billigits

the rubiayat of the billigits: part thirteen

(translated by dame daisy kloverleaf)

i

the billigits hootch distillery

makes hundred proof liquid artillery

but it is best to sip it calmly calm

lest you drink yourself onto the pillory

ii

willie donkey downs a quart everyday

he offers some to horses who say neigh

horses are not snobbly snobs or too high

they prefer equine beer made from good hay

iii

there is an e in scotland scotch whiskey

most of the rest go second vowell free

billies spell it w-h-i-s-k-i

and call it whiskigits on delivery

iv

two fingers lead to three sheets in the wind

magic donkeys drink from bucket and bin

lacking fingers they do not much worry

cos it takes hands to carry original sin

the rubaiyat of the billigits: part twelve

(translated by dame daisy kloverleaf)

i

monday billigits are full of faces

eyeing little mirrors in strange places

tuesday billigits listen to grace slick

eyeing small white rabbits in blank spaces

ii

wednesday billigits playin hooky

in pooly pool halls learning snooki

thursday billies say it is snooker

that means hooky hooker cooker cookie

iii

friday billigits are about drinkin

with willie the donkey come home stinkin

saturday gits want the hair of the dog

and magic donkeys are for that thinkin

iv

sunday billigits are free on bail

the night before was quite the third sail

with willie they did paint the town bright blue

magic donkeys never go to jail

the rubaiyat of the billigits: part eleven

(translatedly translated by dame daisy kloverleaf)

i

gather around and you will hearly hear

bout the midnight flight of wasted reindeer

the billigits saw them high in the sky

cupid slurring santa smellin of beer

ii

a snowflake inquisition was brought to wit

called by puritan karen hypocrites

what about our pure children they squealed

whatta bout em mad santa asked quite blitzed

iii

ten months a year we work where it freezes

to make gifts for your spoiled diseases

we do it for free yet you fail to thank

if up to me I’d send you to jesus

iv

the billigits led the big cheer hooray

santa had socked it to that p.t.a.

the snowflake karens slunked off now knowing

that was one elf you do not playly play

the rubaiyat of the billigits: part ten

(translated by dame daisy kloverleaf)

i

The billies shot a dart into the air

where it landily landed no one cared

not an arrow because it had to go

it made eleven syllables mon frere

ii

but it did land neither happy nor well

it put out a street light in uptown hell

satan complained to the moving finger

she said not my problem what or who fell

iii

the billigits wanted to make amends

in the multiverse it helps to have friends

good and evil and somewhere in between

never tell which way the future will bend

iv

dearest devily devil we do rue

the harmly harm we brought down on you

perhaps it is for best we leave it spent

like that soul you paid for by iou

coda

dear readerly readers

there are ninety morely more to be seenly seen in the futurely future, beginning in aprily april.

daisy

Second Coda

Now that we can once more use standard capitalization and punctuation, the “readerly readers” are invited to attend every Thursday this March for further nonsense.

Yours,

Leila

the rubaiyat of the billigits: part nine

(faithfully translatedly translated by daisy kloverleaf)

i

it was the mediocrest of timely times

and the billigits wanted better rhymes

the scriv’ner was surly and sensitive

and she cared little about gittly whines

ii

as long as they blend not too horrible

the wee folk should not dare cry doggerel

for i espy on the byline their names

the four infants billigits terrible

iii

the vexed billigits flew off to the bar

with willie the magic donkey right thar

they partied hard in fast sin and sloe gin

When willie left the billies called him squar

iv

never insult a magic donkey

especially at a honky tonkey

unless you are prepared to be kicked long

all the wayly way to old milwaukee

the rubaiyat of the billigits: part eight

(translated by daisy kloverleaf)

i

willie the donkey was an assassin

of character it was his lone passion

he trolled online like a little bastard

til his email was hacked by a russian

ii

willie sang a new song that daily day

he was kind and as sweet as springtime hay

he played the role of the smiling ass

but someone was going to soon pay

iii

willie wandered the backrooms of the net

seeking the russian who owed him the debt

willie found the creep hidingly hiding

he asked to be friends Willie said nyet

iv

our magic donkey has learned a lesson

from bad guy to good and such a blessin’

willie just smiles and shines us on

over alfalfa with russian dressin

the rubaiyat of the billigits: part seven

(translated by daisy cloverleaf)

i

On a dark and stormy nightily night

The sea raged with all its mightily might

The billigits stood on the burning deck

Brave and strong they fought the fightily fight

ii

Willie the donkey was big on duty

he put out the fire in their booty

The billies stood as stoic as ahab

Whilst the magic ass covered the looty

ii

Hark and ahoy and avast scurvy scribe

looty as a word is plain silly jive

Odd thing to say to the moving finger

That choosely chooses the drowned and alive

iv

Willie the magic donkey brayed like a loon

That’s because he is a walking saloon

The fire was out and the timbers shivered

And they made port by the rhyme of the moon

the rubaiyat of the billigits part six (translated by daisy kloverleaf)

l

are you going to the billigits fair

mothball weasel pinto flounder are there

be sure to take the one you tolerate

and not the result of losing a dare

ll

saragun springs has only one season

spummerautner describes hot and freezin

the billies again are slamming my rhyme

they claim its why their faces are creasing

iii

it will be fine at the billigits fair

mothball weasel pinto flounder still there

remember me to one just like the song

or to two if you get stuck with a spare

iv

did you go to the billigits lame fair

weasel mothball pinto flounder were there

they said making three “air” stanzas is dumb

no way in hell will I be back next yair

the rubaiyat of the billigits part five (translated by daisy kloverleaf)

i

ping is the sun in the Saragun sky

he is up from six to six bringing light

but ping weaves a crookedly crooked path

choosing his own course upon his own rise

ii

the flying billigits launched a query

of which was the type this pen is weary

how does one rhymely rhyme sky light and rise

the pen shook her head all drunk and bleary

iii

ping does go wherever he wantly wants

and yet he never hears your tauntly taunts

orange ladyboy askers grill me no more

about off label rhymes like know it all snots

iv

pong is the moon in this little stanza

he drinks a bit and tokes of the ganga

Billigits claim this verse is even worse

This pen sent them to see Joe Mantegna

the rubaiyat of the billigits part two

i

the wee billigits took a pleasure flight

and far below a remarkable sight

a fair maid sang an invitation to

wuthering wuthering wuthering heights

ii

by name cathy who cast a shadow not

nor by the wind were her long tresses caught

she warmly called to coldy cold heathcliff

a master whom she most greedily sought

iii

on the wily windy moorly moors

the billigits saw the one so adorned

in pinecone ribbon sash chain and jazz hands

they offered aid to their newly adored

iv

the billigits wanted to help her fight

they called out and she looked into the sky

Who are you and what land do you come from

billigits billigits billigits heights

the billgits (translated by dame daisy kloverleaf)