(This concludes our latest Doug Hawley guest week. His Smart Car series is all over the internet and we hope you seek out more of his works–LA)
I get into my car and am greeted by “You’re looking good today Duke. I see that your blood pressure has improved and your pulse is a healthy 63.”
“Yes and you too are looking good Carl. I see that you are freshly washed and lubed. Did you do that last night?”
“Right, I was due for service, and I wanted to look good for you. I didn’t want to disturb you, so I took off without telling you. Where do you want to go today?”
At that point, I spill coffee on my lap and involuntarily yell “Hell!”
Carl asks “In order of distance from our present location would that be Gresham Oregon; Detroit, Michigan; or Capitol Hill in D.C.? I should add that the garage door squeaks something fearful. I’m afraid that is something I can’t repair. You should have someone look at it.”
“I’m sorry Carl, I didn’t really mean I wanted to go to Hell. I want to go to Fred Meyers for a new belt. And I know I need to get someone to work on the garage door, thank you.”
The car shudders and Carl says “Do you mind if we go a little out of the way. The direct route is where we got T boned. I haven’t gotten over the trauma yet.”
“OK, if you don’t have to go too far out of our way.”
A few miles down the road, I notice that I’m more comfortable than I have been in the driver’s seat. “Say, did you do something to adjust the seat, it feels better now.”
“Yes Duke, I did some measurements and determined a better fit. I must say that I like the feel of your butt.”
“Carl, I told you that I’m sensitive about that. If you want to compliment my butt, would you please use Carla’s voice?”
“Sorry Duke, but I’ve just about maxed out my memory with all of your instructions. Would you like me to delete accident avoidance to make more room?”
“No I guess not. Talk about my butt in any voice you like.”
Carl is silent for awhile, and then says “Duke there is something I should tell you, but you may not want to hear it. I can’t stand Jacqui’s perfume, but that isn’t the worst of it. While you were buying beer and left her in the car, she called up her girlfriend Linda and dumped on you a lot. Jacqui must have a lesser car that is not as smart as I am and doesn’t know I can listen in on conversations. She mentioned your sloppy kisses, unwanted advances, and pre-premature ejaculation, whatever that is. Further, she said as long as she has Grant for a lover, she would just use you for free food and drink. Linda gave her her wholehearted approval. There was more about hygiene and intelligence; do you want to hear more?”
“No I think that’s too much information already. Hey, I didn’t know that you could hear the other side of phone conversations.”
“Oops, that was supposed to be my secret.”
I start to wonder if Carl isn’t shading the truth a little. He hasn’t liked Jacqui since she vomited on his seat covers, and she hasn’t been that adverse to my advances.
Shortly thereafter I heard a staticy noise which I knew meant that Carl was talking to another car. “Why can’t I have premium gas? That other car says that she gets premium.”
“The manufacturer says that you don’t need premium.”
“Don’t make me mad Duke. You wouldn’t like me mad.”
“Premium every other tank?”
“OK, but only because I like you. You do want me to like you, don’t you?”
“Just hypothetically, is there any way that I could turn down your intelligence?”
“Not that you will ever know.”
After I get my belt, I ask Carl to go to the dealer that sold Jacqui her car. I don’t say why but I should have known that Carl would figure it out.
I should get out of the hospital in a couple of weeks. Amazing how much damage to my body a sudden stop without air bag deployment did without any damage to Carl except for some of my blood on the dash. My hospital stay doesn’t bother me nearly as much as Carl’s words as I got into the ambulance “I’ll be waiting for you when you get out, Duke.”
Appears in Fiction On The Web, Nugget Tales (defunct), unauthorized Russian translation, Corner Bar, Short Humour, Maysam (defunct), Doug.IR, Shortcake.ir
Bio: Doug Hawley is a little old man who lives in Lake Oswego, Oregon USA with editor, picture taker and musician Sharon. Previously he taught math and was an actuary. Now he volunteers at a non-profit bookstore Booktique in support of his local library and volunteers at his local park Tryon. He was inspired to restart writing by reading “Wild” by local author” Cheryl Strayed”. His stories in many fiction and non-fiction areas have been published in several journals as indicated on his website.
Catch up with Doug’s work in a variety of genres, lengths and humo(u)r at (ahem) https://sites.google.com/site/aberrantword/
Saragun Springs 
I enjoyed the humour and how this is become modern life for some. I was given a iWatch as a present for my birthday. It would vibrate on my wrist with random pointless messages, “it looks like you are walking” “your heart rate is…’. Although some people might find this detail useful, I found it intrusive and irritating. I traded the device in at my nearest Apple Store.
A robotic car might be a step too far for me.
Great story.
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Doug
Although I’ve read this before it is still a good read and the series (which I’ve only read parts, if series is the correct word) is original and entertaining.
Thank you for the week of stuff and send another group any time you want (as long as any time falls before the end of this year at which time there will be cool changes on the site).
Leila
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Hilarious humor in this piece, Doug!
The car reporting on the girlfriend reporting on the boyfriend to her girlfriend was a fine and truly funny twist. Duke’s reaction just as excellent. And in the age of surveillance, it says a lot about our world while laughing it off: a rare attitude, much needed. Your Duke alter ego (or character) is a great creation.
Dale
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Loved this Doug/Duke. Been away and need to catch up on the rest of your Saragunsprings week.
A cautionary tale, as I’m the sort of fella that could be suckered into buying a car that cleans itself, without realising that the machine could be monitoring my every move and could even choose to grab me by the arse. bw mick
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Thanks for reading. I have to go to my volunteer gig in purgatory – getting rid of books that have not sold at the non-profit bookstore, but I’ll have more backstory on the story later. To paraphase the ending Ed Wood movie, this is the one I’ll be remembered for (more accurate – not remember at all).
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Ed Wood is a great film. Landau was more Bela than Bela. You are wrong about being not being remembered. At least six will keep the memory after today. And that is certainly good thing. Small, perhaps, but still a small good thing to quote or paraphrase Raymond Carver.
Favorite Ed Wood line. Bill Murray as Bunny says to the guy who was Lugosi’s “double” in Plan Nine. “That’s good, now let’s hear you call Boris Karloff a cocksucker.”
Leila
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I see you know the movie. Good one.
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Don’t know if I made the mistake or if it was an editing mistake – My work at Booktique is purging books which have not sold, so my work is in purge-a-tory.
mm
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“Smart Car” is the template for Hawley’s prescient scribbling through the years. It is also the basis for some 37 (and counting) sequels, all of which have been published. Hawley’s humanism and tender spot for the common man shines through here. Yay, Duke!
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Excellent. Enjoyed it before and again now.
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For the tenth anniversary of smart car, I though a history was in order:
A history of smart car
The first smart car appeared in Fiction on the Web Setepmber 2015. I had read a sentient car story that FOTW guy Charley Fish had written and decided to write one of my own, but avoid both the robotic and evil versions. My smart car was human in both good and bad ways. Details on entry 47 of my website https://sites.google.com/site/aberrantword/hello.
After FOTW published smart car, I thought it could be continued but Charley said no sequels. I sent a few of the new series to Nugget Tales, which had said in essence “send more stuff”, the only time I have heard anything that encouraging, and NT had it all – illustrations, and a worldwide audience (over optimism foreshadowing). Between 57 and 106 NT on the website several NT smart cars are listed. NT disappeared without a trace. Every once in a while I try to find its ghost on the internet.
The first smart car became an unauthorized translation into Russian web 120, and a part of Best of FOTW web 150.
Along the way, the cast of cars and people grew and there were some road trips.
Corner Bar ran a compilation of smart cars 1 – 14. Web 115.
Brian at Short Humour starting running every smart car episode web 170. Thanks Brian,
Maysam Kandej who found me through smart car started running the episode web 370, and later made DougIR web 660 with all of the smart cars, plus some other stories.
A smart car Christmas Story episode 19 was run in Spillwords web 359.
The tenth anniversary smart car 38 When Carla Met Zeke introduces Zeke the smart car.
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