fantasy

the rubaiyat of the billigits: part twenty-three (translated by dame daisy kloverleaf)

i

people do not respect the deadly dead

they treat us as though we profane the bed

so said a ghost in her pique and fury

giving the moving hoof an achy head

ii

you demand to be both feared and adored

whilst you play siren in the haunted moors

yet you criticize the quick for ire

when you tell them they have the souls of whores

iii

ah but those are words writ by scribely droops

cliched villainy oh so scooby doo

whom if born turkeys would surely be jive

no fresh stories since jesus was new

iv

the moving hoof has heard it all before

exaggerations heaped with scorn

like nails and hair of the dead still grow

their pinocchio-noses add more

the rubaiyat of the billigits: part twenty-two (translated by dame daisy kloverleaf)

i

asses to asses honk to honky

we know willie is a magic donkey

and so devoted to his peggy

that he never rolls in drunk and wonky

ii

flying horse donkey and twin mules make four

in their barnhouse the kids were bornly born

a boy and a girl each magic and winged

yet both are muley about homework and chores

iii

asses to asses honk to honky

you know willie’s a family donkey

his wild oatley oats have all been sown

But he has a home bar to get wonky

iv

the billigits say that gin tells the truth

as long as you mix it with good vermouth

the billigits say that gin tells the truth

as long as you mix it with good vermouth…

(repeat final two lines until insanity sets inly in-daisy)

The rubaiyat of the billigits part twenty-one: translated by dame daisy kloverleaf

i

there are certainly more than seven seas

and far more than just seven sins to squeeze

out of one lifely life in the small world

it makes no sensely sense to me daisy

ii

and we have fools who get everything wrong

sea of greed in whom ignorance is strong

they know not pride nor wrath nor gluttony

the baltic is just water in a bong

iii

how was it so much finer yesterday

when nobody could count to eightly eight

and sins and seas were all the samely same

before the beauty of adverbs brought grace

iv

the moving hoof shall beat much morely more

and whence it stomps means it is boredly bored

with sinners and sailors and nincompoops

it shall be named the hoof that roarly roared

the rubaiyat of the billigits part twenty (translated by dame daisy kloverleaf)

i

the wee billigits flew to camelot

cos it sounded like a magical spot

they met arthur merlin and galahad

but neither guinevere nor lancelot

ii

rumors of cheating abounded

the lady of the lake sounded drownded

even excalibur was dulled by truth

bitter cold confoundingly confounded

iii

twas a medieval hank williams hurt song

wife and best friend did the king wrongly wrong

but there are two sides to every love tale

some said arthur lingered at the inn long

iv

the billigits offered to mediate

a settlement they would negotiate

avalon froze and the sky grew heavy

when they told the king he was free to date

the rubiayat of the billigits: part thirteen

(translated by dame daisy kloverleaf)

i

the billigits hootch distillery

makes hundred proof liquid artillery

but it is best to sip it calmly calm

lest you drink yourself onto the pillory

ii

willie donkey downs a quart everyday

he offers some to horses who say neigh

horses are not snobbly snobs or too high

they prefer equine beer made from good hay

iii

there is an e in scotland scotch whiskey

most of the rest go second vowell free

billies spell it w-h-i-s-k-i

and call it whiskigits on delivery

iv

two fingers lead to three sheets in the wind

magic donkeys drink from bucket and bin

lacking fingers they do not much worry

cos it takes hands to carry original sin

the rubaiyat of the billigits: part twelve

(translated by dame daisy kloverleaf)

i

monday billigits are full of faces

eyeing little mirrors in strange places

tuesday billigits listen to grace slick

eyeing small white rabbits in blank spaces

ii

wednesday billigits playin hooky

in pooly pool halls learning snooki

thursday billies say it is snooker

that means hooky hooker cooker cookie

iii

friday billigits are about drinkin

with willie the donkey come home stinkin

saturday gits want the hair of the dog

and magic donkeys are for that thinkin

iv

sunday billigits are free on bail

the night before was quite the third sail

with willie they did paint the town bright blue

magic donkeys never go to jail

the rubaiyat of the billigits: part eleven

(translatedly translated by dame daisy kloverleaf)

i

gather around and you will hearly hear

bout the midnight flight of wasted reindeer

the billigits saw them high in the sky

cupid slurring santa smellin of beer

ii

a snowflake inquisition was brought to wit

called by puritan karen hypocrites

what about our pure children they squealed

whatta bout em mad santa asked quite blitzed

iii

ten months a year we work where it freezes

to make gifts for your spoiled diseases

we do it for free yet you fail to thank

if up to me I’d send you to jesus

iv

the billigits led the big cheer hooray

santa had socked it to that p.t.a.

the snowflake karens slunked off now knowing

that was one elf you do not playly play

the rubaiyat of the billigits: part nine

(faithfully translatedly translated by daisy kloverleaf)

i

it was the mediocrest of timely times

and the billigits wanted better rhymes

the scriv’ner was surly and sensitive

and she cared little about gittly whines

ii

as long as they blend not too horrible

the wee folk should not dare cry doggerel

for i espy on the byline their names

the four infants billigits terrible

iii

the vexed billigits flew off to the bar

with willie the magic donkey right thar

they partied hard in fast sin and sloe gin

When willie left the billies called him squar

iv

never insult a magic donkey

especially at a honky tonkey

unless you are prepared to be kicked long

all the wayly way to old milwaukee

the rubaiyat of the billigits: part eight

(translated by daisy kloverleaf)

i

willie the donkey was an assassin

of character it was his lone passion

he trolled online like a little bastard

til his email was hacked by a russian

ii

willie sang a new song that daily day

he was kind and as sweet as springtime hay

he played the role of the smiling ass

but someone was going to soon pay

iii

willie wandered the backrooms of the net

seeking the russian who owed him the debt

willie found the creep hidingly hiding

he asked to be friends Willie said nyet

iv

our magic donkey has learned a lesson

from bad guy to good and such a blessin’

willie just smiles and shines us on

over alfalfa with russian dressin

the rubaiyat of the billigits: part seven

(translated by daisy cloverleaf)

i

On a dark and stormy nightily night

The sea raged with all its mightily might

The billigits stood on the burning deck

Brave and strong they fought the fightily fight

ii

Willie the donkey was big on duty

he put out the fire in their booty

The billies stood as stoic as ahab

Whilst the magic ass covered the looty

ii

Hark and ahoy and avast scurvy scribe

looty as a word is plain silly jive

Odd thing to say to the moving finger

That choosely chooses the drowned and alive

iv

Willie the magic donkey brayed like a loon

That’s because he is a walking saloon

The fire was out and the timbers shivered

And they made port by the rhyme of the moon