VCQ! (The Spirit Guide of Saragun Springs) Saragun Gazette Column Number Two by Judge Jasper P. Montague, Quillemender

(Ed. Note–Yes, the Judge keeps coming back–LA)

Versatur Circa Quid blinkers!

This week I examine the dipsomaniacal phantom known as the Tippleganger (aka, “Tips” for stumbling tongues). Until a dubious Feline named Rebecca Nurse “accidentally” toppled my gold gilt gavel on my pate from a luggage compartment in a train, which resulted in my infinite transformation, I’d never experienced ill health in my ninety-two years. I attribute that to my round the clock consumption of applejack (for medicinal purposes, mind you), two quarts a day from infancy on. I was born in 1810 (the last of twenty seven–the only to make adulthood), and the water in my home village of Hanged Crone contained so many amoebas that they were visible. My mother understood that applejack neither “moved” nor immediately killed you upon consumption. Therefore the Miracle of Me occurred, perhaps twenty-six instances later than it could have. (We did not know about microbiology, so, the elders–also jack imbibers–figured, naturally, that the moving slime was due to witchery and hanged the unpopular segment of the population.)

Versatur Circa Quid!

Tipplegangers specialize in entering the alcohol weakened minds of the flagrantly fatuous for the purpose of the creation of Big Ideas that lead to “interesting” actions, acts whose attractions vanish upon completion. Tipplegangers prize what they call a heeding. The more heedings a Tip can accumulate the higher in esteem he is amongst his own kind. And yes Virginia, that is sexist language!

Versatur Circa Quid!

Tipplegangers are usually pleased by their results, but really, where is the art equal to that of a phantom such as, say, a Quillemender? What degree of difficulty is accomplished when you convince a backwoods oaf, three days into “corn squeezins,” to strip naked and run inside a church on Sunday morn’ and shout “I’m here for the gang bang, Mister Jesus”? Nae, my underlings, that is poorman’s haunting and not up to the Quillish standard.

Versatur Circa Quid!

“The mayor has announced that Saturday will be the first annual peasant shoot!”

There, my subordinates is subtle Quillemending; only the deletion of an H was needed to cause all kinds of turmoil. In my learned opinion (aka, factual) there is little subtlety in convincing a beer soaked dolt that singing “Endless Love” at three A.M. in the yard of the girl who placed a restraining order* on him earlier in the day is an excellent idea. He actually believed that life was an 80’s movie. And although I keep up on modern times, I plainly understand that people are just as idiotic now as they were then. Regardless, thanks to the dullard’s low tolerance for fermentation, that grave was already dug, the Tip simply rolled the corpse into it and claimed a heeding.

(*Whilst I sat on the bench, the only “restraining orders” involved stocks, rope and chains.)

Versatur Circa Quid!

In summary, the next time you wake and immediately regret posting items such as wondering how Siamese Twins choose which one cleans their shared anus after defecation on your company’s workboard overnight, or similar gems likely to end your employment, rest assured you have heeded a Tippleganger. If a perfectly clean, soberly written, but poorly proofed missive is emended to read equally offensive, you have been blessed by the touch of the Quillemender. Perhaps the difference will not impress the HR department, but you will know.

Versatur Circa Quid!

The Judge

The Saragun Springs Gazette Presents Booze Reevooze by Renfield

(My Imaginary Friend and second in command of the realm, Renfield, has the unique ability to wake after a bout of binge drinking without the slightest trace of a hangover. There are only two ways to avoid the hangover, stay loaded around the clock or be lucky enough to have the constitution of an Imaginary Friend. Now, alcohol still affects her in the usual short term way, which makes her as good a candidate to provide a review every Friday–Leila)

Booze Reevooze by Renfield

Hullo parched readers! Today I examine a classic no longer available on Earth but is (thank Zod) plentiful in Saragun Springs, by name, the legendary Bacardi 151.

Sadly the modern “grown-ups” cannot handle 75.5 proof inflammable rum. The modern day wussieness confounds and embarrasses awesome persons such as myself. Then again anyone who rides a child’s scooter to work while huffing on something that produces an odor similar to blackberry jam probably shouldn’t be messing with the hard stuff.

I like my 151 with Coke. As always I will voice dictate my experience as I work my way down the bottle. Now, as I pour my first drink, I can just smell flames of inebriation wanting to burst.

Mmmmmmm…talk about smooth–hoo wee. Oh yes, there’s nothing like beginning a day with a bottle on an empty stomach. Allow me to refill my glass and catch a toasty mental wave.

Sorry gang but I snuckered one without recording it. Such awesomenicity.

Three in row brings the visions! Ho Zod! You know, I was at the bar the other day, right? Just sittin there and this Horse comes up and sez “Hey baby.” I told him fuck off, but all lady like. But no, turns out he had a lisp and said “hay bale, pleeze” to the beerkeep. I went with the sorries and sprung for an alfalfalafa shooter.

Five alive, not even half an hour! New record…What was I sying–um, saying? Oh yeah on a scale of one-ten I give Ronnie B. here a, what else, 151! Zoddamnit!!!

I tell ya bout the Horse? I think I did. Big ol sum bitch. Anyway, I don’t feel like talking right now….got sum serious drink on…

Come back nest wick and learn about Missississississippi corn squeezins….

Renfield

(Second Ed. Note–This is the longest Booze Reevooze to date. The writer usually cracks the seal of the bottle, says hello and forgets about the column in about a hundred words. So she goes-LA)

The Saragun Gazette Presents Versatur Circa Quid by Judge Jaspar Montague, Quillemender

(Ed. note– Today and tomorrow we will share columns written by two members of the Springs for our daily paper The Saragun Gazette. These little columns are obviously inpsired by the Drifter who appears on this site every Sunday.

Today we present the first Gazette column written by the late Judge Jasper P. Montague, Quillemender. The Judge is my Great Great Great Great Grandfather (1810-1902). Since 1902 he has been a Spirit who never lets anyone forget it. The Judge “resides” in a gold gilt presentation gavel, which was given to him after nearly seventy years on the bench in Wiccanfire County, Massachusetts. Versatur Circa Quid was inscribed on it by his peers. Allegedly it is Latin for “what comes round goes round” and is the name of the Judge’s literary contribution to journalism. You will notice he uses the phrase aplenty and then some. Although some might not be pleased to be summed up by such a vague sentiment, it appeals to the Judge. –Leila)

Versatur Circa Quid! (A Staggeringly Brilliant Guide to the Spirit Community of Saragun Springs)

By Judge Jasper P. Montague, Quillemender

Versatur Circa Quid! breathers!

This week I shall opine and inform my readership on the subject of the humble Footfallfollower–commonly known as the 3F. He is a maligned Spirit accused of having a surfeit of laziness and a stunning shortage of gumption, style, wit and imagination.

The biggest problem facing the 3F is the accusations are true. Sadly, everything that lives becomes a ghost equal to the task of death as they were of use in life. Therefore it should not shock anyone to learn that the only thing the 3F’s have going for them is the largest Spirit population. Naturally this is because most people are painfully stupid.

Versatur Circa Quid!

Regardless, the first and last that 3F’s do is create an extra footfall inside cemeteries. You walk along, stop and you hear one extra step. Nothing else happens. Moreover such is seldom noticed. It would be base canard to describe another Spirit as having such shabby craft. Yet the 3F’s do not care. Leila calls them “the juggalo ghosts.” Upon studying the subject I must agree.

Still, being Spirits I feel obligated to give my priceless charity to the willingly unwashed from time to time. But really, I feel that comparing someone who produces a single extra foot step inside a cemetery to the wonders of, say, a Quillemender, requires more attention be paid to the Quill than the 3F.

Versatur Circa Quid!

Even a Footfollower knows that we Quillemenders reorganize extant written passages, without the original author’s knowledge. We greatly improve letters; via our alchemy pedestrian gibberish is transformed into sterling prose. Thermal dynamics, not insipid incantations, allow us to accomplish our art. But since most of you are obviously 3F timber, I will attempt to impress no further science on you.

You are welcome.

Versatur Circa Quid!

As a Quill, I must constantly evolve with technology. When I started after my decease in 1902, missives were written by hand or with crude typing machines that few dolts could afford let alone master. Books and newspapers, of course, were done by the printing press. Today there is room for legions of Quills to reside in various electronic devices; virtual lettering is ridiculously simple to emend, and proofing (and spelling) seems to be a thing of the past. Unfortunately there’s a shortage of intellects among the living suitable to be a Quillemender, but we the grand few persevere with tarty elan.

Behold! “The secretary told the assembly he was inclined to do a bit of fucking.” An Irish Quill got that jewel into the London Times in the 19th century. It remains a hall of fame bit of Quillemending. And it is the standard we strive to meet today.

Versatur Circa Quid!

Alas and alack, how does adding an extra “clonk” that rarely matches the tone of a footfall compare?

But if you need to meet a common Footfallfollower (perhaps seeking a glimpse of your future), go to any cemetery, walk the stone path, stop and listen. On any given day you will hear single thuds emanating from many graves. But when you wish to seek the inspiring awe and majesty of a Quillemender, revisit certain emails you sent your boss last week prior to your unexpected “downsizing.”

Versatur Circa Quid!

Your Master,

Judge Jasper P. Montague, Quillemender

Saragun Civil War Poems: Day Two

Day Two of the Saragun Pygmy Goat v. Lamb Civil Poem Smackdown (please note, each poem contains quatrains but the number of quatrains varies. Moreover, some may question why one Goat will take on an entire species. Good question. )

Leila

“Woolly Mam-Mouth” by Dame Daisy

i

There was once a useless goofball named Joe

Who fell in deep love with a Doely Doe

Mauve was a Deer three times his sizely size

And he a Lamb quite dumb and googly eyed

ii

Joe did not know Mauve was a Deerly Deer

He thought she was a Lamb all sheerly sheared

No other Lamb could steer Joe to the truth

For the species has the IQ of vermouth

“Goats Float” by the Lambs

i

There is a Pygmy Goatess named Daisy

Her mind is cluttered and oh so lazy

She goes around besmirching her betters

And says Lambs cannot match her in letters

ii

Within the cluster of adverbs she slings

Fallacies as mean as Bumble Bee stings

Daisy continues to vex our highness

Who will rise and whip Goatly behindness

Saragun Verse: Civil War for August

The Poems of the Saragun Civil War by Dame Daisy and Various Lambs

Introduction

The Poems of the Saragun Civil War between Goats and Lambs are presented this week. Everyday we will feature a poem by the Pygmy Goatess Dame Daisy Kloverleaf that she sent the Lambs of the Lambystan community in Saragun Springs and the reply poem from the Lambs, ostensibly written by their leader, but it appears that it was a team effort. This was perhaps the only Civil War in history that never escalated to violence. To paraphrase Sandberg, “We held a war but everyone went to lunch.” But, to quoth Daisy. “It was hotly hot by word.”

Leila

The First Pair of War Poems

“Haggisly” by Dame Daisy Kloverleaf

i

Little Lambs O little Lambs, thou annoy

Goatly measures of pride with silly ploys

It is so clear that you don’t give a damb

About becoming humble Ewes and Rams

ii

The cold hearted dastardly deedly deeds

That invade the garden of my sweet ease

Will not by I be soonly forgotten

Each of you is an apple quite rotten

iii

By the hot beat of my hooves I proclaim

This meadow will never be samely same

Until you recant calling me sour feta

Soonerly soon than laterly latuh

“Our Reply” by Shaytan Shotten, Viceroy of Lambystan

i

O dope Goatess who’s hardly the mostest

Everything you say does so offend us

The name of your “pomely” poem perchance

Infuriates the demons of Sheep dance

ii

I am spelling as slowly as I can

We know your mind is like a can of spam

You hold onto the stupid stuff you think

Forcing the best of us to smell the stink

iii

By ruminancy powers we declare

You will surrender your foul underwear

After we win the day on the field

Mighty Lambystan shall never yield!

Afterword

Well, there you have the flavor of the struggle.

L.A.

Ode To Forage by The Moving Hoof

*

You ask why I love alfalfa and hay,

Apples, celery, barley and salt lick;

Peas, carrots and the darling legumes of May

But ne’er nasty corn dogs on a stick

*

I’ve heard all the rumors about my breed

We eat tin cans and other vile stuff

Let me set you straight our food is from seed

As you are what you eat, talking cheese puff

*

Bean sprouts singly sing a beckoning song

But not for humans who store them dumbly

We Goats wonder how you get them so wrong

E coli from shoots? the heart beats glumly

*

My fey sonnet began with a question

The answer is natural selection

The Continuing Rubaiyat of Saragun Springs by The Moving Hoof (translated by Leila Allison)

(Note–Daisy has acquired a Penname. As you have guessed it is “The Moving Hoof.” She is now, as she just informed me, Dame Daisy Cloverleaf-Kloverleaf, the Goatess of GOAT and The Moving Hoof. A gallon of vodka weighs more than The Moving Hoof yet it contains only half as many delusions–LA)

i

Buckfast Geeply Geep is my half brother

Same Goat father, a Sheeply Sheep mother

You can usually find him at the track

Wagering hobnobs on a good mudder

ii

Hobknobs are the coin of the multiverse

They have value everywhere but earth

Whereas the billions of Musty Musk

Wouldn’t rate a spoonful of Saragun dirt

iii

Buckfast loves to bet on the Peonies

Racing flowers raised by Magic Donkeys

On quick moving blooms they rush gate to gate

Encouraged by sweet Butterfly jockeys

iv

Being a Geep is a million to few

Ram and Nanny or Billy and Ewely Ewe

Not Bob and Carol nor Ted and Alice

Will land their offspring at the petting zoo

Saragun Verse: Moonfog Madrone (part two)

i

Moonfog Madrone formed a spell

From holy words and threats of hell

It spread across the fallow field

And got inside a church bell’s peal

ii

“Come forth my lovelies the bell sang;

Come home to whence thou sprang.”

And come they did, ghost flowers and trees

Spirits of birds and honeybees

iii

The procession lasted two days one night

The field became a phantasmic delight

Spirit birds sang cemetery songs

In an elysian spring forever long

You Remembered Everything: Chapter Three

Chapter Three

21 June 1943

The Legend of Emma Withe (Part One)

The morning paper was the usual dog of war. Other than a follow-up article about a peculiar fire at the Dow Hotel, the Charleston Sun was, as always, heavy with the blare and thump of the trumpets and drums of war. And there were the usual op-ed pieces that scolded the young men who were “waiting for an invitation to the party” instead of volunteering to defend the land of the free, home of the brave and so forth. Emma felt that these writings would carry more weight if not written by men who were safely exempt from service on account of age. Moreover, it should have been noted by the writers that most of the men of service age in Charleston were there to build and refit warships at the Puget Sound Naval Shipyard. At seventy-one, Emma long knew that there were few things on earth more tiresome than an old man who has something to say.

With great reluctance, Emma turned to a quieter page in the paper. Running her finger down the updated casualty list (even the smallest communities had such a list), she waited for her heart to snag on a half-forgotten name as it had six times in the past year and a half. Whenever Emma found one of those snags, she’d send her mind back to when the dead soldier was a boy and she was his teacher at Charleston Elementary. She would endeavor to remember a day when the boy had seemed at his happiest, then she’d seal that memory in her heart and never think about the boy again.

There hadn’t been any snag in that week’s list. Emma sighed and rolled a cigarette. She pitied the boys on the list who had not been her pupils, but she had no space in her heart for them. Their deaths (which probably did not occur with the blare and thump of trumpets and drums) were just faceless redundancies to her, as they were to most everyone else. True–each had been a person with his families and friends and likes and dislikes; hopes and dreams. No disputing that. But there were just so damned many of them; lives stamped out short by foreign events already begun while they were still children. And as scarcity drives up value, a glut drops the price. A similar economy guided Emma’s heart; and she could only invest–however briefly–in the boys who had attended her fourth-grade class at Charleston. Even in retirement she could not afford to dwell long on such dark matters.

Emma laid the newspaper aside. She had a second dreary matter to dispense with.

For two weeks, Margaret’s letter had followed Emma around her rooms like a stray dog. For the first week it was stuffed inside a drawer. Unfortunately, Emma never realized just how often she needed to get into that drawer. Emma had hoped that the top cupboard would take the letter in and give it the same air of urgency that Christmas decorations have in the summertime. But the relocation to Emma’s version of Siberia proved ill-timed, for it coincided with the cupboard’s hitherto unknown busy season. And every time Emma found herself teetering on the stool, seeking out some suddenly required item, the letter wafted down onto the counter. Inexorably, Margaret’s letter found its way on to the table, the final stop.

Lewis had wondered why she just didn’t just burn the letter unopened. “That way it won’t be a bother to you.”

But that was Lewis, dear and sweet. Still a lap cat to her, even after all these years.

Always helpful, always caring, always advising. Poor Lewis. Never that helpful, caring, nor wise unto his own affairs. A buffoon, really. Lewis was too sincere to have prospered. But Lewis was the one person Emma wished to outlive; her death would hurt him immeasurably.

“All right Peggy,” Emma laughed, for the third to the last time in her life, “you win.” If it were only Peggy who had written this, she thought, knowing better, but hoping right along. Peggy was the sort of girl who’d rub daisies on her letters to “AMERICA, U.S.A.” How Emma lived for those correspondences from London. Home. Whenever she got a letter from Peggy, Emma would tear it open on the spot and hold it up against her nose; and somehow the seven thousand miles lying between Emma and her little sister were eliminated. Emma had promised to send for Peggy, someday. But promises have a knack of making liars of us all. By the time Emma finally relented and opened Margaret’s letter, forty-three years had passed since they had seen one another. And in that space of time, much had happened to both. Too much, to be honest. Little Peggy was all gone. In her place there was Margaret, which would’ve been fine if Margaret hadn’t grown up to be such a strange, one-note woman, who, like clockwork, sent equally strange, one-note letters every six months.

The letter was, as Emma had feared, all-Margaret. No “Dearest Sissy”; no stale, yet wondrous scent of daisies (which Emma allowed would have been peculiar to find in a letter sent by a fifty-four year old woman); no hint of Peggy. Like the Sun, the letter was thick with war; but not even an event as momentous as the Second World War could take the spotlight off God when Margaret wrote Emma her bi-yearly letters:

“…God found England Decadent. He commanded Satan to marshal the Nazis to smite England for its Wickedness…A Bright Day cometh, Emmalene! Our Homeland has seen the Evil of its ways! Soon She shall rise again! Come Home to God, Emmalene. Take Jesus back into your Heart! and we shall Rejoice Together! Evermore in Heaven!…”

That was the general smell of the thing. Although Emma had no reason to believe that Peggy might crawl out of Margaret like a survivor emerging from the rubble long after her empty casket had been laid into her grave, Emma always had her hopes. And no matter how many times Emma sealed Peggy into the vault, that winsome, beloved phantom always found a way to slip her chains. Emma carried Margaret’s letter to the sink. She held it by a corner, like one might hold a dead rat by its tail. She then put a match to it, and held it until she was certain that the fire wouldn’t go out when she dropped it into the basin.

The flames reminded Emma about the queer fire that had happened three nights earlier at the Dow Hotel. The blaze was confined to a single room and had taken the life of a woman. To Lewis, and half of Charleston (the other half had yet to hear), “confined” was an understatement.

“I got it all out of Joe Parnell,” Lewis, a most credulous sort of man, said, in reference to an ex-dentist who served as Deputy Coroner. “Told me if I breathed a word that he’d deny he ever said it… Told me that it was off the record.”

To which Emma smiled. Telling Lewis anything worthwhile or interesting was the same as publishing it in the Sun (which, to its credit, never ran the unsavory rumor that clung to the story–but did print an awful lot of follow up stories about the fire’s lone victim).

“’Spontaneous combustion,’” Emma said, laughing for the second to the last time in her life; echoing the thing Lewis had told her, and watching Margaret’s letter burn into Peggy’s ashes.

“Sister dear,” she said, “if not Heaven, then where else shall we meet?”

****

Emma had no plans to visit Mary in New Town Cemetery that day, even in retirement she remained a slave to routine. It was Monday, and she had gone the day before; for that is what she did on Sunday. And yet there she was, fully aware of the day, but not questioning why she had automatically walked to New Town instead of the Park Avenue Diner, where she ate lunch six days a week. It was through she had been guided like a sheep and was just as unquestioning as livestock. It was not until after death that she finally approached the why of the thing and, even more importantly, how and who?

Again, there she was standing at the foot of the Withe family plot. Which contained Mary’s grave and that of Emma’s departed and never missed husband, Robert. There lay an already paid for empty space between them.

Mary Elizabeth Withe

1900-1906

Here Lies a Mother’s Heart

Although it had been exposed to thirty seven years of weather, Mary’s headstone was polished and in all ways kept immaculate. Nary a finger of moss had invaded a letter, nor were weeds allowed to take root in the plot. Emma had twiced replaced the stone when the inevitable cracks had formed and figured she should do it again, before it was too late. Robert’s grave was untended and looked like something that had been ignored since it was filled in 1908.

Emma had complete control of her emotions. Hurtful memories could not sneak up on her. She could only experience emotions when she wanted to; only when she let them out of their cells. Mary’s death had changed Emma. It made her cold and ruthless, but only on the inside, for she was able to affect an acceptable, though aloof demeanor; her insensitivity, however, did not extend to children, or to persons such as Lewis who had something good and childlike about him that survived the push to adulthood.

Thus, she allowed herself to feel Mary only on special occasions. Regardless, at all times what passed between Emma and Mary’s memory lay beyond the reach of anyone else’s power of description. She had no feelings about Robert’s grave, nor her part in filling it. He was a closed book never to be reopened.

Upon gazing at Mary’s stone, strange emotions, lacking enough substance to gather into thoughts, began to swirl in Emma’s mind; a blizzard of half thoughts and indescribable feelings. I know thisI know all about this–why can’t I remember? She saw a small party of people moving toward her, and the sun began to move crazily in the sky, east to west with stunning speed, night and day alternating and gaining and gaining until it was all a blur. And numbers entered her thoughts: she first saw the meaningless number 20,058 and watched it reduce by one at a time with the same velocity the whipping sun marked new days.  It stopped at one. Then Emma laughed for the last time in her life. It was all clear to her. I remembered everything. But she didn’t remember everything long. A tremendous flash burst inside her head. The left side of her body died milliseconds before the rest; she fell in that direction, striking her head on Mary’s stone.

And somewhere, where cosmic records are kept, Emma’s one became zero. Yet that too wouldn’t last long.

(Author’s note. The image is obviously not June, unless at the poles. But I like it. LA)

End chapter three

Saragun Verse: Moonfog Madrone (part one)

1

Moonfog Madrone the Enchanted Tree

Wakes every morn for an hour at three

His branches like arms do mischief make

And mischief like weather his neighbors take

2

A poser Spruce rose up from the earth

“Scu-reew you Moonfog and your magic mirth;

You’re twisted like a crone all haggard and bent;

The best of your sap already spent.”

3

Moonfog Madrone woke at three

And listened to what the Spruce told his leaves

“Silly fool spoke when he thought I was asleep;

Forgiveness is divine but not root deep.”

4

A Spruce stump greeted the morning sun

O! Moonfog Madrone what hast thou done?

And the village was thoroughly amazed

By a rain of toothpicks lasting three days.