a Quill.
Mark Twain told of a “Jesus H. Christ ” insertion in his (definitely human) autobography. He would make a fine Quill.
Thank you!
Leila
LikeLike