Old by Doug Hawley

The Perfect Couple

Everyone thought that Janet and Mike Wilkie were the perfect couple, and with good reason. Both of them were as close to physically perfect as imaginable. Janet was a tall Filipina – Irish mix and Mike was Italian – German. She was 5’8” and model attractive and he was 6’3” and could have done ads in Esquire. Both were athletic, she was a distance swimmer who had swum the Bosporus and he had been drafted as a point guard for the Boston Celtics, but decided to start his own business.

While Mike was perfecting his electronic empire, Gold, which rivaled Apple or Microsoft, Janet had moved from local showings of her paintings to achieving huge success in New York and other world capitals. Many of her works of neo-impressionism, or as they came to be known to those who lusted for neologisms, heightened reality, appeared in the halls of major corporations. Her paintings, according to one critic “looked more real than real”.

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Personals by Doug Hawley

W4M – Boyfriend wanted

Me – 300 pounds BBW. HSV positive. Fore kids with five differint fathers.

U – 6’2” to 6’5” athletec, edjucated perfessional generous$ gentleman to take me shopping n diner, then well see how it goes. Gross picture deleted.

M4M – ISO Str8 married guy

Kik me for a good time.

M4W – Let me rock your world

Look at this. obscene picture deleted .

M4W – Looking for a discrete affair

Handsome professional man wanting to get a little on the side. Helps if you are married too. obscene picture deleted.

W4M – Want late night fun.

I have low self esteem. Please demean me and my children. Call me a _______ ___ while ______ on me. Must be respectful non-smoker and DDF.

MW4W – Unicorn wanted

Successful, happy couple looking for a third to complete our marriage. Must be beautiful, 25-32, and willing to clean house. Fake picture deleted

W4MMMM – Hope to do this soon

Open to anybody to do anything. Do not be concerned about my husband with the gun; it is only for my security. He’ll just be watching and filming. Fake picture deleted

M4W – ISO Cougar

Buy me dinner and we’ll see how thing go.

W4M Ready to party go fast now

Bring party favors. You’ll need to give me a credit card to be able to verify your identity.

MW4MW Full Swap

Must be young, attractive & fit. Bring Tina and Air Blast for PnP. Non-smokers only.

W4M – Missed connection. I saw you at the checkout at Albertsons. You look like you are about 30 with long blond hair. You were dressed in black pants and white shirt. You were with a woman about your age and three children. You were buying food, tampons and panties. I was in the next lane over, the short, chubby woman in red, and didn’t get a chance to talk to you even though we exchanged glances. Are you single? If yes, I would like to bear your children. 10 year old picture of someone else deleted.

Bio: Doug Hawley is a little old man who lives in Lake Oswego, Oregon USA with editor, picture taker and musician Sharon.  Previously he taught math and was an actuary.  Now he volunteers at a non-profit bookstore Booktique in support of his local library and volunteers at his local park Tryon.  He was inspired to restart writing by reading “Wild” by local author” Cheryl Strayed”.  His stories in many fiction and non-fiction areas have been published in several journals as indicated on his website.

Catch up with Doug’s work in  a variety of genres, lengths and humo(u)r at (ahem) https://sites.google.com/site/aberrantword/

Twit @dougiamm

Furry Companions by Doug Hawley

Furry Companions

I’m sort of named after my dad’s favorite dog Duke. My mother thought Doug was a close, but more reasonable name. Now my male main characters are frequently named Duke. Our family had an early dog name Cocoa who died too soon. After that it’s been all cats. We got to witness the miracle of birth up close, and the sad act of a mother cat carrying her dead kitten after birth. Worse, since we had outdoor cats and lived on a busy street, many of them were hit and killed. I buried one in the backyard. I don’t remember the individuals much, but I know one was a calico called Sophie Hergenmergen.. Most if not all were female.

Much later live in editor Sharon’s sister had a cat named Frodo (not a fan of the name) she couldn’t keep, so we got our first of a long line of cats. Based on his ears and fangs, I converted him to Batface. He was one fine cat, with one big failing. While ball bearing he got into fights with other cats he turned tail, which was bitten, and spent time getting patched up at the vet. He may not have been much of fighter or a lover, so we got him fixed. We got him in Denver, and he traveled with us to Los Angeles and the Bay Area. He was an outdoor cat and would visit with the people that walked past the places where we lived. He was a cool cat. He decided to go live with other people for a while, but we retrieved him. We had this act which had him lying on his back on my arm held out level with my shoulder. While in California I woke up one morning to two Batfaces. On closer inspection I found out his doppelganger was a skinnier lookalike that had broken in. In the summer in Colorado, we’d let a moth in and trap it in a small room. When we let him in, he’d go in and get it, then come out with it in his mouth like and electric bowtie. He was a relaxed dude and friendly with people. In his last home, we started to keep him in the house, but I slipped up and let him out one night. He came back a couple of days later, beaten up. After I left town on business, I got the phone call that he had died. Couldn’t help but cry.

He was such a good cat, he was replaced by two – Pooch a gray tabby, and Boots who was mostly black, but had white feet and tie. After Pooch came home from the vet where she was neutered, he tried to mount her. After that she dominated him. If he was in a lap, she could kick him out if she wanted the lap. She also would meow us goodbye. I could trade “goodbye” to her “meow” for quite a while until she got tired of it. Both of them were indoor cats after losing Batface to his outdoor adventure. Boots had a heart problem and fell off our credenza dead one morning. Pooch lived to be twenty and a half and made moves with us until the place where we live now in Lake Oswego Oregon.

We were introduced to Orville (named after Orville Redenbacher of popcorn fame) because of his reddish/orange back. Orville would run ahead of us while we were walking and then fall on his back. I wonder about that cat behavior – isn’t it dangerous for the cat? Legend has it that he had roamed the neighborhood for years, and left his first home when it got a dog. This went on for a while, and then his people died. Because we had indoor cats that weren’t looking for another cat, he became our outdoor cat. We weren’t too surprised when he moved across the street. We were sorry to see him fade away in their yard.

Harriett, the hairy pet, lost her person and we were persuaded to take her in. She was one calm cookie. Other cats when carried up stairs always freaked, but she was cool. She was not very active, but good company. When she slept beside me, she would face the opposite direction. Was it my breath? She only lasted a couple of years.

We got Kitzhaber, formerly Honey, a little like we got Harriett. His person had dementia and couldn’t keep him. I had been calling him Kitz at a time our governor was John Kitzhaber, a bad governor. I decided Kitz would also be a bad governor so I called him Kitzhaber. Kitz liked editor better, but we got along sometimes. He was forced to be an indoor cat, something he tried to escape, and did at least a couple of times. He broke out of an upstairs window, rolled off the roof, and beat it. Later he was captured across the street in a raccoon trap. He spent a lot of time in editor’s lap. We got him to exercise some with a laser pen. A couple of years ago, he started to fade from a bad heart. We both have heart murmurs so we could bond over that. He also started leaving us dark torpedo shaped gifts outside his litter box. Before we had him put to sleep, I picked him up for the last time and he died. I think we won’t have another.

Conservative? by Doug Hawley

Conservative?

A recent president of the United States has been mislabeled a conservative. It could be because he claims to be a Republican which is supposed to be the conservative party.

I’ve heard that he ran as a Republican despite having been a registered Democrat because he knew he wouldn’t win as a Democrat in the unlikely event of him being so nominated. He is only loyal to himself.

Conservatives are states’ rights believers, but he will send in unwanted federal troops or nationalize state’s guard (Oregon, California) when he feels like it.

Conservatives stand for fiscal responsibility. He intends to produce many more trillions in deficit as he did the last time around.

Radical changes are not conservative. He has recklessly cut programs and workers with very little planning or thought. Other presidents have pruned government, but with care.

Tariff wars are not only against the conservative idea of buying where things are cheapest, but could easily cause a recession.

He is about as radical socially as any president has been:

Three wives so far. Plenty of adultery.

Paid big money for sex with a well known adult actress. She has dissed his male parts.

He has gold furniture where he lived. Definitely not conservative.

His current wife did damage to the White House grounds.

His association with Jeffrey Epstein and the “Grab them by the pussy” tape show someone who is not conservative or normal.

Stupidity, narcissism, and rage tweeting are not conservative characteristics, but they define him.

It’s a Mystery to Me by Doug Hawley

It’s a Mystery to me

Real Ones

Dashiell Hammett is famous for The Maltese Falcon and the Thin Man Series. Not remembered today, but Red Harvest is an example of something different from him. It happens in Poisonville / Personville (fictionalized Butte Montana) where crime ran rampant in the street. Most crime stories and mysteries have involved a single bad guy or a small gang. Hammett was a leftist, but worked for the Pinkertons which were sometimes involved in strike breaking, which was an obvious conflict. Later in life he was jailed for his beliefs.

It was not a major story, but he wrote something which involved a suspect who was obviously guilty. Unlike most stories of the time, he was guilty. That was the twist.

He led an odd life. He was a Catholic who remained married to his only wife despite spending little time with her, partially due to his tuberculosis. He is known for helping the career of Lillian Hellman. Despite his tuberculosis, he served in both WWI and WWII.

The Maltese Falcon was filmed twice; the best known starred Humphrey Bogart. It was parodied in The Black Bird, a 1975 movie with George Segal. The Thin Man 1934 movie was followed by five sequels.

Hammett introduced his never named short pudgy Continental Op in early stories, the famous Sam Spade with the satanic face in The Maltese Falcon, and of course Nick and Nora in the Thin Man (Nick was not the thin man, it was the corpse).

P D. James (Dame Phyllis) like Hammett knew what she was doing. Her husband was an invalid and she worked in civil service to support the family and she understood courts. I had the good fortune to attend one of her book readings. She had two lead characters, Inspector Adam Dalgliesh and Cordelia Gray. Perhaps due to her background, like Ross MacDonald, her stories were more about the consequences of murder than finding the guilty party. She had a series featuring Dalgliesh on and a production of Death Comes To Pemberley on PBS. She was criticized for only featuring murders among prominent people. Her response was something like common crime is not interesting.

She had one variation from her crime stories which may have been based on the decline in sperm in western society. The Children Of Men posited that men no longer produced sperm. The elderly were encouraged to commit state sanctioned suicide because they were a burden without the young. JD Vance and others would have loved the plot. The race was on for a rumored pregnancy which might save the world. The unfortunate movie version concentrated on violence.

The Santa Teresa Ones

Ross MacDonald was born Kenneth Millar in Canada. His private detective Lew Archer is based in Santa Teresa (thinly disguised Santa Barbara California where MacDonald lived). His wife Margaret Millar was also a mystery writer. Lew Archer was his private detective, who was named Harper in The Moving Target, and The Drowning Pool starring Paul Newman. Newman thought the character’s name should start with an H after his success with Hud.

MacDonald’s stories were more mainstream literature than most mystery writers, and he wanted to do scholarly studies, but not much came of it. Like Dame Phyllis, his stories were not hard boiled but reached back to events in the past that erupted in the present.

MacDonald suffered criticism from John D. MacDonald, also a crime novelist, because a Ross story had a color in the title which was a John D. signature, and his name similarity. His life had its share of tragedies. His daughter died young, and MacDonald slipped into dementia later in life, which was doubly sad because of his gift with words. He never got a chance to write scholarly pieces.

Sue Grafton also lived in Santa Barbara, but her character Kinsey Millhone followed Ross MacDonald and was located in Santa Teresa. Millhone has a lot of mundane tasks like keeping her old VW going, eating at a local restaurant, and paperwork, but gets beat up and has sexual encounters like her male book PI brethren. Her series went through the alphabet “A is For Alibi” to “Y is for Yesterday”. Her disappointed fans never got to Z because she died after Y and forbad anyone to continue the series.

The Twisted Ones

Patricia Highsmith is known for “Strangers On A Train” and the Ripliad, her series about an immoral murderer Tom Ripley. She was an aggressive Lesbian, but tried conversion therapy, and didn’t seem to care for anyone. I may not be reading her books correctly, but they seem to have things happen without obvious emotion or motivation. The movie “Strangers On A Train” had a standard happy ending, whereas the book ended in a double murder. Her first work was in comics. She wrote many animal stories which she may have liked better than people. Much of her life was spent in Europe and she tried to smuggle snails under her blouse between countries. Late breaking coincidence – local burger stand has a Ripliad beer.

Jim Thompson was interested in abnormal psychology and may have been depressed. In early life he failed at employment in the oil industry. It may not connected to his writing, but he was an alcoholic and a leftist as was Hammett. His hard early life in Nebraska shows up in his books which were violent and featured people with no redeeming features (compare with Patricia Highsmith). He has been more popular after most of his books were written. I’ve seen and / or read:

The Killer Inside Me – Several killed at what was supposed to be a celebration

After Dark My Sweet – A femme fatale and murder

The Grifters – Twisted mother and son frauds

The Getaway – Starts off as a standard crime novel, ends in fantasy land south of the border.

Raymond Chandler

He was a drinker, lived in Nebraska for a while, and worked in the oil industry. Sound familiar? His protagonist was Phillip Marlowe. He would say “Marlowe, like the poet”. He learned about writing mysteries by reading them. He would patch together a novel from pieces of his short stories, which made the stories hard to follow. They had loose ends and might not clear up who did what. Women were usually the murderers.

His personal life was strange – despite his books, he was a prude who didn’t get married until late and then to a much older widow. He had criticized Ross MacDonald which probably caused MacDonald to write a character who married his mother, an implied criticism of Chandler.

He will always be remembered for “The Big Sleep”. “Farewell My Lovely”, “The Lady In The Lake”, and “The Long Goodbye” were all made into movies.

Note – This is patched together from books and movies from the authors, biographies of them, and other sources. Because the Men In Black have corrupted my memory, feel free to correct any of my error and comment or add to the narrative. I didn’t include pioneers in the field like Poe and Conan Doyle, or the newer writers – newer to me is the last forty years. This will be put into my blog, and it will be expanded and corrected as time permits.

Doug Hawley Week in Saragun Springs

Introduction

I want to thank Doug Hawley for accepting the open invitation to Saragun Springs. I would go to a lengthy introduction, but through his words, I feel, Doug does a great job introducing himself. There is a fine line between being a wise curmudgeon and a pain in the ass, and I find that Doug keeps (mostly) on the correct side of that divide. Of course you would not be reading this if I thought otherwise. We welcome you to his world beginning today and on through Friday.

Leila

Mr. Writer

Fran Leibowitz wrote an honest book in 1981 which told it as it is. Homosexuals are well over represented in the arts, not that there is anything wrong with that. They earned it with talent. That isn’t the point I want to make, but it does illustrate her honesty. Another thing she said (I may be paraphrasing, it’s been a long time) is that there is only one “ize” and that is fertilize. That’s a little overboard, but I hate to see “weaponize”. Does it mean “use as a weapon”, then say so. There are a couple of worse ones: “incentivize’ and “medicalize”. It is to ralph.

It really hurts when I see some variation on “Baseball is where (could be when) there are nine players on a field”, particularly by someone who is supposed to be a writer, or even literate. Ask anyone “Is baseball a location or a time?” Even many politicians know the right answer.

A couple of words are being changed for no good reason. Past tense of cast has been cast, but now I’m seeing casted. Google backs the old man on that one. “mike” has been the short form of microphone for years, now “mic”. Because the object is pronounced mike-ro-phone, I object. The pro audio industry backs me up according to Google.

As a certified fogey, I object to the verbing of nouns, and the nouning of verbs. I may be given a task, but I will never be tasked with. No one may approach me with a “big ask”. I might be amenable to a request. I could go on, but I’m sure you’ve seen enough.

A rogue’s gallery of clichés (being introduced by a cliché) which have become intolerable:

“Walk it back” for lied or mistaken

“Optics” for appearance

“Receipts” for proof or evidence

“At the end of the day” I welcome Morpheus, I don’t come to a conclusion

When I was an actuary, one of my jobs was to write insurance policies. The job was mostly assembling boiler plate, but our government overlords were concerned about readability for the poorly educated. In order to pass that hurdle one had to get a high Flesch score. Despite the name, it wasn’t the least bit sexy. Short sentences got high scores, sentences with clauses got low scores. Something like “Then” “he” “left” would get a winning number. I don’t know if Flesch affected books, but I think it is the reason newspapers started to break up sentences into choppy parts to prove readability. In order to reach the lowest level we get writing that keeps stopping at the wrong place. Clauses are evil; starting a sentence with a conjunction is divine according to the rule makers. I still believe that a period is a red light, not a green light, and will write for an educated reader.

Some people, perhaps someone from Literally Stories may disagree, but I hold out for “issue” meaning something debatable, not a sore back or a grammar error Using “issue” for mistake, error, or problem looks like weak tea to me. Call it what it is: Broken arm, not an arm issue.

As the president of the Society To Preserve Affect And Effect, I’d like to destroy the ubiquity of “impact”. An asteroid hits the earth, sure that’s an impact. I get sick from the flu, that’s the effect of a virus. Someone steals my license plate that affects me. “Impactful” is the evil child of impact.

“Community” and “actually” are two words which are frequently unnecessary, and in the case of “community” misleading. I live in Lake Grove which is a community. Scientists, Polish people, the disabled, and so many more that are labeled community show no characteristics of “community”. “Scientist” is a profession, “Polish” is a national group, and the “disabled” share a status. There is no difference between “scientists” and “scientific community” that I know. Community has become a pointless writing twitch and actually has been redundant for a long time, but still used. Compare “He went to school” and “Actually he went to school”. They say the same thing.

Periodically I see the advice: “Develop a brand.” I believe brands are for cereals and live stock. A writer with a brand is predictable and not that creative. It may sell books, but it stifles creativity.

Brevity is good. I don’t know if Stephen King included that in his book on writing, but if he did he’s not following his advice. I like to write with the economy of Hemingway. No metaphors, similes, or description of the furniture unless relevant.

As an uneducated writer, I ignore these two writing rules. Eschew adverbs, and show, don’t tell. It may happen, but I doubt that a reader who comes to “she drank thirstily from the faucet” concludes that he is reading a poorly written story, even if a lit professor objects. “Show don’t tell” works in graphic novels, but many people still read the Bible with all of its “tell not show”, and telling is an efficient way to provide information.

I know I’m fighting a losing battle, but it allows me to keep my curmudgeon badge.

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