The Oz Exception- Part Nineteen

The Oz Exception: Part Nineteen (R Rated for language–ooooooh)

While the team continued its progress to HeXy’s castle (since, as explained before, everything is boutta mile away in the Springs they meandered a bit to stretch the narrative), I sat down and retraced the story arc and discovered that it was as flat as Ramses the great’s ekg has been since well before the pyramids went up.

It began at what seemed to be a fairly interesting magic graveyard, followed by Fenwick inviting Gwen and John to the realm ostensibly for Oktoberfest, which actually wasn’t completely forgotten about, but it did not last long.

Then we ended up in Agoville for the pushsprings awards which were disrupted by the bratty Lambs. Naturally, Gwen and John were abducted by the Flying billigits in a naked grab for the spotlight by the Great HeXopatha. I made a graph and saw no arc, no theme, no foreshadowing, no thinly veiled scenes pilfered from the Bible or Shakespeare. Just a bunch of random stuff, barely connected, created by separate minds concerned (rightly) with their own stories. In fact, it is a lot like life if one overlooks talking livestock and winged Stoats.

Still, I teetered at the edge of the abyss of depression. But that’s when Daisy called and told me that they were at the castle and that I should stop feeling inferior for a moment and get on with it.

Anyway, the team (now reduced to four because Promo admitted to being HeXopatha’s spy and vanished laughing in a puff of green smoke) arrived at the castle. There was a moat and the drawbridge was up. Beezer called to Penrose, who was wo/manning the tower.

“Hey, ye mind dropping the plank so we may enter?”

“I would.”

“Now lissen up ye prick or prickcess, it’s been a long story with no end in sight. Unless you want friend Peety here to fly up and get tough with you.””

Peety zoomed up and issued the following peculiar “threat”: “‘I think you’re all fucked in the head. We’re ten hours from the fuckin’ fun park and you want to bail out! Well I’ll tell you something, this is no longer a vacation. It’s a quest. It’s a quest for fun! I’m gonna have fun, and you’re gonna have fun. We’re all gonna have so much fuckin’ fun we’ll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles! You’ll be whistling ‘Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah’ out of your assholes!’ Clark, Vacation.”

“Anyway,” Beezer added, “Maybe what he said means the same as they’ll be picking bits of you out of our stool if ye don’t drop the goddam plank.”

Penrose dropped the plank, without warning Beezer that he was standing where it would land.

Beezer climbed out from under. “I’ll Rolf Harris ye a new one for that, you little cunt or cuntess.”

“Can’t say coont-word to an undetermined gender, lardy butt,” said Barkevious, who was now holding a clipboard and wearing the Censor of the Day badge.

Beezer sighed. “I’ll Rolf Harris ye a new one for that ye beige shemale.”

Barkevious sighed. “Better off going with coont than that.”

The intrepid foursome entered the castle.

End Part Nineteen

7 thoughts on “The Oz Exception- Part Nineteen”

  1. Dale Williams W Barrigar's avatar Dale Williams W Barrigar says:

    L

    Many LOLs in this installment (not unusual)! As hilarious, episodic, erudite and scatological as Gargantua and Pantagruel! Bukowski loves this kind of wild, unleashed hilarity! Swing on and rock on!

    D

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  2. Much like that kid riding a flying dog, this appears to be a never ending story, perhaps interrupted by the expanding universe returning to a large boom. because I mentioned never ending story, here is the orginal smart car from 2015 from FOTW and Charlie Fish, now up to 2025. Hope somebody, maybe SKing pick it up when I drop it.

    Smart Car

    I get into my car and am greeted by “You’re looking good today Duke.  I see that your blood pressure has improved and your pulse is a healthy 63.”

    “Yes and you too are looking good Carl.  I see that you are freshly washed and lubed.  Did you do that last night?”

    “Right, I was due for service, and I wanted to look good for you.  I didn’t want to disturb you, so I took off without telling you.  Where do you want to go today?”

    At that point, I spill coffee on my lap and involuntarily yell “Hell!”

    Carl asks “In order of distance from our present location would that be Gresham Oregon; Detroit, Michigan; or Capitol Hill in D.C.?  I should add that the garage door squeaks something fearful.  I’m afraid that is something I can’t repair.  You should have someone look at it.”

    “I’m sorry Carl, I didn’t really mean I wanted to go to Hell.  I want to go to Fred Meyers for a new belt.  And I know I need to get someone to work on the garage door, thank you.”

    The car shudders and Carl says “Do you mind if we go a little out of the way.  The direct route is where we got T boned.  I haven’t gotten over the trauma yet.”

    “OK, if you don’t have to go too far out of our way.”

    A few miles down the road, I notice that I’m more comfortable than I have been in the driver’s seat.  “Say, did you do something to adjust the seat, it feels better now.”

    “Yes Duke, I did some measurements and determined a better fit.  I must say that I like the feel of your butt.”

    “Carl, I told you that I’m sensitive about that.  If you want to compliment my butt, would you please use Carla’s voice?”

    “Sorry Duke, but I’ve just about maxed out my memory with all of your instructions.  Would you like me to delete accident avoidance to make more room?”

    “No I guess not.  Talk about my butt in any voice you like.”

    Carl is silent for awhile, and then says “Duke there is something I should tell you, but you may not want to hear it.  I can’t stand Jacqui’s perfume, but that isn’t the worst of it.  While you were buying beer and left her in the car, she called up her girlfriend Linda and dumped on you a lot.  Jacqui must have a lesser car that is not as smart as I am and doesn’t know I can listen in on conversations.  She mentioned your sloppy kisses, unwanted advances, and pre-premature ejaculation, whatever that is.  Further, she said as long as she has Grant for a lover, she would just use you for free food and drink.  Linda gave her her wholehearted approval.  There was more about hygiene and intelligence; do you want to hear more?”

    “No I think that’s too much information already.  Hey, I didn’t know that you could hear the other side of phone conversations.”

    “Oops, that was supposed to be my secret.”

    I start to wonder if Carl isn’t shading the truth a little.  He hasn’t liked Jacqui since she vomited on his seat covers, and she hasn’t been that adverse to my advances.

    Shortly thereafter I heard a staticy noise which I knew meant that Carl was talking to another car.  “Why can’t I have premium gas?  That other car says that she gets premium.”

    “The manufacturer says that you don’t need premium.”

    “Don’t make me mad Duke.  You wouldn’t like me mad.”

    “Premium every other tank?”

    “OK, but only because I like you.  You do want me to like you, don’t you?”

    “Just hypothetically, is there any way that I could turn down your intelligence?”

    “Not that you will ever know.”

    After I get my belt, I ask Carl to go to the dealer that sold Jacqui her car.  I don’t say why but I should have known that Carl would figure it out. 

    I should get out of the hospital in a couple of weeks.  Amazing how much damage to my body a sudden stop without air bag deployment did without any damage to Carl except for some of my blood on the dash.  My hospital stay doesn’t bother me nearly as much as Carl’s words as I got into the ambulance “I’ll be waiting for you when you get out, Duke.”    

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