(My Imaginary Friend and second in command of the realm, Renfield, has the unique ability to wake after a bout of binge drinking without the slightest trace of a hangover. There are only two ways to avoid the hangover, stay loaded around the clock or be lucky enough to have the constitution of an Imaginary Friend. Now, alcohol still affects her in the usual short term way, which makes her as good a candidate to provide a review every Friday–Leila)
Booze Reevooze by Renfield
Hullo parched readers! Today I examine a classic no longer available on Earth but is (thank Zod) plentiful in Saragun Springs, by name, the legendary Bacardi 151.
Sadly the modern “grown-ups” cannot handle 75.5 proof inflammable rum. The modern day wussieness confounds and embarrasses awesome persons such as myself. Then again anyone who rides a child’s scooter to work while huffing on something that produces an odor similar to blackberry jam probably shouldn’t be messing with the hard stuff.
I like my 151 with Coke. As always I will voice dictate my experience as I work my way down the bottle. Now, as I pour my first drink, I can just smell flames of inebriation wanting to burst.
Mmmmmmm…talk about smooth–hoo wee. Oh yes, there’s nothing like beginning a day with a bottle on an empty stomach. Allow me to refill my glass and catch a toasty mental wave.
Sorry gang but I snuckered one without recording it. Such awesomenicity.
Three in row brings the visions! Ho Zod! You know, I was at the bar the other day, right? Just sittin there and this Horse comes up and sez “Hey baby.” I told him fuck off, but all lady like. But no, turns out he had a lisp and said “hay bale, pleeze” to the beerkeep. I went with the sorries and sprung for an alfalfalafa shooter.
Five alive, not even half an hour! New record…What was I sying–um, saying? Oh yeah on a scale of one-ten I give Ronnie B. here a, what else, 151! Zoddamnit!!!
I tell ya bout the Horse? I think I did. Big ol sum bitch. Anyway, I don’t feel like talking right now….got sum serious drink on…
Come back nest wick and learn about Missississississippi corn squeezins….
Renfield
(Second Ed. Note–This is the longest Booze Reevooze to date. The writer usually cracks the seal of the bottle, says hello and forgets about the column in about a hundred words. So she goes-LA)
Saragun Springs 
Hilarious. dd
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Thenk yoo
I tell ya bout dee Horse? Shur…I did…
Renfiled…Renfield
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I wonder if you should have a little lie down?
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Yes, Renfield went nighty night.
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Very good! Next time, maybe ask Renfield to do a Booze Reevooze of two of my favorite libations of my yout’ , namely Rock & Rye and the ineffable Kroger “BEER” in the plain white cans. I didn’t know you couldn’t get 151 anymore; that’s alarming. Do the still make Everclear?
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Hi Bill
When I was young you had to go to Montana to buy Everclear because it was illegal in Washington state. It became a mythic thing like Hemingway’s absinthe. Never tried it myself, then again I didn’t see a big need to drive to Montana while 151 was available.
Thank you!
Leila
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I recall one of my darker days which I lived in a huge, 3-story college house in Illinois. One afternoon I had had words with a housemate (I know, it’s hard to imagine me as contentious). I imbibed a generous amount of Everclear at around 2am and grabbed my saber (I was into fencing at the time, believe it or not) and went prowling through the house, determined to have it out with them. Yikes! Not catching them probably saved me from prison–or getting my ass kicked.
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Hi Bill
Further proof that
95% alcohol is a dangerous thing indeed!
Leila
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LA
While Renfield sleeps it off, I wish to applaud Leila Allison’s immense variety and vitality as a writer, amply on display this week.
While I understand that all the creatures of the realm are fully autonomous beings, it’s wild to think they all began life as nothing more than figments of their creator’s imagination. What a wonderful example of what words and imagination can do when paired together.
Rock on straight toward literary immortality!
DB
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Thank you Dale
Giving literal Free Will (not the church version, which is a threat) results in “interesting” occurances.
Thanks again!
Leila
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Think if I had everclear I wouldn’t remember it or anything from that week. Only been twice black drunk that I’ve been told about, couldn’t remember. As I later learned memories are not formed in that state.
Just four more words: peach vodka chocolate martini
Mirthless Mr being sent to Sunset City
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Hi Doug
I am glad that it is still illegal in Washington. Of course party school Wazu is only a few miles from Idaho, where just about every dangerous thing is legal.
Leila
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