Wiccan Minions

The Oz Exception: Part Seventeen

(As Told, partly, by the Great HeXopatha)

So many peasants are needlessly afraid of Witches. As long as you do as told and do not become curious about events that do not concern you, all will be well under your tiny thatched rooftops.

And yet from my point on the astral plane, I saw a little Goat in a blue gingham dress, that strange Pigeon that I’d dearly love to collect and two Dogs with more personality than brain power, all bent on interfering with one of my projects. Fortunately, I had a minion embedded amongst them, Professor Moriarty. Black Cats are born into the dark service, no matter “who” thinks they own them.

I magically placed a transponder in “Promo’s” collar, which let my Legion of Lambs know where the imps were at, therefore freeing me from always having to be on the astral plane. Still, it is always good to rattle the bowels of do-gooding seekers. On cue, four carefully hidden Lambs tossed green smoke bombs into the path, and I appeared in the haze.

Alas, not all went as planned, but rest assured I will remedy the situation….

I, Leila, returned to the astral plane and took back the wheel of the narrative because HeXy is loath to recount her backfired attempt at scaring the infidels.

Upon her “incorporation” in the green smoke, both Beezer and Barkevious broke character and ran to her with tails wagging. Not only is there the uncanny resemblance between Renfield (the Boy’s master) and HeXopatha, but their scents, as sniffed by Dogs, apparently, are precisely the same as well.

“I am the Great and Powerful HeXopatha, Hounds–begone and quiver in my mightiness!” she said, but her dismissal would have carried more weight if she hadn’t smiled affectionately, given both  boys pats on the head and milk bones  from a sack concealed in her robe.

“Would you like a glass of water?” Daisy ad libbed, referencing the Wicked Witch of the West’s demise, I guess. Another script  shot to hell.

“No thank you, I’d rather have a house dropped on my head,” Ren–HeXopatha laughed. (Apparently,  whoever she was had guessed the same thing.)

Yes, the scene was officially taking the big swirl into the sewer. And to complete the disaster, Peety went on a bizarre rant: “‘What the fuck happened to the Delta I used to know? Where’s the spirit? Where’s the guts, huh? This could be the greatest night of our lives, but you’re gonna let it be the worst. “Ooh, we’re afraid to go with you Bluto, we might get in trouble.” Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I’m not gonna take this. Wormer, he’s a dead man! Marmalard, dead! Niedermeyer…’ Bluto, Animal House.”

It was long past time to leave the astral plane and hope for a better tomorrow.

End Part Seventeen

The Oz Exception: Part Sixteen

The Oz Exception: Part Sixteen

To keep the adverbs to a minimum, I held the narrative, and affixed a spy cam to Barkevious’ collar so I could watch the adventure unfold and describe it. But he managed to lose the cam about five steps into the journey and all it showed was a stretch of the linoleum road that had been scarred by years of carelessly dropped cigarette butts. Of course, since I had forgotten to place the microphone on anyone, it really didn’t matter.

This minor setback required downing my Faerie Ale boilermaker and chasing it with a small vial of special blend, peyote-infused tequila. This potion allowed me to cast a portion of my consciousness into the astral plane, therefore giving me insight into actions that I could not possibly know anything about. (Yes, I do write this stuff, but the liberal, literal Free Will of my FC’s has yet to produce results equal, or even similar to the written script.) Anyway, it was a hell of a plan B and I wish I had thought it up sooner. (Remember, I too have Saragun Springs’ Free Will.)

Being a cartoon, Peety needs nothing except his magic can of PDQ, being Dogs, Beezer and Barkevious require food every hour or so (or so they claim). So I made certain that there were plenty of caches of Dog food along the way, even though the adventure was slated for only three thousand words of real time. Promo insisted on a catered tuna, which the Baw Bros knew better than to touch. For Daisy, being a Goat, the forest is a great buffet. She began munching on Woakcorns that lay on the portion of the linoleum road that passed through the Woak Grove. Naturally, this infuriated the Woaks.

“Murderer! No regard for our precious children!”

Daisy had heard all this before. Although she was endowed with great charm, there is also something quite steely about her personality. No one can make Daisy cry. Certainly not a tree.

“Funnily funny way to treaty treat your children,” she said. “Leavingly leaving them on the groundly ground.” Then she bit into a Woakcorn. “Ohhh, this one tastes like shatterly shattered floral dreamly dreams.”

Naturally, the Woaks began to pelt her with their “precious children.” Fortunately, Woaks have shitty throwing limbs. They are accurate but speed and distance are lacking. This, of course, is due to a lack of protein in the Woak diet.

Daisy laughed and capered away with a sack full of Woakcorns. (Daisy is all about preparation. She carries empty foraging sacks wherever she goes.)

Then the wholesomely evil image of HeXopatha’s face got in the way of mine on the astral plane. Sometimes that happens, there is no such a thing as an astral plane controller.

“I see you’ve dipped into the peyote again, darling,” she said.

“What are you doing here?” I sighed.

“The same thing you are, just keeping an eye on developments.”

“Well,” I said, “it might be a fine idea to switch the narrative over to the protagonist.”

HeXy smiled.

End Part Sixteen

The Oz Exception: Part Fourteen

A pushspring award is a small amorphous blob of clay that has a PDQ Pilsner cap dried into it to represent the button you “pushed” that created your specific awesomeness. Everyone in Saragun Springs (including Gwen and John got one). Mine was for “Least Missed When Missing” (which I hucked into the Spring to raise not a demon, but a smallish pixie of some sort who had a terrible attitude, but did not last long).

The clay blob represents our asteroid and the bottle caps were provided by PDQ Peetie.

I received an update from Mari-Kat on my phone. She looks exactly like Kate Bush in the Wuthering Heights video for a damn good reason, which we will enter into next week. Using magic, I saw her clearly whispering into the ear of the bent over demon tethered to the Spring. Both smiled. She then produced a black tea pot into which he either filled willingly or was sucked into.

I turned to face HeXy (who was watching the event on my phone, looking over my shoulder). “How many of those teapot demons have you?”

She smiled. “It’s a lamp.”

“No, it’s a goddamn teapot.”

“Hardly,” she sniffed.

“No, easily,” I said.

This little exchange of opinions would have continued if not broken up by the arrival of the billigits, in number they are four–identical flying wee folk, about eighteen inches long, orange skinned, named mothball, weasel, pinto and flounder. The billies play many roles in the Springs, but at root they are among HeXopatha’s minions.

Two billies apiece plucked John and Gwen from the audience and flew off with them toward the Enchanted Wood. Oddly, neither protested, in fact Gwen appeared to be taking images with her phone.

“Hey! Where are your flying toadies going with our guests?”

But HeXy vanished in a puff of green smoke. I did hear “It’s a lamp, dunderhead,” from afar, but nothing else.

I sat there for a moment and counted my blessings, of which I had two. It is Saturday, thus tomorrow was the day of rest. And having newcomers to the realm hauled off by flying Wiccan minions does provide a link to the title of the story.

See you on the yellow brick road come Monday.

End part fourteen

The Oz Exception: Part Thirteen

Despite my assurances, the show continued to be disrupted by the towering demon on the horizon. And, as always, when something goes awry in the Springs, I must fix it or take an incredible amount of passive-aggressive abuse.

“I wonderly wonder who aimed the fecal ball at the Spring?” said Daisy.

“Sure would be nice if someone in charge would do something,” said John, whose consumption of Faerie Ale did little for his sense of tact.

“Oh, all right, you babies,” I said, opening the crystal ball app on my phone, which directly connected me to the Great Witch HeXopahta–and the goddam Anita Know just had to bellow out what I was doing. “Connecting to the effective HeXopatha,” she said, which caused a ripple of applause in the amphitheater.

HeXy’s face filled my screen. “Hey you,” I said, “we got another demon at the Spring–the children are acting like there’s a spider in the shower–and they aren’t willing to wait for it to go away.”

“Do you want a giant newspaper?”

“Ha, ha, you are a wit as always,” I said. “I’m thinking that someone with magic knowhow can remove it and set it outside where we can pretend that it will be happier.”

She laughed and it was so loud that she sounded incredibly close and not at her castle in the Enchanted Wood. Alas, she was sitting directly behind me. I was the last to know this and still wouldn’t have if she hadn’t tapped me on the shoulder.

“Remember writing that everyone in the Springs is present at the awards show?”

“Very amusing,” I said, turning to face her. HeXopahta is your basic Beautiful Witch, high cheekbones, raven hair and such. She changes guises every hundred and thirty years, this time she looks half Irish, half Japanese. Yes, like Renfield, but since they are never seen together it is hard to compare. But I knew that Renfield had to be nearby. I considered dispelling “the one and the same myth” right there and now–but that would have meant pushing my capacity once again, so I let it go.

“Hey, you look like–” Gwen began to say, but she detected something in HeXy’s face that suggested she should leave well enough alone.

HeXopahta finished smiling her special smile at Gwen then spoke to me. “Tell you what,” she said.

“Ah, here it comes, the big squeeze…”

“For a hundred more shares of the 16 Psyche, I might be able to help the situation out.”

Long ago, the Springs placed a claim on the metal rich asteroid P16 Psyche. As soon as we think of a way to haul it into our sky, we will all be zillionaires (we cut the pie evenly in the Springs). Since our source of wealth is neither less farcical nor more imaginary as it goes on Earth, we feel free to trade shares for favors.

“All right,” I said. “As soon as the deed is done.”

HeXy silently nodded at her apprentice Wiccan, Mari-Kat Lywd, who was seated beside her. Mari-Kat rose and vanished with a poof.

End Part Lucky Thirteen

Welcome to Saragun Springs Book Four: HeXopatha and the billigits Finale

(Today we conclude this look at HeXy and the boys–but they will be back someday–again, fair warning-LA)

billigitmania

-1-

It’s hard to ignore five shadows cast on your desk by as many hovering beings outside the window. I do not know if there is an achievable degree of determination to successfully ignore such a situation; if so, it lies beyond my level of sticktoitiveness.

With a sigh I closed my computer and without looking I motioned to the hovering individuals outside to come in. I heard the window go up and I sat there at my desk, staring straight ahead at nothing until Penrose the Flying Weasel and the four billigits–by name, mothball, weasel (coincidental to Penrose), pinto and flounder appeared in my sight. (billigits do not believe in capitalization.)

“You guys still working for HeXopatha?” I asked because all five are minions of the Witch HeXopatha.

I heard “We serve our magnificent master.”

Each spoke one word of that– starting with “We” at Penrose and ending when flounder said “master.”

“Excellent,” I said. “You guys must be lost and need directions home. Just head toward the Enchanted Wood, thatta way,” I added, pointing out the window.

The crystal ball on my desk flashed red. That happens when the Magnificent Master herself has something to tell me. HeXopatha’s fair yet damned face appeared in the crystal.

“What now?” I said.

“‘Hello, HeXopatha, how are you on this fine day?’” she said with a mixture of sarcasm and some other smartass quality that no word can precisely describe; a sort of benign affection that can go malignant at any time.

“All right,” I said, “pretend you heard me say that, but remember it is the sort of thing a person asks but doesn’t mean. Anyway, funny you should call right now–since there are five of yours loitering in the office.”

“I sent my darlings to you for career advice,” she said. “They want to break into show business and since you are an endless source of inspiration for futile dreams, enjoy their company.”

The crystal went dark, but I could hear her standard bray of evil Wiccan laughter echoing. At that moment, my second in command in the make believe realm of Saragun Springs, Renfield, who bears an uncanny resemblance to HeXopatha, entered the office. There was an expression on her face that suggested she had just finished laughing maniacally at one of her own witticisms.

“Hi fellas!” Renfield said. “So you want to form a Boy Band!” All five of the winged fiends nodded enthusiastically.

I scrolled back through this story that we were acting, and, as I had thought, no one had yet to mention “Boy Band.”

“Didn’t know you read minds, Renfield–considering only these guys and HeXy knew the score on that.”

Renfield scowled–a sort of nose crinkle– in the “eww” manner that only pretty girls can do correctly–at the mention of our Witch. Despite their uncanny physical resemblance neither Renfield nor HeXopatha are willing to appear “on stage” at the same time as the other. And yet both always know what the other is thinking in a telepathic way that defies even the loose standards for such in Saragun Springs.

“Never mind, never mind,” I said.

“I’m going to be the manager, the Brains behind it all,” said Penrose.

“Yes, I can see a Weasel in charge of the money,” I said. “That’s the way it usually goes.”

“You other four have to adopt a type,” Renfield added.

“Type?” asked either mothball or weasel–billigits are identical and a bit hard to keep track of.

“Indeed,” Renfield said, “one has to be the bad billigit that the fans will want to reform.”

“Another has to be the sensitive billigit, the billigit you know who will listen and care about your miserable existence–preferably closeted Gay,” I said.

“What’s ‘Gay?’” All the billigits asked at once.

I had forgotten that billigits are a tad innocent. Since it was in nobody’s best interest to shine a light on their ignorance, I made like Penrose and Weaseled my way out of the topic.

“Um, happy in an old timey bicycle built for two sort of way,” I said, “but never mind that–whoever can feign a sympathetic ear to whining best should be that type.”

“And one has to be posh, the spoiled billigit,” said Renfield.

“And one gets to be the billigit who tells the backstory,” I said. “That’s going to be you, flounder. Lucky you. Congratulations.”

The expression on flounder’s face was contrary to that you’d expect to see on a face that had just received good news. But it brightened when Daisy Kloverleaf, the Pygmy Goatess and the lead FC in the realm, entered the office.

Penrose spoke up: “Meet our press agent, Miss Kloverleaf–please direct all enquiries toward her.”

“Hello Daisy,” I said. “So will it be up to you to put the spin on various sins committed by the boys?”

“The ‘boys’ resent your humancentric label. Please refer to them by name or as a billigit or gits in the pronoun sense,” Daisy said. Great, Daisy, not so innocent, had learned about labeling. Guess it was bound to happen.

“Fine,” I said. “But the next thing I’d better hear is the backstory or the lot of you will be gitting the hell out of here.”

Daisy is now tapping a hoof on the inside of the screen of the device you are reading this on. When it comes to supplying the backstory, Daisy is an Occam’s Razor type of Goatess. The simplest is the truest, and she has no problem removing the fourth wall.

“Hello readerly Readers. The billigitly billigits are wingly winged androgynous folksy folk about eighteen inches tall, orangey orange skinned and are cladly clad in identically identical blue polo shirts and khaki slacks. They also wearingly wear hemp slippers that usually fall off in flight.”

“Thank you, Daisy,” I said, and I cursed myself for giving the narrative to the adverbially inclined Miss Kloverleaf.

“So, you have a band, a manager and a press agent,” Renfield said. She had just mixed a pitcher of VooDoo juju at the bar (vodka, Bacardi 151, grenadine, crushed ice and Fresca).

“And the backing of a Witch,” I said, just to rattle Renfield’s cage.

“A what? Oh, that,” she said.

“You just missed Hexy a while back,” I added.

“‘Dear Diary, today I just missed meeting someone who’s got the combined charm of amoebic dysentery and sandpaper buttwipe. Now I cry myself to sleep.’” Renfield laughed bitterly and took a long pull from her drink.

“All right, gang,” I said. “Sounds like you got all you need–why come to me?”

“We need some songs,” said Penrose.

“Yes, I guess those would come in handy to prevent dead time on stage, but I am a bad songwriter.”

“But Daisy is very good,” Penrose said.

“Oh, I see–you want me to give Daisy permission to write her own material in the realm.” Being the CEO Penname of the Springs requires that I must okay side projects of the other citizens. I try to discourage that, but there are times when it comes in handy.

“Sure, knock yourself out. I was just telling Renfield the other day that there aren’t enough adverbial pop songs in the universe–right Renny?”

“Yeah, fucking-a-doodle,” she slurred (VooDoo Juju is powerful stuff, goes to work almost instantly.)

“Well, now that’s resolved, see you kids on the next Behind the Music. Don’t let the autotune hit you in the ass on your way out.”

The flyers exited via the window, and Daisy trotted happily out of the office on her way to her songwriting gig.

I checked the word count of this production: 1262 of the 3000 budget spent.

It was a critical moment. I had to make a decision then and there. No more putting it off. I either had to think of a snappy way of ending this production now, or go to the top add “-1-” and return and add…

-2-

A month later I was engulfed in one of those little handheld games which feature placing bb’s in tiny holes. It was the constellation Orion. I was going crazy because I could do everything except land the middle star in his belt. Thus occupied, I hadn’t noticed that Renfield had wheeled in the furniture dolly that holds an immense Philco television set, made circa 1950. It‘s a heavy-ass thing with a small circular screen in the middle, which bugs out like one of Marty Feldman’s eyes. We use it to watch programs telecast from Saragun Spring’s sister realm, Other Earth (which can be visited through an interdimensional portal near the foul spring the realm is named for).

“Shitandpissandbastardandbitchandhell! Why does this goddamn thing hate me! I’ve had it!” I screamed, not for the first time that day, but, as always, despite my at quits proclamation, I was going back for more abuse until I glanced up and saw Renfield adding tin foil to the set’s rabbit ears. It had been awhile since the last transmission from Other Earth, but not nearly long enough.

“Oh Jesus,” I said, “what Hell of the day club thing now?” The game was instantly forgotten.

Renfield shone her best punch me in the face smile. “You are always so negative, darling.”

“Maybe so,” I said. “But it’s been a long time since I’ve had a six-year-old on Christmas Eve buzz about the future. You see, mostly,” I added, holding up the game, “life is a minefield of futile shitbombs to be defused like this effed up thing.”

She didn’t take pity on me and turned on the set. After nothing but a prolonged static whine, Renfield gave it a good kick in the side (which is the accepted method of dealing with ancient electronics), a rolling picture formed on the screen. And there was also semi-sense making sound coming out of the tinny speaker.

The rolling black and white picture tube finally settled and I squinted, and saw Daisy Kloverleaf’s face on the screen. “Greetings, hip Cats and wild Kittens! Welcome to Goatenanny!”

This was followed by the enthusiastic cheering of an unseen studio audience, But the voices sounded like a gathering of “wild Kittens” ages ten to thirteen. I then heard the unmistakable voice of Penrose announce that week’s lineup of guests while stock rock music blared in the background–the generic stuff they used on shows in the sixties as to avoid licensing fees. There was only one guest that week, as it turned out, but the announcement was protracted to squeeze the last drop of teen spirit from the audience:

Penrose shouted “mothball!” And there mothball was–clad in a tiny leather jacket, his hair arranged in a Ducktail, a sulky look on his face–the bad boy billigit.

“weasel!” Apparently the gang had opted to include a “regular kid” billigit–for weasel had put on some weight and wore glasses…yet there was something about the weasel that made you root for him–the underdog, comic relief billigit–perfect for wild Kittens best described as having a “good personality” (billigits have no real gender–but they act like boys).

There was a loud “awww” mixed in with the reaction to pinto’s introduction. He was grinning shyly and was wearing a perfect little Beatles’ suit and tie, and had affected Paul McCartney Puppy eyes. The sensitive billigit, the one you can depend on never having a girlfriend to get between him and your fantasies.

A strange mix of friendly boos and wild hormonal shrieking greeted the posh billigit, flounder. He was wearing a cardigan and holding a polo mallet. He winked arrogantly at the audience and conveyed an “I know” cockiness that made him as slappable as Bieber.

Then Penrose and Daisy appeared together on the screen. In unison they bellowed “Meet the billigits!”

The speaker nearly blew in the set, because the shrieking had reached a tornadic level of sound. I figured that was a good thing because “Foreverly Yoursly Yours” appeared on one of those inserts that television used ages ago. I figured that it must be the name of the song; sounded like something Daisy would write.

The boys were flying about doing little aerial acrobatics, and the “Goatenanny Dancers” (composed ot Black Cats and Rats who are also minions of HeXopatha) jumped enthusiastically on stage.

Then another insert, much larger, informed the viewer that Goatenanny was presented by PDQ Pilsner. The image of Pie-Eyed Peety the PDQ Pilsner Pigeon (another one of my FC’s) then filled the screen. Below him the “quotation” “Whether it be at work or when you’re screwed blue and tattooed, don’t forget to make it PDQ!”

After a half hour of this nonsense went by, the broadcast ended. I turned the set off. Renfield mixed a pitcher of VooDoo JuJu.

“What year is it on Other Earth now?” I asked, taking the drink she handed me. Other Earth had recently fallen out of time sequence with the Springs and was decades behind us.

“Near as I can tell they bounced off 2023 and went back at least sixty years and are moving forward again. No one there has noticed the disruption, except us. And no one can interfere with their timeline unless they become a part of it–they can’t shoot anyone or prevent it–they exist only in the moment, but the moment can be profitable.”

I was about to opine on the morality of a bunch of Saragun Springs FC’s going into the Other Earth’s past and making a fortune, but thought better of it. Actually the VooDoo Juju made it much easier to overlook.

“Ha!” Renfield said. She had plucked the Orion game off my desk and sank all ten bb’s in under

as many seconds–something I hadn’t been able to do once in two days.

All I could do was drain my glass and say “Fucking-a-doodle.”

Welcome to Saragun Springs Book Four: HeXopatha and the billigits Part Seven

The Riddle of the billigits

Meet the Hammy Dodgers

The crystal ball on my desk flashed red. This happens whenever the Witch HeXopatha (nee “Hezopatha”) wants to pee in my lager.

HeXopatha is an immortal Wiccan. She has been around for thousands of years and will continue to be around for however long it takes for her to get bored with the world and retire permanently to Hell–but I don’t count on that happening soon. Once upon a time the “peasants” might have been able to do something about HeXopatha, but her skill level has risen beyond river tossing and the pyre. In fact it is a bad idea to mention such previous activities in HeXopatha’s presence; nor is it advised to claim to be of “Puritan stock,” unless you enjoy long hours in pillory stocks.

Still, despite her negative attitude toward Witchunting, it may be of interest to know that HeXopatha claims that no actual Witch had been a victim of the various persecutions, and that the Salem debacle was actually a ruse concocted by one of her associates to rid herself of a budding “Sadie Goodwife” type named Rebecca Nurse. “Sadies” have preternatural Witch senses, tiresome morality streaks and tend to tattle. It was easy to frame Nurse, for the elders’ brains, again according to HeXopatha, “Were heavily rotted with paresis.”

I’ve noticed that the two extreme sides of being share a similar smile; the same perma-set grin that we saw on the faces of Warren Jeffs’ “wives” when the FBI came for them is on HeXopatha’s face–but the key difference is a light of powerful, gleefully evil intelligence in the Witch’s eyes where there were only gone fishin’ signs hanging in the soul windows of the Utah harem.

And there she was in the crystal ball, smiling, glowing with bad intent.

“Hey you,” I said, “how come you changed the spelling of your name and added that pain in the butt cap X in the middle without consulting me, the Ruling Power, first?”

“Because I have Free Will. I don’t have to ask–besides, you must admit that HeXopatha makes more sense for a Witch.”

She had me there. Although a Fictional Character (FC) of my own creation, the endowment of Free Will ended any real authority I had over her. Actually, other than selecting who appears in my stories, I have no real sway over any of my FC’s.

“Since when must Ruling Powers make sense?” I said. “Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. The reason I called you–”

“It’s the other way around, darling,” HeXopatha said, her malevolent yet oddly cleancut image glowing even brighter in the crystal ball. Being a Witch, HeXopatha changes her appearance every time she returns to Earth from long sabbaticals in Hell. For this incarnation she opted for an olive complexion, honey colored eyes and jett hair. Two constants about her are extreme beauty and a necklace that contains charms of Cats, Rats, Owls, Ravens, Bats, Wolves, Spiders, Scorpions, Snakes and Stoats–her beloved critter familiars. She has a host of human sycophants, but they do not rate a charm on the necklace. (There’s also a “billigit” charm, which we will explore later.)

I glanced back to the start of this piece and discovered that it was indeed she who had placed the call.

“Don’t you think I know that?” I lied via a question (I call the act of rhetorical fibbing “quie-ing”). “What now, your serene lowness?”

“Do you remember the Riddle of the Sphinx?”

“Do I look like I don’t know my mythology?” I quied. “But for the sake of the readers who may not be as up on the tale as we are, do tell.”

“Let’s have a little play,” she said.

With that the Rat and Cat charms on her necklace glowed, and within three seconds a golden-eyed Black Cat with a Black Rat riding on her back leapt through my office window–which had been closed, yet opened on its own to let them in. (For the record, HeXopatha’s girl Cats have gold eyes, the guys’ are gray. Her female Rats wear black hair bows, this one did not.)

The Cat leapt onto my desk. The Rat dismounted as though the Cat were a Horse. He stood on his back legs, bowed and said, in a surprisingly deep voice, for a rodent “I am Shrewsbury and this is Lady Hisskit.”

“Charmed,” I said.

“We are members of the Hammy Dodger Players,” said Lady Hisskit, who, like Shrewsbury, spoke with a lovely, trained voice. “We salute our benefactor, our Magnificent Master, Her Highness HeXopatha.” Both ebon fiends turned and bowed before the evil visage in the crystal.

“Just a moment please,” I said. I removed the portable breathalyzer I keep on hand for reality checks and blew into it. The result was no higher than normal. “All right,” I continued, “I guess this must really be happening. Umm, ‘Jolly Rancher Players’ you say?”

“Hammy Dodger, we said,” Hisskit replied, all superior and Helen Mirren-like. She then assumed the pose of the Sphinx and said: “Behold The Sphinx and Oedipus.”

Shrewsbury was a method actor. He wasn’t ready and we watched him slowly channel the character of Oedipus, like an emoting little Brando. Lady Hisskit, being a Cat, had little patience with her co-star.

“Hurry the hell up, you little motherfu-”

“Now, now, Hissy, darling,” HeXopatha spoke from the crystal, “save your rage for reality.”

“My apologies, Magnificent Master.”

“Quite all right, sweetheart.”

When it became apparent that Shrewsbury was ready, the Sphinx spoke: “Hideous piebald meat bag, tell me what creature walks first on four legs, then two and ends on three?”

“Man,” Oedipus replied, with great confidence.

“Sexist prick!” The Sphinx said, taking a swipe at Oedipus, who leapt nimbly away.

“Curtain! Bravo babies, bravo!” HeXopatha called out. The Hammy Dodgers bowed.

I figured they’d go away faster if I applauded, so I did just that. Shrewsbury climbed back on board Lady Hisskit and they exited by the same route they’d entered.

HeXopatha was about to say something, but I delayed her with a raised finger. I opened my top desk drawer and removed two hotel bottles of Jack Daniels and downed both. I again blew into the breathalyzer and upon seeing that I was now at a blood/alcohol level high enough to make whatever she had to tell me easier to swallow, I shivered and said, “Proceed.”

“I believe it will be easier to explain if an idler FC will just happen to wander past your office door right about now and perhaps explain the backstory,” she said, not volunteering to do so herself.

“Swell idea,” I said, and lo and behold Tallywhacker the Berkshire Pig just happened to be wandering past my door, which is always open because most of my FC’s are animals who lack thumbs to turn knobs, and only about half can fit through the pet door–which Tallywhacker might have been able to pass through the day he was born but at no time after. He’s a big fella. Good hearted, but a bit of an ear talker offer. Such an individual comes in handy when a backstory needs addressing.

“Tallywhacker, old chum–gotta big job for you,” I called out.

“By waddle, Miss Leila,” he said, “I’m your Pig.”

HeXopatha and I glanced at each other, both with “By Waddle?” in our eyes, but neither of us said anything. Tallywhacker has his little verbal dingleberries, which are all a part of the varied richness that is the Tallywhacker experience. (For the record, he was named for the sheep counting rope device used by shepherds–not for the male device responsible for nearly all the wars in history–though such an allusion does make a humorous appearance in the classic film Porky’s.)

The Backstory, By Waddle

Tallywhacker is a big guy. He’s dark brown over white, shaped like a giant artillery shell and weighs at least four-hundred pounds. Fortunately he’s gentle, impossible to insult and talks non-stop. The last item isn’t always a blessing, but it is helpful when I need the backstory filled.

“Tally, old chum,” I said, “Miss HeXopatha and I were discussing–um, hold on a minute–” I then spoke at the crystal ball “Jesus Christ, HeXy, what are we talking about?”

“The Riddle of the billigits,” HeXopatha said as though speaking to a small, dumb child.

“I bet if I scroll backwards I’ll discover that this is the first mention of that,” I said.

“You could,” she said, “or you could just let Tally go whole hog and pretend we have already addressed it.”

“The Riddle of the billigits,” I said to Tallywhacker.

“Yes, yes, by waddle,” Tallywhacker said, gathering his words for a long and windy verbal gale.

I noticed out of the corner of my eye that HeXopatha “hung up” the crystal ball, for it went dark. Interestingly, it happened just before my second in command and Imaginary Friend Renfield entered the room. Renfield was wearing her usual sinister grin, which went well with her olive complexion, honey colored eyes and Jett hair.

“You just missed HeXopatha,” I said.

“Guess that gives me cause to hang myself,” she said. The antipathy between Renfield and HeXopatha is known to all. You never see them at the same time.

“By waddle, Miss Renfield,” said Tallywhacker. “What happened to that lovely necklace I saw you wearing in the lobby? With the charms?”

“The billigits, Tally,” I said, a bit quickly. “We’re up against the word budget enough already.”

“Oh, yes, by waddle, those daffy billigits–only four of the little winged orange fellows you know. Small, standing about hock high, and they wear identical blue polo shirts, khaki slacks and hemp slippers that fall off in flight. They do not use capital letters, by name they are mothball, weasel, pinto and flounder. Little rascals, by waddle,” Tallywhacker finished with a little chuckle.

It soon became evident that Tally had forgotten his lines.

Renfield fake sneezed “Minions.”

“Bless you, by waddle, Miss Renfield…why yes, the billigits currently serve as minions to the lovely Witch HeXopatha–who looks an awful lot like you, Miss Ren–”

“Pork Cheops,” Renfield fake sneezed again.

“‘Cheops,’ by waddle, of course. Mistress HeXopatha has founded the Valley of the Queen in her section of our realm known as Saragun Springs. She plans on building pyramids and such to her honor her esteemed witchyness…”

“And-wha-wha-wha-what-the-fuck-duh-do-fuh-four-billi-billi-billigits-have to do with it,” I faked sneezed.

During my fake sneeze, Renfield had quietly left the room; soon the crystal ball flashed red. HeXopatha was back, adjusting her charm necklace.

“That’ll do, Pig, that’ll do,” she said.

“Yes, and thank you Tallywhacker,” I added. “There are some tulip bulbs out in the barnyard that need rooting, if you are so inclined.”

“By waddle, that does appeal to my fancy,” Tallywhacker said. And as he passed through the office door, I realized that he was maybe three hundred calories away from not being able to squeeze through it, and I made a note to widen the passage.

Now, please imagine an attractive woman who has an olive complexion, honey-colored eyes, jett hair and is wearing a charm necklace knocking on the inside of the screen of whatever you are viewing this on. Since you are willing to do that much, please further imagine that your device is a crystal ball. The attractive woman wants your attention because she has something to tell you.

“Hello, readers or reader or no one at all, I am the Great and Powerful Witch HeXopatha. Through trickery and magic I have converted the four billigits that Tally mentioned into an army of a quarter million. I recently joined them to form a single giant billigit that is two-hundred-forty feet long and about sixty high. The size of the Sphinx. Why? Because I can. And for my further entertainment, I have devised the Riddle of the billigit. Only the correct answer to the riddle will break the spell and return the big billigit to the four individual billigits.”

Well, by waddle, there you have it.

Channeling Arnold

The Bard says “There are more things in heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” That pretty much sums up Horatio, but it doesn’t apply in this realm called Saragun Springs, where I’m the ruling Penname. Here, if you fail to dream up weird enough stuff, even weirder stuff will come looking for you. Some say it is because the vile, extravagantly poisoned, perhaps even sentient spring (which is a bit more like a geyser) that the realm is named after spews tons of vaporized LSD into our air every day. Some say lots of things, but this item might be true.

The Great billigit of HeXopatha, like everything else in my symmetrical realm, is about a mile downwind of the spring. In fact everything is downwind from the spring. No such condition as being upwind of it. Thus the air contains a vague scent similar to that spray polite people use in a vain attempt to conceal a particularly nasty toilet event.

Since the path to the Great billigit passed the spring, it was decided that the two persons with the least evolved senses of smell in the realm would try to solve the Riddle of the billigit. I went because I’ve been a smoker since childhood; I notice stenches, but only in a distant sort of way. I brought along Pie-Eyed Peetie, the PDQ Pilsner Pigeon– a perpetually pickled cartoon beer mascot who is offended by nothing due to his continuous consumption of PDQ Pilsner (which is brewed from the foul water of the spring). We rode on an old Vespa that could only be turned off by the removal of the wire leading to its lone spark plug.

We saw the Great billigit before he* saw us.(* Although technically neither male nor female, I call billies guys. For anyone offended by that, the answer to the Riddle is for you.) Several of the individual billigits were playing soccer, which proved to my satisfaction that they didn’t hold the Sphinx pose when no one was looking.

But a lookout finally saw us and the collective billigits took the shape of a winged orange Sphinx that wore a blue polo shirt and khaki pants. A pair of giant hemp slippers lay close by.

I pulled up to the Great billigit, yanked the plug wire and said “We have come to solve the Riddle. I’m certain that you guys want to end this nonsense even more quickly than I do. So I recommend a Riddle from the bottom of the Riddle jar, if you catch my drift.”

I could hear the Great billigit’s thoughts. Actually it was the four original billigits, each playing himself and 62,249 other billigits,

by name mothball, weasel, pinto and flounder, excitedly chatting about putting some distance between themselves and the nearby putrid spring.

The four addressed us in one combined voice.

“Behold the riddle: ‘Hey, buddy, did a cat die in there or what?'”

Fate had smiled on us all. The billigits knew that Peetie’s an authority on the slob coms and popcorn films of the 1980’s. It was obvious they wanted no further part of HeXopatha’s Valley of the Queen.

“Fuck you, asshole,” Peetie said, quoting the Terminator, who answered the same “riddle” with those words decades ago.

With that 249,996 doppelganger billigits zapped out of existence, leaving but the original foursome. They bowed and immediately flew off as fast as possible.

Epilogue, By Waddle

Later, I was back in the office supervising the widening of the doorway for Tallywhacker’s benefit.

The crystal ball flashed red.

“What now?”

“Hello, darling,” HeXopatha said. “I want to introduce you to the newest member of the Hammy Dodgers.”

Tallywhacker’s honest face appeared in the crystal. “By waddle, this is certainly a big career move for me.”

“Good job, on the audition,” I said. “Glad you got out before you got too big for the door to hit you in the ass–Tell me, HeXy, why did you waste the time to create a Sphinx that was so easy to disperse?”

HeXopatha smiled that Mormon harem smile of hers. “Because I can.”

The crystal went dark. A moment later Renfield entered with a tablet in her hand. She smiled that Warren-wifey smile of hers and handed me the tablet.

The screen was connected to a security camera near Saragun Springs and the Valley of the Queen. The air was filled with the 249,996 billigits I thought we had dismissed. Each one was carrying a small stone carved from a quarry near the spring. A billigit sized stone. There was a conga line of the guys, which ended where the Sphinx billigit had been.

“So, HeXy is getting her pyramid after all,” I said, handing the tablet back to Renfield.

“I bet it’s a scam,” Renfield said.

I glanced at her, then took the crystal ball in my hand, spoke “Tallywhacker” thrice into it.

“Okay gang, all together before we run out of words,” I said.

“By Waddle,” we said.

Welcome to Saragun Springs Book Four: HeXopatha and the billigits Part Six

(Note: We have yet to reach the era in which the witch and her little minions have standardized the spellings of their names–LA)

Where Have All the billigits Gone?

-1-

If you can imagine a realm that is both infinite and a place where nothing is farther than a mile from anything else, then you can imagine my land of make believe. You see, I failed High School Geometry and have no sense of scientific proportion. I went every day, but it was the first period, and I fell asleep with my eyes open. I wound up with four A’s and one F on that report card. I got my high marks in History, Drama, Music and Sociology. But the world is run by Slide Rule Supremacists who’d rather have kids bomb out in those and score big successes in the ometries.

I had to take an extremely remedial math class (which was as intellectually demanding as “Celebrity Jeopardy”) to gain my diploma. My crowning glory there was the creation of a coordinate graph. When connected, the numbered points revealed the face of Fred Flinstone with dollar signs in his eyes and the caption “Bedrock Lotto.” Although giving up on a freshly minted adult and releasing her into a high tech society armed with no fancier arithmetic in her head than how to arrange a Fred Flintsone graph is probably immoral, that’s just the way the old hypotenuse bounces. Besides, it continues to give me the freedom to create scientifically impossible vistas. Hooray for the armor of ignorance.

According to the 70’s band America, “Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man that he didn’t, didn’t already have.” Well, the Wiz was hardly Great and Powerful then, now was he? For I, the ruling Penname in my little metaverse, have endowed all my Fictional Characters (FC’s) with unretractable Free Will, which they most definitely did not already, already have going in. The person who employs me (whose experiences, skills, shames and lacks are identical to mine) did the same for me; alas, you don’t need a head full of logarithms to conceptualize the vicious circle.

Free Will runs amuck; that’s its main characteristic. So, it follows that my FC’s run amuck in keeping with their Free Will. All my FC’s have “Free Willed” actual lives for themselves, which they lead when not involved in my stories. And they often do interesting things when not in print. Some are known to get a bit freer and interesting than what is good for my sanity. And although it is futile, every now and then I try to at very least inform the freer and more interesting element that they are doing to my sanity what a Cat does to a litter box.

Hezopatha the Witch, who has appeared in four or five productions, is a particularly keen Free Will enthusiast. I guess I could be held to blame there; when I developed “Hezzie” I made her smarter than I, thus a sociopath. (I discovered early that all persons more intelligent than I are sociopaths.)

Like any self loving, intellectual, sociopathic, footloose and Free Willed Witch, Hezopatha lives deep in the Enchanted Forest. But as I have already mentioned she is no farther than a mile from anyplace else in the realm. The entire realm is infested with her Minions and “pets.” Just the other evening I glanced up from my computer and saw a great black Owl sitting on the window sill, studying me. And it is not at all unusual to be walking in the garden and have my left ankle assassinated at any moment by one of her Black Cats. It’s always a quick bap bap bap to the left ankle and then back under cover. I’ve yet to learn why only the left ankle is targeted. You see her Rats and Ravens and Wolves everywhere and get used to them in no time at all.

But it was what Minions were missing that got me thinking about Hezopatha the other day, and filled me with anxiety. Moreover, there were stranger than normal lights and sounds coming from her area. She was up to something and when Hezzie is up to something it is usually over the top. For example, through a robust exertion of Free Will, Hezzie had tricked me into giving her a quarter million billigits for Minions…

(The ellipsis concluding the previous paragraph is there to note a pause in my thoughts–for I’m stuck on deciding how to explain what the hell a “billigit” is to readers new to me; should I just tell or hold off and allow the information to come forward in dialogue and action? A bleat or not to bleat verbal transaction. Though just telling you is easier, it is also indicative of lazy writing. But for it to come out in expository dialogue, I need someone to share my thoughts with. Damn it–all right, fine, whatever…)

(The ellipsis at the end of the previous parenthetical paragraph–which is removed from this parenthetical paragraph by one day, a hard return and several pints of Stout–indicates more pondering on my part. I had to decide which two FC’s to take with me on my visit to Hezopatha…Then I will cleverly have one of them do the backstory work!…)

I’ve learned that ellipses lead to, like Stout, more Stout. But upon getting a handle on myself I chose Daisy Cloverleaf the Pygmy Goatess and her brother Fenwick to accompany me to the Enchanted Wood. Normally I’d bring along my Imaginary Friend and second in command, Renfield, but she and Hezopatha do not like each other. Fortunately even sociopaths approve of Pygmy Goats.

I located Daisy and Fenwick in the Barnyard. They were playing “Kick the Can.” Despite the pernicious cliche, Goats do not eat cans. But they do put them in their mouths and hide them for robust games of Kick the Can. For Goats it is “The beautiful game.”

“Hi, guys, who’s winning?”

Daisy, who has appeared in my productions as everything from a Unicorn to Superhero, shook her head sadly, evidently embarrassed by my ignorance.

“Kick the Can isn’t about the score, Miss Leila,” she said. “It’s a metaphor for the purpose and dignity of life.”

“Yeah, Mama-O,” Fenwick, who is a beatnik, added, “only squares keep a record.”

Only species able to count can keep a record, Daddy-O, was almost out of my mouth, but instead I said: “How interesting–I’ve never equated the struggle with smacking an empty beer can around in the dirt…guess that makes as much sense as anything.”

This witty repartee was interrupted by the appearance of a blue and orange upside-down tornado in the sky above the Enchanted Wood. It was, of course, a mile away, but we could hear the roar and suck of a great wind as though it was much closer.

The vortex was spinning wildly but at the same time holding its place. Being upside down, the pointy end appeared to be boring into the sky like a drill bit. The weather was perfect save for the abnormality above Hezzie’s place. Due to the tree tops we couldn’t see the inverted “top” of the funnel, but I guessed that it was about a hundred yards across at its widest point.

As I’ve said countless times, strange sites are common in our realm. Still, I felt duty bound to check this one out. For blue and orange are the main colors of the billigits–the missing Minions.

I smiled at the little Goats. “You guys up for adventure?”

-2-

Daisy and Fenwick were up for adventure, but they didn’t want to walk a mile. Funny how creatures who will frolic for hours batting about a crumpled Coors Light can will all of a sudden get lazy on you. Still, I didn’t feel much like walking, either. Fortunately, I recalled a golf cart I had used in a story about five years ago–Back then I’d called it the “Little Deus Coupe Ex-Machina ”–or similar nonsense. But “golf cart” was good enough for our purposes. Amazingly, it had been on a battery charger for the last five years and nothing had blown up.

Not so amazingly, however, of the three of us, only I knew how to drive. FC Pygmy Goats can do exceptional things, but operating a vehicle ain’t one of them. Daisy and Fenwick are twins, but Daisy is by far the most mature of the two. “I want to drive,” Fenwick said. He got pouty when I informed him that he could, if he’d sprout thumbs, grow two feet taller and tell his left from his right with a hitherto unseen consistency. As I’ve said before, Fenwick is a beatnik. He wears a beret and his little beard is arranged as a “Van Dyke.” He taps his hooves on hard surfaces when he hears jazz and often smokes clove cigarettes. But he’s also as bratty as a two-year-old child.

“Tell you what, Fenwick,” I said, when it appeared that a tantrum was brewing, “you can sit on my lap and steer while I apply the pedals.”

Now, Daisy is the more mature of the two, but only when compared to Fenwick. I could see trouble brewing in her eyes. But there was a way out.

“Since Fenwick and I will be navigating the cart, would you please, dear, dear, Miss Daisy Cloverleaf take over the narrative?”

As luck would have it, there just happened to be a fully charged Chromebook in the cart. And although it remains one of preternature’s great mysteries, FC Pygmy Goats are brilliant typists. I often place Daisy at the keyboard when I am otherwise occupied. She’s good for a hundred words per minute and no errors–save for those in judgment.

I leave part three to Daisy.

-3-

The roses smelled rosily and the bees buzzed buzzingy as Miss Leila and Feckwit “drove” us to Mistress Hezopatha’s estate in the enchantingly Enchanted Wood.

“Daisy?” Miss Leila said–with that annoyingly annoying tone she sometimes affects.

“What?”

She pointed at her phone, which was mounted on the small dashboard of the golf cart. “I can see everything you write.”

“So?”

“Well, other than again caution you about adverbs, I can’t help but notice a rare typo. You misspelled Fenwick.”

“That’s not a typo,” I said.

“I, Feckwit,” said my brother.

When he first appeared in a story called “I, Feckwit,” I’d convinced his ignorant behind that it was a complimentary term, and that calling himself it would enhance his masculinity and attract girls. Since he refuses to learn how to read, I believe that Feckwit applies.

Leila read what you have just read, shrugged her shoulders and said, “Whatever.”

Although it would overburdenly overburden Miss Leila’s mathematically challenged brain to figure this out, at a top speed of four miles an hour it took roughly fifteen minutely minutes to cover the mile to Mistress Hezopatha’s front door.

“Holy shit, it’s full of billigits,” Miss Leila said when we got close enough to the upside down tornado in the sky to see it was composed of individual components.

“And?” Miss Leila said…

The ellipsis at the end of the previously previous sentence is there to convey the hope Miss Leila had for finally at last getting across to readers new to her (aka “any”) what a billigit is, without having to do so herself.

We exchanged glances. Then I began to type:

“A billigit is an eighteen inch orange person who’s equal parts Daddy and Mommy-O and wears a square blue polo shirt, khaki pants and groovy hemp slippers that split the scene in flight. Mommy-O Hezzie-O-path has a zillion billigits as Minions, like wild baby, wild,” Feckwit said.

Miss Leila seized on the opportunity I had givenly given her. She snapped her fingers in the beatnik manner and said, “Don’t stop there Daddy-o, tell me more…lay down the word.”

“Back in Squaresville the Man tagged them billygits–but now they hook their own groove, billigits, baby-billigits. Dig?”

For the record Feckwit pronouncingly pronounced it “bill-luh-gitz.”

By taking her hands off the wheel to snap her fingers, Leila had made the mistake of leaving the steering of the cart to Feckwit–who knows no more about how to drive than Leila does calculus. That and the fact that both she and Feckwit were gazingly gazing at the swirly swirl of billigits, now almost directly above us–and while I was writing, might have led to an accident at four miles an hour, if it hadn’t been for Mistress Hezopatha. We were unaware that we had entered her vast courtyard. She stopped us just short of crashing into one of several small mountains of billigits slippers with a wave of her hand. Suddenly wordlessly arrivals are commonplace with Witches.

Leila glanced at what I had written on her phone. I waited for her to say something derogatively derogative about my shiny prose. Instead, she smiled, patted me on the head and said, “That’ll do, Goatess, that’ll do.”

-4-

I’d have closer to a thousand words left in the budget than the eight-hundred and change I find myself looking at if it weren’t for Daisy’s adverb addiction. That’s another thirty-plus down the swirly, including this sentence. Still, I don’t think I’ll need much more than five hundred to put this production to bed.

Smiling, Hezopatha produced an empty tuna can and tossed it in the courtyard. Daisy and Fenwick/Feckwit leapt from the golf cart and went after it; thus another stanza of the majestic physical poetry that is Kick the Can was composed. It also gave the kids a graceful pre-exit from this story.

I got out of the cart and approached Hezzie. I pointed up.

“Oh, you noticed darling.”

“Uh huh.”

“Let’s go inside, I will explain.”

Hezzie is a beautiful Witch–her ego would never allow for green skin, warts and such. In this incarnation of her physical self she has olive skin, honey colored eyes and high cheekbones. A Nefratiti look if there has ever been one.

We went inside to her comfortable living room.

“I must thank you for the billigits,” she said–”they are quite useful–not as much as Rats–but more so than human Minions.”

“Uh huh,”

“As you saw, they are employed in a great work.”

“Uh huh.”

“Very soon the billigit vortex will create a geometric dimensional breach.”

“A geometric breach?”

“Euclidean,” Hezzie said with an evil smile.

“You a clidean, me a clidean, we’s all a clidean,” I said. “I take it that your wiseass thinks you can get over on me via fancy math.”

“I sure do.”

I sighed. “Perhaps it would be easier if you told me the goal.”

Our conversation was interrupted by a great crack of thunder. The booted tuna can, closely followed by Daisy and Fenwick came indoors, but they were still so focused on the aesthetic, that coming inside was the only concession they made to the blast.

“Hark!” Hezopatha said. “My will hath been done.”

She motioned me to follow her outside.

The billigit tornado was gone. And a giant shadow increasing in size had fallen over the courtyard. A moving shadow that had clearly outlined wings. All quarter million billigits had merged into one gigantic billigit. This immense creature landed in a nearby clearing and took a repose similar to the Sphinx. I’ll admit that it was a unique sight, but perhaps I’m a bit more jaded to such than most.

A few seconds later an immense pair of billigit slippers crashed beside the giant billigit.

“How come the slippers landed after the billigit?” I asked.

“Geometric principles involving air resistance, darling.”

“I see,” I said. “So, whenever I ask you a perfectly reasonable question your reply will be smothered by a pile of science. So, let’s forget about that. Perhaps you might explain why you compressed all the billigits into one giant billigit?”

Hezzie smiled that smile that I was getting awfully tired of. “That involves trigonometry, daring.”

From inside came a crash. Maybe I couldn’t understand what she was up to, but I could arrange for the Can Kickers to break a vase or three in the house.

“What was that?” she said. It was nice to see the smug expression leave her face.

“I believe it’s called gravity, darling.”

Welcome to Saragun Springs: Book Four HeXopatha and the billigits Part Five

The Fifth billygit of the Apocalypse

****

I was just sitting there, taking up space, contributing nothing to the Universe other than not plotting its destruction. I was studying the concept of wrath as dispensed by cyber-mobs, and I arrived at the conclusion that those who frame witches do so to forestall winding up bound and tossed into the river themselves. Hardly a revelation, but the truth seldom wows. When you get down to it the words of the prophets are found on the subway walls, tenement halls and in stupid tweets, old chum.

My Imaginary Friend and second in command, Renfield, popped into my office and told me that the billygits wanted to see me.

I snapped out of my philosophical cogitation. “No, they don’t,” I said. “I passed them off on Hezopatha. She’s now Herod to the little jeebuses, not I.”

Renfield smiled a smile that informed me what she had said wasn’t a request. Like it or not I was going to see the billygits. Renfield whistled and the four billygits flew into the room. Then she departed, closing the door behind her.

The billygits eschew capital letters. So, there’s no disrespect when I list them by name: mothball, weasel, pinto and flounder. Your basic billigit is eighteen inches long, winged, androgynous (but I like to call them “guys” or “boys”–sue me), orange skinned and they all wear blue polo shirts, khaki pants and tiny hemp hard-sole slippers that are always falling off. Except for slight variations in their faces, billygits are identical physically, but they do have differing temperaments. Unlike only Renfield and myself, the billygits are among the Fictional Characters (FC’s) in our realm of make believe. They were created two productions ago; and in the publication which precedes this (if this current one makes the grade) I had given them to a powerful FC named Hezopatha the Witch as minions because I discovered having four winged little orange dudes around the office is highly irritating. I played the role of “Satan” in that story, thus sealing the deal in hellfire, scorched scrolls and smoldering wax seals.

“What do you guys want? You’re Hezopatha’s problem now,” I said, wishing for a trap door like that in Mr, Burns’ office on The Simpsons. In this realm, you never know when wishes will come true. And sure enough a trap door appeared under the billygits. But since they fly, it wasn’t a useful wish; wasted wishes are the only kind that come true around here.

“Magnificent Master sent us,” said mothball, who was to my far left. I then noticed that Hezopatha had given the boys name tags.

“The Magnificent Master desires another billygit,” weasel, next in line, added.

“How come?”

“For the Magnificent Master’s OCEAN project,” pinto chimed in, all haughty like, as if I knew what he was talking about.

“And what is OCEAN?” I asked when it became evident that no one was going to expand on the subject.

I knew that Hezopatha was up to no good, being a Witch and all. Although I had created her, I had also given her Free Will, as I do all FC’s–even the billygits. “Hezzie’s” Free Will usually manifests itself in mayhem and missing persons. But since those who turn up gone are not actual human beings, just actors playing chunks of peasant stew, I stay out of her way. Hezzie is also a sociopath, thus highly creative. Ambitious too. And her latest scheme for upward mobility was underscored by what the billygits then told me.

“The Magnificent Master…“ flounder started, but I interrupted him.

“Now that all you guys have called Hezzie ‘Magnificent Master’ feel free to stop kissing her butt. I won’t tell.”

“Magnificent Master told us you’d say something of that flavor,” flounder said.

“She said to ignore it and any attempt you make at wishing for a trapdoor,” said weasel–no, mothball.

Renfield had been eavesdropping over any one of fifteen ways to listen in, and she sent me a Googled definition of OCEAN, which appeared on the screen of my open laptop. As I’d somehow sensed, it was New Age claptrap devised by smart people overeducated to the point of uselessness.

“My bullshit detector tells me that OCEAN is a patchouli reeking, personality labeling acronym that stands for Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness and Neuroticism, sometimes called CANOE–What the hell is Neuroticism? Is that what Woody Allen experiences as he creeps to the girls’ room?”

Silence. Sour expressions were on the winged pests’ faces.

“Hannah and Her Sisters fans, eh?–well never mind–how about telling me what OCEAN has to do with placing people upside down on meat hooks?”

“Magnificent Master requires a fifth billygit to complete her greatest spell,” I forget which one of the little dudes said it, but I know one did.

“Each one of us represents a letter,” flounder–I think, said.

“Ah,” I said (fairly sure about that). “And you need a fifth for the N, being there’s only four of you. Still, what precisely is the aim?”

The four just fluttered, exchanging confused glances.

“Just pulling your chains, boys–Everyone knows that Hezopatha never tells anyone but her Rats what she is up to. Could be, in the greater scheme of things, that she only devised this OCEAN plan just to get me to make the awful Woody Allen joke. Hezopatha moves in mysterious ways. Who are we to question her? Yet I’m willing to bet my eye of newt futures that she’s planning to raise some sort of passive-aggressive New Age Demon. You see, guys, the Magnificent Master is the type of individual who is only happy when Coyotes are digging up the bones of those who crossed her from unmarked graves in the desert.”

More silence.

I sent Renfield a message: SUMMON TEAM G.O.A.T.

She replied: WHAT’S THE MAGIC WORD?

My retort: RIGHTFUCKINGNOW.

I smiled. “If I greenlight a fifth billygit, you guys promise to go and stay away?”

For the first time since our little conference began, the billygits behaved as though they approved of my existence. They assured me that I would not see any more of them if I granted their request.

Renfield sent me a message. (And yes, she was in the next room.): IT’S DAISY’S SPA DAY. SHE’S GETTING HER HOOVES PAINTED.

Me: THAT’S OK. PEETY WILL DO. GET HIM.

Renfield sent me a middle-finger emoji.

Me: PLEASE.

Renfield: HE’S IN THE GUTTER.

Me: I’LL SEND THE BILLIES TO HIM.

“Boys,” I said, “you know Pie-Eyed Peety the PDQ Pilsner Pigeon?”

They all shook their heads yes.

“I need one of you not to know who he is for the sake of the backstory.”

pinto took the bullet. “My, who is this Pie-Eyed Peety the PDQ Pilsner Pigeon?”

“Glad you asked,” I said, lighting a cigarette. “He’s a two dimensional cartoon beer mascot from Other Earth, a place created by our Creator–the reckless fool I’m Penname to, that talking bratwurst who gave us Free Will. Peety, via the out and out breaking of all the physical laws of the Universe and then some, now also exists in this realm and carries a bottomless can of PDQ Pilsner, a piss-like brew which used to exist only at Other Earth. Peety is also the sidekick to the G.O.A.T.–whose true identity as meek and mild Daisy Cloverleaf the Pygmy Goatess cannot leave this room or they’ll be finding pieces of you guys in dumpsters from here to Mars. Anyway, the only way a new billygit can be created is by Peety baptizing an extant billygit with PDQ Pilsner–You fellas know where the Gutter Bar and Grill is?”

“Should we?” mothball asked.

“It would be helpful.”

Fortunately, weasle knew where the Gutter was.

“Cool–go there and ask Peety to do his magic.”

******

I was dozing at my desk a few hours later, dreaming of hail falling on the roof.

I awoke and saw a smiling Renfield standing in front of my desk. Yet the sound of hail followed me into unwanted consciousness. I again wished for a trap door–which happened, but this time it appeared under my chair.

“What’s that noise?” I asked, half wondering how long she’d been standing there. The sound of the hail increased by the second.

“It’ll be easier if you look out the window.”

I slowly swiveled my office chair and looked out the window. Thousands upon thousands of tiny hemp slippers were falling from the sky. And I saw several flocks of bright orange, blue and khaki birds flying overhead. But they weren’t birds.

“That’s a whole mess of billygits,” I said. “I probably should have seen this coming.”

“Right?” Then Renfield took my laptop and downloaded footage taken by the

camera at the Gutter. Security cameras in this realm are very good. They record sound and even pan from one speaker to another. Could say they’re the same as magic.

Pie-eyed Peety is a gregarious little fellow and always a pal. He used to speak his own words, but for a long time now he has only communicated by quoting the popcorn flicks and slob-coms of the late seventies through the eighties. Stuff like Slap Shot, The Terminator, Caddyshack, Porky’s and so on. And he has a big thing for Animal House. He knows it better than Satan knows the fiddle.

And it was a good thing that Renfield and I knew our Animal House. For what played out on the magic security camera would have made little sense without the knowledge.

Although Peety is loaded around the clock, he tends to get drunker when he’s in the Gutter. Who knows why. Just another one of those mysterious things that makes poets shrug their scrawny shoulders.

Renfield had to turn up the volume so it could be heard over the steady drumming of billygit slippers hitting the roof. We watched the four billies fly into the Gutter and interrupt Peety’s foosball game.

“Shit,” I said, “should have told them not to bother Peety when he’s got his foosball on.”

“Right?”

Peety reacted to the pests in his normal-for-Peety way. He approached flounder and saw the nametag Hezopatha had given him and bellowed: “Redo those buttons! Dress that belt buckle! And damn it, tuck in those pajamas!”

“Double shit,” I said, “Peety only quotes Neidermeyer when there’s gonna be trouble.”

“Right.”

“What’s that on your chest, Mister?” Peety said, his face inches away from flounder’s.

“Um, it’s the name tag the Magnificent Master gave me–see it says…”

“A Pledge Pin!!!”

Peety then shook his bottomless can of PDQ (which sometimes appears as a bottle or a mug–but is always present and bottomless) and sprayed the four billygits, who reproduced exponentially, a line formed behind all of them. And Peety just kept spraying and spraying, begetting more and more billygits.

I closed the laptop.

I heard a loud bell chime in my desk and the sound of slippers falling on the roof immediately ceased. I opened the drawer and pulled out the crystal ball that is my direct line to Hezopatha. Her lovely, yet evil visage filled the orb.

“What’s up Hezzie?”

“Just calling to thank you for the minions, darling.”

I saw movement in the curves of the ball–orange and blue swirls.

“Are they all with you?”

“Yes, the last flock passed over your little shack on their way to me just seconds ago.”

A quick glance out the window confirmed that. Not a billygit in the sky, but there were plenty of hemp slippers lying around.

I smiled. “I’m guessing that the ‘OCEAN’ project involved Peety spraying an ocean of PDQ, as to provide you with an endless supply of minions. I’m guessing you knew Peety would fuck things up somehow and give you what you really wanted.”

Hezopatha laughed. Always laughing.

“Well, that was then,” I said, “and this is now. I need you to send out a battalion of billies to come and get these goddam slippers–must be a yard deep in some places.”

She didn’t reply, but I heard her echoing laughter as her face faded in the darkening ball.

“Hey! I’m serious! This is my job!” I yelled at the crystal ball. But Hezopatha was offline.

“Professor Jennings, Animal House,” Renfield said.

“Peety ain’t the only one who can quote scripture,” I said. “Goddam Hezzie went rat bastard on me. Maybe the slippers will dissolve in the rain. “

Renfield was mixing a pitcher of martinis at the bar. “According to the computer model, Hezzie has something close to a quarter million billygits at her disposal–there would have been more but someone challenged Peety to another game of foosball.”

“Wow,” I said, whistling. “That’s a lot of pledge pins.”

I noticed that the trapdoor was still under me and pushed the button. But goddam reality had either followed me down the hole or was running simultaneously at an even lower level of expectation.

Renfield poured the martinis and I wished for rain.